Teh Forum RPG [Reboot] XVII

CHAPTOUR ONE:
"all right men; we have gotten into the nintendo b-list game, smash buddies, and we will have to prove ourselves here and stand out among the b-list in order to graduate to smash bros proper" "pfft this should be easy; who have we got to compete against? captain rainbow? funky kong? PRINCESS DAISY?" "yes, all heavy-hitters on the fan request circuit" "luckily, we have an advantage over most of the b-list fire emblem characters because we don't use swords as our primary weapon" "speak for yourself dude; i'm the leader of this bunch and i use a sword" Bendik pulls out the ancestral blade of his ancestors. "that's a rake" "IT'S A FUCKING ANCESTRAL SWORD AND I WILL THANK YOU TO RESPECT THAT" "mmm i'm sure it's slain many leaves in the trenches of your backyard" "OH THAT IS IT" Bendik and Orange roll off, smacking the shit out of eachother in a cloud of dust. "that is just like them to abandon us just before we're meant to face off against A SUBSPACE FOETUS KNIGHT"
Sheriff Antony twirls his revolvers. "heh" Bran launches the harlequin foetus knight into the air, and Sheriff Antony shoots it with his revolvers. Taylor leaps into the air and impales the harlequin foetus knight. Taylor leaps off, and Tony runs at the harlequin foetus knight, sword dragging across the floor, and releases it into a deadly spiral of energy. The harlequin foetus knight is launched into the air, and Michelle leaps at it and kicks it at a wall. Amiee :3 makes pastry for Jakey and Eif as they play Strip Soul Blade. "so like" "yeah?" "what now" "well according to protocol, one of us has to get his/her powers now" "but i already have them" "play along you you not-very-cool guy" "TAKE THAT BACK" "okay yeah that was mean" "OKAY" Jakey runs around aimlessly and gets struck by a bolt of electricity. Electricity shoots from Jakey's left hand and obliterates the harlequin foetus knight. "wow nice job jakey" "yeah you're pretty cool" "you mean it?!" "no" "fuck"

CHAPTOUR TWO:
"okay that girl there is ashley and she is a hot contender on the fan request circuit" "never heard of her" "neither had i before my exhaustive research, but fans of this series aren't the most rational" "dude look she's casting some sort of spell" "why is it purple outside her window" "oh no" "don't tell me she's trying to shrink ridley down to size!!!" "we have no hope of getting in if she manages to solve all of ridley's size and proportion problems!!!" "we must act fast!!!" Bendik and Brucie charge after Ashley in a pincer movement, weapons drawn. Ashley is so concentrated on her spell that she fails to notice Bendik's ancestral blade of his ancestors slice her clean in half. "two birds with one stone nigga" Brucie and Bendik fist-bump. Unfortunately, the murder of Ashley sets off a trap, and Brucie and Bendik are descended upon by SUBSPACE FOETUS KNIGHTS
Sheriff Antony twirls his revolvers. "heh" Bran launches the harlequin foetus knight into the air, and Sheriff Antony shoots it with his revolvers. Taylor leaps into the air and impales the harlequin foetus knight. Taylor leaps off, and Tony runs at the harlequin foetus knight, sword dragging across the floor, and releases it into a deadly spiral of energy. The harlequin foetus knight is launched into the air, and Michelle leaps at it and kicks it at a wall. Amiee :3 makes pastry for Jakey and Eif as they play Strip Garou: Mark of the Wolves. "so like" "yeah?" "what now" "well according to protocol, one of us has to get his/her powers now" "but i already have them" "play along you you not-very-cool guy" "TAKE THAT BACK" "okay yeah that was mean" "OKAY" Bran runs around aimlessly and gets struck by a bolt of ice. Ice shoots from Bran's left hand and obliterates the harlequin foetus knight. "wow nice job bran" "yeah you're pretty cool" "you mean it?!" "no" "fuck"

CHAPTOUR THREE:
"HELLO SMASHING BUDDY I SEE YOU ALSO ARE AN ARCHER" "decidueye" "... excuse me?" "decidueye" "what the FUCK did you just fucking say about me YOU LITTLE BITCH i'll have you know i-" A shot fires out from nowhere, and an arrow pierces Dedidueye's chest. A second arrow follows, headed straight for Cale, but he dodges out of the way at the last second. "THAT WASN'T VERY NICE SMASHING BUDDY" Young Link lines up another arrow, but Orange sneaks up behind and snaps his neck. "..." "..." "HE WAS JUST A BOY" "he was trying to kill you!!!" "HE DIDN'T KNOW ANY BETTER; HE NEVER EVEN HAD PARENTS" "o well mistakes were made etc. etc." "I AM REPORTING YOU TO THE SUBSPACE FOETUS KNIGHTS"
Sheriff Antony twirls his revolvers. "heh" Bran launches the harlequin foetus knight into the air, and Sheriff Antony shoots it with his revolvers. Taylor leaps into the air and impales the harlequin foetus knight. Taylor leaps off, and Tony runs at the harlequin foetus knight, sword dragging across the floor, and releases it into a deadly spiral of energy. The harlequin foetus knight is launched into the air, and Michelle leaps at it and kicks it at a wall. Amiee :3 makes pastry for Jakey and Eif as they play Strip Mortal Kombat XL. "so like" "yeah?" "what now" "well according to protocol, one of us has to get his/her powers now" "but i already have them" "play along you you not-very-cool guy" "TAKE THAT BACK" "okay yeah that was mean" "OKAY" Taylor runs around aimlessly and gets struck by a bolt of wind. Wind shoots from Taylor's left hand and obliterates the harlequin foetus knight. "wow nice job taylor" "yeah you're pretty cool" "you mean it?!" "no" "fuck"

CHAPTOUR FOUR:
"here it is boys; the fire emblem tent" "damn it's so huge" Orange's eye twitches. "so what's the plan" "well dramatic irony - i'm using irony right right? - demands that we light the tent on fire" "sweet" Bendik, Brucie, and Orange light the Fire Emblem tent on fire, and wait as it burns to the ground. "we did it!!!" "oh no our tent!!!" Several dozen Fire Emblem characters walk up to the destroyed tent. "NONE OF THEM WERE IN THE TENT?!" "then who was screaming?" "OH NO SIGURD IS DEAD" "nooooooooooo he was truly the best of us but thankfully not the most popular so he wouldn't get in the way of my admittance to smash bros." "word up chrom" The cast of Fire Emblem head off to plan a funeral for the dearly departed Sigurd. "oh goddammit" "quick it's time for the back-up plan" Bendik runs over to a large cage and unleashes A SUBSPACE FOETUS KNIGHT
Sheriff Antony twirls his revolvers. "heh" Bran launches the harlequin foetus knight into the air, and Sheriff Antony shoots it with his revolvers. Taylor leaps into the air and impales the harlequin foetus knight. Taylor leaps off, and Tony runs at the harlequin foetus knight, sword dragging across the floor, and releases it into a deadly spiral of energy. The harlequin foetus knight is launched into the air, and Michelle leaps at it and kicks it at a wall. Amiee :3 makes pastry for Jakey and Eif as they play Strip Tekken 7: Fated Retribution. "so like" "yeah?" "what now" "well according to protocol, one of us has to get his/her powers now" "but i already have them" "play along you you not-very-cool guy" "TAKE THAT BACK" "okay yeah that was mean" "OKAY" Eif runs around aimlessly and gets struck by a bolt of fire. Fire shoots from Eif's left hand and obliterates the harlequin foetus knight. "wow nice job eif" "yeah you're pretty cool" "you mean it?!" "no" "fuck"

CHAPTOUR FIVE:
"boss we've got an actual smash bro here" "what who is it" "rosalina; she appears to be delivering a package to the mario tent" "okay soldier; your job is to figure out what is inside that package while i go chat up rosalina so that i may hopefully puncture her hymen with my penis" "are you sure she even still has one of those? she's like a 1,000 year old space milf" "becoming milf by adoption doesn't injure the hymen unless there's some kind of weird law in space i am unaware of" "okay second question: she's like ten feet tall; what makes you think you can even reach it" "..." "..." "this may require additional research" "well i'm going to go get that package in the meantime" Brucie sneaks up to the Mario tent and sees Princess Daisy standing at a table next to an opened box. "princess daisy has opened the package boss" "can you see what's inside it" "i can't make it out too well but it's really shiny and golden and kind of pointy" "oh no GET OUT OF THERE" "wha-" Suddenly, Brucie hears a familiar tune as Daisy's body is enveloped in a shining rainbow. "FUCK" Brucie runs with all his might away from star-powered Princess Daisy, running blindly into the SUBSPACE FOETUS TENT
Sheriff Antony twirls his revolvers. "heh" Bran launches the harlequin foetus knight into the air, and Sheriff Antony shoots it with his revolvers. Taylor leaps into the air and impales the harlequin foetus knight. Taylor leaps off, and Tony runs at the harlequin foetus knight, sword dragging across the floor, and releases it into a deadly spiral of energy. The harlequin foetus knight is launched into the air, and Michelle leaps at it and kicks it at a wall. Amiee :3 makes pastry for Jakey and Eif as they play Strip Virtua Fighter Kids. "so like" "yeah?" "what now" "well according to protocol, one of us has to get his/her powers now" "but i already have them" "play along you you not-very-cool guy" "TAKE THAT BACK" "okay yeah that was mean" "OKAY" Tony runs around aimlessly and gets struck by a bolt of earth. Earth shoots from Tony's left hand and obliterates the harlequin foetus knight. "wow nice job tony" "yeah you're pretty cool" "you mean it?!" "no" "fuck"

CHAPTOUR SIX:
"okay brucie i've found it" "found what" "no time to explain come on" Brucie follows Bendik deep into the forest, to a clearing with a single stump. "why did someone leave a puppet here" "NO YOU FOOL that is no mere puppet!!! that is GENO the most heavily-requested character at all ever!!!" "..." "..." "never heard of it" "THAT'S THE WORST PART" "so uh what's the plan" "his power is too great; we can't hope to-" Bendik is interrupted by the sound of Brucie rubbing two sticks together. "what are you doing" "he's made of wood right? well fire is super effective against wood-types" "HE'S NOT A Pokémon YOU DONUT" "really? he looks just like an overdesigned gen v and beyond guy" Bendik hucks away the sticks just as they catch fire, and the entire forest sets ablaze. "oops" "uh we'd better get out of here before the arrival of the SUBSPACE FOETUS FIREFIGHTERS"
Sheriff Antony twirls his revolvers. "heh" Bran launches the harlequin foetus knight into the air, and Sheriff Antony shoots it with his revolvers. Taylor leaps into the air and impales the harlequin foetus knight. Taylor leaps off, and Tony runs at the harlequin foetus knight, sword dragging across the floor, and releases it into a deadly spiral of energy. The harlequin foetus knight is launched into the air, and Michelle leaps at it and kicks it at a wall. Amiee :3 makes pastry for Jakey and Eif as they play Strip King of Fighters 2002. "so like" "yeah?" "what now" "well according to protocol, one of us has to get his/her powers now" "but i already have them" "play along you you not-very-cool guy" "TAKE THAT BACK" "okay yeah that was mean" "OKAY" Michelle runs around aimlessly and gets struck by a bolt of light. Light shoots from Michelle's right hand and obliterates the harlequin foetus knight. "wow nice job michelle" "yeah you're pretty cool" "you mean it?!" "no" "fuck"

CHAPTOUR SEVEN:
"the surprise hit of the wii u was splatoon right" "definitely; i thought it would flop insanely hard" "i still don't understand why the character designs are so ugly" "ANYWAY, people are now going to want those ugly squids in this game" "ah fuck" "the worst part is it'll probably happen" "so it's time for a flood attack" "but so many hard-working people worked hard to build that dam" "that's redundant" "oh carry on then" Bendik presses down on the plunger, blowing up the dam and dissolving all of the squids/kids while they sleep. "glad we got that one out of the way" "shame about the angry SUBSPACE FOETUS DAM WORKERS"
Sheriff Antony twirls his revolvers. "heh" Bran launches the harlequin foetus knight into the air, and Sheriff Antony shoots it with his revolvers. Taylor leaps into the air and impales the harlequin foetus knight. Taylor leaps off, and Tony runs at the harlequin foetus knight, sword dragging across the floor, and releases it into a deadly spiral of energy. The harlequin foetus knight is launched into the air, and Michelle leaps at it and kicks it at a wall. Amiee :3 makes pastry for Jakey and Eif as they play Strip Guilty Gear: Dust Strikers. "so like" "yeah?" "what now" "well according to protocol, one of us has to get his/her powers now" "but i already have them" "play along you you not-very-cool guy" "TAKE THAT BACK" "okay yeah that was mean" "OKAY" Amiee :3 runs around aimlessly and gets struck by a bolt of pastry. Pastry shoots from Amiee :3's right hand and obliterates the harlequin foetus knight. "wow nice job amiee :3" "yeah you're pretty cool" "you mean it?!" "no" "fuck"

CHAPTOUR EIGHT:
"MAIL CALL" The mailman runs up and hands Bendik a package. "hey thanks-wait are you that mailman from twilight princess?!" "yessir i am trying out for a spot on the smash bros roster and i thought i'd butter up the selectours by delivering everyone's mail" "how admirable" "thanks but i am SUPER-thirsty" "hey have you tried this sweet new flavour drink?!" Bendik holds up a bottle of bleach. "i only drink carbonated liquids" "oh sorry here you go" Bendik hands the mailman a can of carbonated bleach. "sweet" The mailman guzzles down his bleach, and dies near-instantly. Bendik drags his body off to a nearby cave, where it is eaten by rabid SUBSPACE FOETUS WOLVES
Sheriff Antony twirls his revolvers. "heh" Bran launches the harlequin foetus knight into the air, and Sheriff Antony shoots it with his revolvers. Taylor leaps into the air and impales the harlequin foetus knight. Taylor leaps off, and Tony runs at the harlequin foetus knight, sword dragging across the floor, and releases it into a deadly spiral of energy. The harlequin foetus knight is launched into the air, and Michelle leaps at it and kicks it at a wall. Amiee :3 makes pastry for Jakey and Eif as they play Strip Killer Instinct 2. "so like" "yeah?" "what now" "well according to protocol, one of us has to get his/her powers now" "but i already have them" "play along you you not-very-cool guy" "TAKE THAT BACK" "okay yeah that was mean" "OKAY" Sheriff Antony runs around aimlessly and gets struck by a bolt of imagination. Imagination shoots from Sheriff Antony's left hand and obliterates the harlequin foetus knight. "wow nice job sheriff antony" "yeah you're pretty cool" "you mean it?!" "no" "fuck"

CHAPTOUR NINE:
"what the FUCK is that thing" "it's hideous" "this is marshall, the memeiest of meme characters; some guy 'leaked' that he'd be in the last game and now everybody wants him despite the fact that he is terrifying and they've never even played rhythm heaven" "they've never played our game either though" "yes but we don't terrify small children with our visage; just with our words and deeds" "true" "so what's the play" "stuff him in a sack and throw him into the river" "yesssssssssssssss i knew these would come in handy" Brucie opens his package of giant lead-lined burlap sacks, and flops it over Marshall, sealing him inside. "quick dump him in the river while i distract the SUBSPACE FOETUS KNIGHT"
Sheriff Antony twirls his revolvers. "heh" Bran launches the harlequin foetus knight into the air, and Sheriff Antony shoots it with his revolvers. Taylor leaps into the air and impales the harlequin foetus knight. Taylor leaps off, and Tony runs at the harlequin foetus knight, sword dragging across the floor, and releases it into a deadly spiral of energy. The harlequin foetus knight is launched into the air, and Michelle leaps at it and kicks it at a wall. Amiee :3 makes pastry for Jakey and Eif as they play Strip BlazBlue: Calamity Trigger. "so like" "yeah?" "what now" "well according to protocol, one of us has to get his/her powers now" "but i already have them" "play along you you not-very-cool guy" "TAKE THAT BACK" "okay yeah that was mean" "OKAY" Kathy runs around aimlessly and gets struck by a bolt of knives. Knives shoots from Kathy's right hand and obliterates the harlequin foetus knight. "wow nice job kathy" "yeah you're pretty cool" "you mean it?!" "no" "fuck"

CHAPTOUR TEN:
"okay i couldn't sell you on the gematsu leaks, but how about these LEGENDARY WEAPONS" "well uh" "they don't look so legendary to me" "but they were used to slay the horrible monster!!!" "what horrible monster" "you know that one that was terrorising that nation" "what nation" "uh hyrule" "what was the beast's name" "uh aghanim" "oh yeah, that guy" The five pay for their legendary swords and exit the factory, and are immediately eaten by a giant deku baba. "aw we didn't even have time to make snide comments" "and i had the best one lined up!!!" "really what was it" "nah the moment's passed" "come on tell me" "no" "please" "okay, it was 'that-'" "no you have to do the voice" "the... voice?" "you know the bran voice" "you mean... my voice?" "no i mean the 'oh look i am bran rargh'" "oh right; ahem: 'that is the third-largest plant i have ever seen'" "..." "..." "better than last time at least" "anyway now how do we get out of here" "taylor, use your grass powers!!!" "i have wind powers" "goddammit" "why are you so useless taylor" "hey i have an idea" "tell me the idea" "let's BURN the plant" "..." "..." "EIF THIS IS NO TIME FOR YOUR SHITTY JOKES" "HEY MY JOKES ARE GREAT" "0/10" "FUCK" "guys let's ICE the plant" "great idea bran!!!" "but guys fire-" "eif stop being mad just because your power is shitty and not very effective against grass" Bran blasts the planet with ice, freeing the five. "it sure is cold here in the vacuum of space" "i've been colder" Suddenly, someone changes the bag. "oh no i did not see this coming" The five are emptied into a trash can, where they find A SUBSPACE FOETUS KNIGHT
Sheriff Antony twirls his revolvers. "heh" Bran launches the harlequin foetus knight into the air, and Sheriff Antony shoots it with his revolvers. Taylor leaps into the air and impales the harlequin foetus knight. Taylor leaps off, and Tony runs at the harlequin foetus knight, sword dragging across the floor, and releases it into a deadly spiral of energy. The harlequin foetus knight is launched into the air, and Michelle leaps at it and kicks it at a wall. Amiee :3 makes pastry for Jakey and Eif as they play Strip Dead or Alive Dimensions. "so like" "yeah?" "what now" "well according to protocol, one of us has to get his/her powers now" "but i already have them" "play along you you not-very-cool guy" "TAKE THAT BACK" "okay yeah that was mean" "OKAY" Mr. Sock runs around aimlessly and gets struck by a bolt of sandals. Sandals shoots from Mr. Sock's right hand and obliterates the harlequin foetus knight. "wow nice job mr sock" "yeah you're pretty cool" "you mean it?!" "no" "fuck"

CHAPTOUR ELEVEN:
"man i am such a broken character" "yeah dog keep it going and you will be banned from all tournaments" "how do i make it end?!" "sounds like you need a NERF" Sakurai beckons Bran over to his stand. "unfortunately our budget only allows us to nerf one character and i think greninja is asking for it more" "but-" "goodbye" Sakurai slams shut the metal gate on his stand, shutting Bran and Jakey out. "aw man" "you really needed that, as your next match is against the low-tier SUBSPACE FOETUS KNIGHT"
Sheriff Antony twirls his revolvers. "heh" Bran launches the harlequin foetus knight into the air, and Sheriff Antony shoots it with his revolvers. Taylor leaps into the air and impales the harlequin foetus knight. Taylor leaps off, and Tony runs at the harlequin foetus knight, sword dragging across the floor, and releases it into a deadly spiral of energy. The harlequin foetus knight is launched into the air, and Michelle leaps at it and kicks it at a wall. Amiee :3 makes pastry for Jakey and Eif as they play Strip Street Fighter III: 2nd Impact - Giant Attack. "So Like" "yeah?" "What Now" "well according to protocol, one of us has to get his/her powers now" "But I Already Have Them" "play along you you not-very-cool guy" "Take That Back" "okay yeah that was mean" "Okay" Robert Truckdriver runs around aimlessly and gets struck by a bolt of Damage Inc.. Damage Inc. shoots from Robert Truckdriver's right hand and obliterates the harlequin foetus knight. "wow nice job robert truckdriver" "yeah you're pretty cool" "You Mean It?!" "no" "fuck"

CHAPTOUR TWELVE:
"and from the greater rpgboot series; we have a groundbreaking four newcomers for some reason!!!" "oh no who got left out" "probably cale" "too many archers already yeah" "WHAT there are way more swordsmen than archers!!!" "there's also far more you can do with a sword than a bow" "bows are lame anyway" "TAKE THAT BACK; BOWS ARE GREAT" "the first rpgbooter is!!! TONY" "whatever" Tony leaves with his golden invitation. "oh right" "yeah that makes sense" "round out the original five i suppose" "so i guess orange is also being left behind" "no WHAT i am WAY more iconic than fucking Max Schoonen" "pfft" "the second rpgbooter is!!! MICHELLE" "just wait until i tell jakey about this while he takes me home" Michelle skips off the stage, golden invitation in hand. "..." "..." "well uh" "guess it's just you and me bendik" "pleasure to serve with you brucie" "the third rpgbooter is!!! GWENDOLYN" "i have so many people i'd like to thank" "hey that's great" Master Hand shoos Gwendolyn off the stage, golden invitation in-hand. "WHO THE FUCK IS THAT" "ah fuck i forgot about the fucking spin-off series" "it's a sad day when a spin-off character gets in before the stars of the second game of the fucking series" "speak for yourselves; they just saved the best for last i am a shoo-in" Bendik sits back, confident that he got the last spot. "and the fourth and final rpgbooter (before dlc) is!!! VALERIE" "w-wow i-i-i-i c-can't b-believe y-you ch-chose m-me" A single tear streams down Valerie's cheek as Bendik's mouth spews hot chocolate all over his friends. "WHAT THE FUCK" "SHE CAN'T EVEN FORM A PROPER SENTENCE" "I DEMAND A RECOUNT" "WHO THE FUCK WANTS TO PLAY AS FUCKING WAIFUBAIT OVER FOUNDATIONAL CHARACTERS" "just about everyone actually" "THIS IS FUCKING BULLSHIT FUCK YOU YOU FUCKING ASSCOCK FUCK SHIT ASS FUCK" Bendik is dragged away, kicking and screaming, by Crazy Hand. "also, as assist trophies, the series will receive grace, amber, candice, the great cheryl, piper, emelyn, sophia, resistance leadour, and claire who is a ghost, in addition to sheriff antony who is already present" "oh for fuck's sake" "can't even get in as an assist trophy" "this whole fucking setup is rigged i tell you"

CHAPTOUR THIRTEEN:
"mother i have returned" "who are you" "your son, tony" "i don't have a son" "but wait that means..." Tony fades from existence. "..." "..." "how did" "lo all" Stevman teleports in on his time machine, does a kneeslide, and plays a powerchord. "THAT'S OUR STEVMAN" Michelle walks up to the group and rests her arms on their shoulders. "take me home"
THE END