A.L. Noire (season 73)

Subject: A.L. Noire (season 73) Mon Apr 08, 2013 7:18 pm

EPYSODE ONE:
A frantic (tick tick tick tock) dame stepped into my office one night being all frantic (tick tick tick tock), as dames generally are. "so like then i says to him you know what i says i says well i ain't takin' it no mores yeah that's what i says to him and he pulls out a gun and i says oh big man with a big gun i says i says why don't you just shoot me now and he shoots out the window and i says oh wow" I roll my eyes at the broad, and she gets all indignant, as broads tend to do. "ANYWAY can you help me find this fag" "fine whatever" I then wave her out the door and begin piecing together the clues. A man, his broad, and his gun. Fucking great. At least Amiee :3 left me with a fucking name and address. I put on my hat, grabbed my gun, and headed out the door.

Subject: Re: A.L. Noire (season 73) Mon Apr 08, 2013 7:18 pm

EPYSODE TWO:
I knocked on Tommiee :3's door. "hello" "hello" I knew from the second I laid eyes on him that this guy was definitely a man. "are you tommiee :3" The man took the cigar from his mouth with two fingers. "who's askin'" "sheriff antony" "well tommiee :3 is in the kitchen let me get him" The man turned around and started running. I pulled out my gun and ran after Tommiee :3, where he led me straight into a nest of his friends. "get 'im boys" The men opened fire on me as I took cover behind an upturned poker table. "first you gamble your money and now your life" I smirked. "i guess it is a slippery slope" I peered over the table and placed six shots between six eyes, leaving only Tommiee :3 alive. I needed him to make my case. Tommiee :3, seeing that he was dealing with more than a mere beat cop, dove out the window into his getaway car. "GOODBYE FOREVER" The car sped off like a child whose turn it was to sit on Hanukkah Guy's lap. My only lead headed for god-knows-where, I did the only logical thing I could in this situation; I went outside and sulked in the rain.

Subject: Re: A.L. Noire (season 73) Mon Apr 08, 2013 7:18 pm

EPYSODE THREE:
"extra extra read all about it man runs away from incompetent sheriff antony" "fuck off kid" "no" "fuck" I'd dealt with this fucking kid before. His name was Jakey; he'd only show up when it was relevant to the plot. Or if he "thought it would be funny". "hey buy a paper or fuck off old man" "oh i'll buy a paper all right" I threw my twenty-five cents down on the table and Jakey gave me a paper. I immediately rolled up the paper and began hitting him with it. "ow quit it ow ow" "no" "ow seriously dude ow" Jakey began cowering under his newsstand, so I glanced at the front of the paper. The headline read 'Tommiee :3 escapes to 437 North Progress Street, New Adventure City 63241-0143, Alabama'. With no leads, I headed back to my office to paddleball my troubles away.

Subject: Re: A.L. Noire (season 73) Mon Apr 08, 2013 7:18 pm

EPYSODE FOUR:
About a month later, I received a call from Amiee :3. "how's my case coming bro" "um well enough" This broad always has a habit of calling me when I'm just a few paddles away from breaking the world paddleball record. "that's good because i could have sworn tommiee :3 was at my house right now pointing a gun at me" "i think you worry too much" "yeah that must be it" As I hung up the phone, I wondered how I could have found so few clues. I had no idea where Tommiee :3 was, and, to top it all off, I missed the world paddleball record by one. This case was more trouble than it seemed to be worth.

Subject: Re: A.L. Noire (season 73) Mon Apr 08, 2013 7:19 pm

EPYSODE FIVE:
"hey sheriff antony" "hey tommiee :3" I stopped dead in my tracks and pulled out my gun. I snuck up behind Tommiee :3 and threw him to the ground. "aw you're still not mad about the whole trying to kill you thing are you" "the what" "NOTHING" Tommiee :3 glances around and whistles badly. "extra extra read all about it sheriff antony actually arrests someone for once, an action without precident" "fuck off jakey" "no" "fuck"

Subject: Re: A.L. Noire (season 73) Mon Apr 08, 2013 7:19 pm

EPYSODE SIX:
"WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE COURTS RELEASED HIM" "SHERIFF ANTONY THIS IS A LIBRARY" Chief Bran straightened his papers. "well the evidence against this tommiee :3 guy was scant at best" "who needs evidence when you've got SURPRISE WITNESSES" "sheriff antony your surprise witnesses were all children you'd hung off the sides of a plane with ropes in order to get them to testify" "and they did didn't they!!!" "yes but one of them told the judge about your strategy and he disregarded it entirely" "fuck" "you know that protocol for getting random children to testify is to bribe them with ice cream" "i tried that but i ended up eating all of the ice cream" "YOUR INCOMPETENCE KNOWS NO BOUNDS SHERIFF ANTONY GET OUT OF MY OFFICE" Angrily, I left the chief's office, taking care to loudly slam the door on my way out.

Subject: Re: A.L. Noire (season 73) Mon Apr 08, 2013 7:19 pm

EPYSODE SEVEN:
I sat at the bar drowning my sorrows in vintage 1691 Sprite cans, but nothing was working. "well that's it sheriff antony you've cleaned me out" "what" "all i have left are 1692 sprite cans" "yuck" Dejected, I left the bartender his fee, and headed outside. Once again, it was raining. The weather council has officially classified this as a flood. Small cardboard sailboats carrying small children and animals washed down the street. I stopped to admire the enginuity of these kids, when, BAM, I was struck from behind.

Subject: Re: A.L. Noire (season 73) Mon Apr 08, 2013 7:19 pm

EPYSODE EIGHT:
I lost conciousness for I don't know how long. I awoke with a bag over my head and my hands tied to a chair. "oh i see you are regaining conciousness sheriff antony" "hello good sir or madam could you please take this bag off my head" "all requests must be in writing and submitted to the head secretary, kathy" "fuck" I heard footsteps. Very hard and sharp, like a man who has a disease which prevents him from not-trying way too hard. "so, sheriff antony, you have decided to drop in" "not exactly" "well i'm glad you're here" As the bag was lifted from my head, I saw my hat lying on a table across the room. "sheriff antony, please give up your search for tommiee :3 or we will regrettably have to end the life of your most beloved" "NO" A thug held up my hat and a lighter. "PLEASE DON'T I'LL DO ANYTHING" "okay please stop going after tommiee :3" "FINE JUST GIVE ME MY HAT" "first sign this form" The head thug untied my right hand, and I signed his document. "good, now you should know that any attempt to find or speak to tommiee :3 will be met with swift legal action" "fine whatever" "also we would get to keep the hat" "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA" The thug threw my hat back to me, and two more untied me fully. I quickly left the building, hat firmly on head.

Subject: Re: A.L. Noire (season 73) Mon Apr 08, 2013 7:19 pm

EPYSODE NINE:
As I entered the chief's office, I hesitated at the door. "come in sheriff antony we were just having a party" "what why" "that paper boy, jakey, he caught tommiee :3" "wat" "he found so much evidence and got children to testify against him by bribing them with cake" "..." "btw he is taking your job you're fired get out" As two burly police men grabbed me and threw my badge on the table, I felt only one thing: relieved. As I was thrown out of the police station, never to return, I smiled knowing that my hat is forever with me, and I it.
THE END

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