Star Adventure

EPYSODE ONE:
Captain's log; nebula date 5H-03. I have finally gotten out of captain training school, and have been given my own ship; the Alabama Space Shuttle Adventure. The A.S.S. Adventure's primary goal is to travel the galaxy making peace between Alabama and the various space races. Our first mission will take us to the planet Eynoulle, where we must make contact with the Eynouss species. I have been given a small crew of specialists and Ensigns in order to complete this task.
"captain eif we are here" "nice job head navigator orange" Head Navigator Orange nods as Captain Eif, Junior Vice President Jakey, Sheriff Antony, and Ensign Svart walk into the teleporter. "beam us down bro" "okay" Transportation Chief Taylor teleports the four to the alien world of Eynoulle. "hello" "hello" "what are you doing here rofl" "trying to make peace lol" "oh pmsl" "lmfao" "fuck off junior vice president jakey" "no" "fuck" "hey i like your shirt bro" "oh thanks" Ensign Svart admires his shirt. "there were a bunch of colours, but the red i feel worked best with my complexion" "hey if you want to make peace you have to pass our peace test or our god will be angry with us" "oh that sounds logical" "come!!!" The Eynouss tribesman leads the four to a small village. "the first test is for one of you to hold these electrical wires while we make repairs to our death robot" "i believe this task is best suited to the unique skillset of ensign svart" "but sir you're the captain so-" "THAT IS AN ORDER ENSIGN SVART" Ensign Svart grabs the two live wires. As the Eynouss fix their death robot, millions of volts of electricity course through Ensign Svart's body. "ow" "and done" The Eynouss turn around to find Ensign Svart dead on the ground. "oh this is good because the second test is for you to choose who to feast on" "oh" Captain Eif kicks the ground. "i wanted to know how junior vice president jakey tasted" "kind of bitter, actually" "oh" The three follow the Eynouss back to the village square to feat on Ensign Svart. "now we are at peace dudes" "far out" "groovy" "wicked" "beam us up transportation chief taylor"

EPYSODE TWO:
Captain's log; nebula date 4DV-3N7U23. After making peace with the people of Eynoulle and feasting on the late Ensign Svart, we received an urgent message from Chancellor Bran, telling us to go to the distant planet of Theyllours and attempt to rescue Max Schoonen. My only hope is that we get another great meal for our troubles.
"we're here bro" "thanks bro" Captain Eif, Junior Vice President Jakey, Sheriff Antony, and Ensign Chuck step onto the teleporter pads. "beam" "!" Transportation Chief Taylor teleports the four to the alien world of Theyllours. "hey" "oh hey" "are you Max Schoonen" "yes" "nice to meet you Max Schoonen" "i agree" Captain Eif and Max Schoonen nod back and forth for days. Ensign Chuck dies of dehydration. "well that was easy" "beam us up transportation chief taylor"

EPYSODE THREE:
Captain's log; nebula date L0-V3. After rescuing Max Schoonen, I have been tasked with returning him to his home world of Ghoti. I have been informed that the population of Ghoti is very hostile, but we should be okay as long as we don't mispronounce their planet's name.
"made it" "okay" Captain Eif, Junior Vice President Jakey, Sheriff Antony, and Ensign Limebeard head for the teleporter, and Transportation Chief Taylor teleports them and Max Schoonen to the alien world of Ghoti. "hello we are here to return Max Schoonen" "oh that rascal Max Schoonen always getting away" "arrrrrrrgh he be rather rascally matey" "hey guess what" "what" The crew is hit over the head and dragged to separate rooms. "how do you pronounce our world's name" "fish" The tribesman lets Captain Eif go. "how do you pronounce our world's name" "you don't" The tribesman lets Junior Vice President Jakey go. "how do you pronounce our world's name" "!" The tribesman lets Sheriff Antony go. "how do you pronounce our world's name" "arrrrrgh it be pronounced guh-hoe-tee matey" The tribesman lobs off Ensign Limebeard's head. "i regretfully inform you that your ensign is dead" "who" "in unrelated news let us feast on this corpse" The crew and the tribesmen greedily feast on Ensign Limebeard's corpse. "burp" "so full" "want seconds" "beam us up transportation chief taylor"

EPYSODE FOUR:
Captain's log; nebula date 06-L0C. Nebula Command has put me up for a medal. I do not know which one. However, I need to complete this mission successfully in order to receive it. We are tasked with heading to the distressed A.S.S. Motherfucker and rescuing any personnel we can.
"here" "!" Captain Eif, Junior Vice President Jakey, Sheriff Antony, and Ensign Robert Truckdriver 23 hop onto the teleporter pads, and Transportation Chief Taylor teleports them to the A.S.S. Motherfucker. "hello" An eerie silence fills the room. "anybody home" Nothing. "well we tried" Junior Vice President Jakey turns around and begins heading in the opposite direction, when Sheriff Antony stops him. "fuck" The crew cautiously heads through the ship, stepping over the bodies of the crew. "Hey Look It's Captain Kirk Hamburger" Captain Eif heads over to Captain Kirk Hamburger's side. "hello" "hello" "what's up" "just dying rofl" "lmfao" "lol" "Pmsl" "so yeah dyin'" Captain Kirk Hamburger dies in Captain Eif's arms. "nooooooooooooo" "why" "He Was A Great Man Until The End" "you said it, robert truckdriver" "hello i am still alive" "oh look an ensign" "uh-oh" "I Take Back What I Said About Captain Kirk Hamburger" "ensign you know that protocol states ensigns die first" "fuck off captain eif" "no" "fuck" Captain Eif pulls out his gun. "you are a cunt" Captain Eif shoots the ensign in the chest, and the bullet punctures the space windshield. Ensign Robert Truckdriver 23 is sucked through the hole and gets lodged in. "Well This Is Unfortunate" "meh" "beam us up transportation chief taylor"

EPYSODE FIVE:
Captain's log; nebula date FUCK-3V32Y7H1N6. Nebula Command has arranged a ceremony for my heroics in the face of traitors. Mutiny not being tolerated, I will be given the Platinum Star of Pretty Cool. I am honoured to receive such bling and will wear it with pride.
"!" "!" Captain Eif, Junior Vice President Jakey, Sheriff Antony, Doctor Amiee :3, and Ensign Rolf Harris get in the teleporter, and Transportation Chief Taylor teleports them to Nebula Command. "captain eif for your stellar performance in the field of not being a cunt, we award you with the platinum star of pretty cool" "gee" Chancellor Bran pins the Platinum Star of Pretty Cool onto Captain Eif's uniform. "wooh" "exuberance" "whee" "dammit jim i'm a doctor not a celebrator" "but my name's not-" "dammit jim i'm a doctor not a guy who remembers names" "fair enough" "party" "ensign rolf harris no" Ensign Rolf Harris takes off his shirt. "ensign rolf harris calm down" "no" Ensign Rolf Harris grabs the punch bowl and wears it as a hat, getting drenched in punch. "my eyes" Ensign Rolf Harris stumbles around, blinded by the punch, wrapped up like a douche; another runner in the night. "help" Ensign Rolf Harris stumbles out a window, falling to his death. "oh dear" "dammit jim i'm a doctor not a doctor" "beam us up transportation chief taylor"
THE END