The Hogwarts Experience, as told by the cast of A Thing

HUFFLEPUFF:
"grace you're a hufflepuff why are you here; this is the ravenclaw dorm" "my mission as a member of the canadian special service is to protect you; i can't do that when i'm on the other side of the castle and also besides that i can't get inside my own dorm" "huh? what do you mean" "in order to enter the hufflepuff dormitory, you need to play the hufflepuff song on the bongoes" "shouldn't you have an inborn ability to play the bongoes as a hufflepuff" "what? no, listen: just because that stupid hat arbitrarily decided to put me in hufflepuff based on my core values and beliefs doesn't mean i can play the fucking bongoes; canadian special agent training trained me on how to solve riddles and puzzles and even the odd enigma, but not to play the bongoes" "so you're just going to camp out in the ravenclaw dorm despite your bright yellow attire" "do not you worry; i was also trained to be a master of disguise; check it out" Grace puts on a blue tie instead of her yellow one, but her tie instantly turns yellow again. "i had not accounted for this" "i'm sure a member of your own dorm would gladly teach you how to play the bongoes" "i refuse" "huh?" "it's the principle of the thing; you assign people to live in a certain section of the castle, then bar them entry until they meet an arbitrary skill requirement? and if, god forbid, you don't know how to play a disgusting ooga booga tribal instrument, they spray you with vinegar" "sounds rough to be a puff" "you don't know the huff of it"

SLYTHERIN:
"hey akari how's slytherin working out for you" "all the upperclassmen kept calling me a mudblood and i don't know what that is, but just to be safe, i decided to get my revenge on all of them" "probably a safe bet; did you brutally murder them all" "they're like animals, so i slaughtered them like animals" "naturally" "then i mopped up a bunch of the blood and mixed it with actual mud and injected it back into their veins so when they're buried, they will be the mudbloods and not me" "smart" "hey do you want some death sticks? i found them among the deceased's personal effects" Grace swoops in and grabs a death stick. "grace what are you doing" "it is miduty to protect milord from that which may be dangerous, so i have taken it upon miself to see if these death sticks are dangerous" "the name sounds a bit dangerous, but maybe they're just called that so it will seem cool when in fact you're actually just puffing on a twizzler" "well i haven't been negatively affected yet, but any experiment needs a more grandiose sample size, so i should get the other huffles to puff on these death sticks" "good idea; they're clearly the most expendable"

GRYFFINDOR:
"ruth what's wrong" "my parents are going to kill me" "why" "before i left, they told me it doesn't matter what house i get into, they'll be proud of me as long as it's not gryffindor" "and you got into gryffindor" "life is an endless spiral of pain and disappointment" "you have no one to blame but yourself really" "what? it's that asshole hat's fault" "no, the hat gives you the house that corresponds to your own personal values; you should have tried not valuing bravery and chivalry" "i can't help that knights are so gallant and dashing" "well you're simply going to have to write your parents and tell them what happened" "they said they're going to throw a big party for christmas when i get to go home and they got so excited that they already bought decorations corresponding to ravenclaw, hufflepuff, AND slytherin" "that's just poor planning on their part" "i'm going to try and lie to them" "really" "yes, when it's christmastime, can i borrow your ravenclaw robe" "it won't help" "huh?" "here, put on my tie" Ruth puts on the blue tie instead of her red one, but it instantly turns red again. "well i guess i have no choice but to never go home again" "you're going to stay not just for christmas, but over the summer as well?" "yeah, i'll hide out inside the hufflepuff common room; they'll never look for me there" "can you even get in?" "my mother made sure i knew how to play the hufflepuff song by the time i was six; it's pretty simple, though, i can't imagine being some kind of invalid that can't play the bongoes"

RAVENCLAW:
"hey uh unimportant? are you okay? those are tears of joy right? and uncontrollable sobbing of elation?" "i tried so hard and now my entire seven-year run at this school is ruined forever" "did you not get the house you wanted?" "i stood (sat) my ground and told the hat that i wouldn't accept any answer other than ravenclaw, and i got my wish" "that's good" "well the entire reason i chose ravenclaw was so i could gaze at the stars through the ravenclaw telescope and see my daily horoscope; i'm a skilled horomancer after all" "of course" "and what did the stars say last night? immediately after my house was set in stone? the stars said 'should have picked slytherin'" "ouch" "then the stars called me a mudblood!!! my life is ruined" "come with me for a moment" Jakey grabs Unimportant by the hand and uses the time turner he'd received from the headmaster so he could avoid living with the consequences of his minor mistakes, and turns back time to the night before. "hey what are those slytherin demonesses doing" "they're magically altering the patterns of the stars" "THOSE FUCKERS!!!" Unimportant draws her wand and begins hurling flipendos and sectumsempras all over the place, causing the demonesses to scatter. "finally, i can gaze skyward and see my real horoscope for the night; thanks a bundle" Unimportant disenchants the night sky and gazes for her horoscope, which says plainly: "should have picked gryffindor". "my life is over"

TIMBERSBURY:
"what the hell" Jakey enters the dormitory of the fifth house, which he has never heard of before. "sophia? what are you doing inside this broom closet" "welcome traveller to the fifth house of hogwarts; TIMBERSBURY!!!" "never heard of it" "yeah it's new this year" "okay so ravenclaw is for the smart kids, gryffindor is for the brave kids, hufflepuff is for the hard-working kids, and slytherin is for the asshole kids; what is timbersnatch for" "timbersbury" "whatever" "timbersbury is for the rest of the kids; the ones who don't work hard, aren't brave or smart or ambitious" "wait, i thought hufflepuff was already the house where the unremarkable kids go" "we are too unremarkable even for hufflepuff" "ouch" "it's okay though; we've got this cool wolf mascot" "and that purple and white colour scheme is very stylish" "thanks; i knitted all the scarves myself" "so who are the movers and shakers of timbersbury; who's going to win you the house cup" "well we've got victorrhea, she's terminally ill" "ouch" "this is brooke, she loves jesus" "doesn't everybody?" "and this here is michelle, i believe you've met" "take me home"