I don't remember when I started this, but I know I'll never finish it. I've got some good jokes, but holy shit, there's no way I'm going to get through two Harry Potter books when I can barely finish an RPGboot made of 1% new material.
So we've got three chaptours of The Philosopher's/Sorcerer's Stone, and two stupid jokes about The Chamber of Secrets. AKA the two best ones. It also has a couple drawings, if you're into that. I'd say the second one is officially the best thing I've ever drawn, for the record.
"here's your mail uncle" Harry hands Uncle Vernon his mail and walks off with a letter in his hand. "HEY what is that in your hand" "it's for me" "PFFHAHAHAHA ONLY OLD PEOPLE GET LETTERS" Dudley rips the letter from Harry's hand and brings it to Uncle Vernon. "..." "..." "OH SHIT" Uncle Vernon burns the letter. "now let us never speak of this again" "but-" "NOW LET US NEVER SPEAK OF THIS AGAIN"
The next day, another letter comes. "hmm another letter i'd better hide it fr-" "YOINK" "FUCK" Dudley hands the second letter to Uncle Vernon, who burns it immediately.
The next next day, a large number of letters pour out of the chimney. "oh boy now is my chance to grab one of these many letters; there is surely no way that-" Uncle Vernon fires a flamethrower into the air, incinerating all of the letters, then lifts his goggles and gives Harry a thumbs-up. "OH GODDAMMIT"
"okay everyone i know it's been very stressful these last few days" "I'LL SAY" "poor dudley; his entire body is covered in papercuts" "it hurts to live" "SO WE'RE GOING ON A VACATION" "oh boy are we going to disneyworld?!" "nope" "seaworld?!" "nope" "puddingworld?!" "nope" "spiderworld?!" "maybe next year" "obamaworld?!" "EVEN BETTER"
The family pulls up to an abandonned shack on a deserted island. "ahhh peace and quiet" "i would have preferred spiderworld" "best of all?! no letters!!!" "FEE FI FO FUM I SMELL THE BLOOD OF AN ENGLISHMAN" A giant man stomps in. "HIDE ME" "hello harry here's your letter and a birthday cake i made myself!!!" "uh thanks" Harry opens his letter. "hogwarts school of witchcraft and wizardry?!" "yup" "hog... warts" "yeah" "they... couldn't have thought up a better name?" "it was named after jonathan c. hogwarts of cambridge" "well um i'm flattered but i really must be returning to my uh dirt" "YOU'RE A WIZARD HARRY" "uh thanks bye" "NO WAIT WAIT" The giant man gives Dudley a tail. "SEE SEE" "PARLOUR TRICKS AND NOTHING MORE" "but but-" "GOODBYE SIR" Harry shoves the man out and locks the door.
"psst hey hey" "giant man it's three o'clock in the morning" "it's noon" "same thing" "anyway i totally brought proof that you're a wizard" The giant man spills gold coins next to Harry. "these are chocolate" "not just any chocolate!!! WIZARD chocolate!!! the best in the land!!!" "uh-huh" "combined with the cake you'll see tha-" The giant man spots his cake in the trash. "OH THAT IS IT" The giant man busts through the wall and grabs Harry. "YOU ARE COMING TO HOGWARTS IF YOU LIKE IT OR NOT" "HELP HELP CALL THE POLICE" "i'd... rather not" "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK"
"well here we are, diagon alley!!!" "diagonally... ?" "yup now let's go to the BANK" "they have a barclays here?" "even better!!!" The giant man leads Harry to Gringott's. "hello how may i help you" "harry potter's bank vault please" "i have a vault?!" Harry, the small man, and the giant man hop onto a railcar and ride to Harry's vault. "JESUS FUCKING SHIT THERE'S LIKE A BILLION
DOLLARS POUNDS WORTH OF GOLD COINS HERE" Harry dives into the money. "OW" "you've been watching too many cartoons" "oh by the way hagrid your loan payment is due today" "uh uh" Hagrid sweats. "hey harry can i borrow some money"
"and HERE we have the wand shop" "uh can't i get a staff or something a bit more manly" "NONSENSE" Hagrid shoves Harry into the wand shop. "hello would you like a wand" "not really" "SPLENDID; here we've got one that's made of uh wood" The wand shop guy scratches his head. "it's uh pretty magical" "how magical" "pretty fucking magical i'd say" "fine wrap it up i'll take it" "wonderful choice would you like fries with that" "oh sure"
Harry and Ron run toward the centre pillar of the station, and crash into it violently. "OW" "MY LEG" "okay maybe it's the NEXT one" Harry and Ron pick up their things and crash into the next pillar. "OW" "THAT HURT EVEN MORE THAN LAST TIME" "maybe we need to go one before the first one we tried" Harry and Ron pick up their things and crash into the previous pillar. "OW" "LET'S STOP TRYING PILLARS NOW" "BUT WHAT IF THE ONE BEFORE THIS ONE IS THE ONE WE NEED HUH" "sigh" Harry and Ron pick up their things and crash into the previous pillar. "OW" "CAN WE STOP NOW" "NOT UNTIL WE HAVE TRIED EVERY PILLAR IN THE BUILDING" "OH DEAR GOD"
"hey harry guess my favourite Pokémon" "uh bulbasaur?" "nope" "i give up what is it" "ALAKAZAM" A beam of fire shoots out of Malfoy's wand. "oh yeah i like psychic-types too" Dumbledore steps in front of the bolt of fire. "dude malfoy dude alakazam? really? we ALL know that like the best psychic-type is totally gardevoir i mean those curves mmm TEN POINTS from slytherin"