Valentine's Day Special 2017

VALENTINE'S DAY SPECIAL AND SHIT:
01:
"hey emelyn i appreciate the service you perform for me all the time so i got you a valentine's day present!!!" Bran holds out a single rose. "oh it's beautif-... what happened to your hands?!" "well uh the thorns kind of had their way with my hands but it was worth it to show you how much i appreciate" "i-i i appreciate your appreciation but uh let's go bandage up those hands milord" "yes that sounds good"
02:
"greetings wife; i know that we've been married for a long time but that doesn't mean i forgot about your birthday!!!" "it's valentine's day" "uh i knew that i was just testing you!!!" "oh okay carry on then" "ANYWAY i got you the fanciest chocolates in the world; real canadian chocolate spun by the finest chocolatesmiths in the world!!!" Sheriff Antony hands his wife a large heart-shaped box of chocolates. "oh wow i would have settled for a toblerone" "t-TOBLERONE?! toblerones are not worthy for you to even step on!!!" "well i wouldn't want to step on them they're like chocolate caltrops" "I REST MY CASE"
03:
"hey yo gwendo happy valentine's day!!!" Jakey holds out a single rose. "you know a lot has changed in the last five hundred years i've spent as a vampire but i'm really glad that roses stayed as beautiful as during my youth" Gwendolyn grabs the flower, then notices how bloody Jakey's hands are and unconsciously licks her lips. "uh gwen-" "jakey stay still" Gwendolyn grabs Jakey's hands and begins to lick off the blood. "uh th-this is really weird" "you call it weird; i call it delicious"
04:
"rachel good news i found-uh BOUGHT these for you!!!" Brucie holds out a box of chocolates. "how sweet!!! i didn't think you'd remember valentine's day!!!" "valenti-uh i mean yeah i would NEVER forget such an important holiday for the expression of uh love and um togetherness" "i should have known better than to think you'd let me down!!! allow me to make it up to you for being such a poor judge of your character!!!" Rachel gives Brucie what would later be known as the biggest hug to ever grace the planet Earth.
05:
"claire i really appreciate you and your incorporeal-ness (as you could not destroy my precious windows even if you tried) so i got you a valentine's day present" Eif holds out a single rose. "oh it's so beau-wait how'd you get that rose without mutilating your hands" "i wore gloves" "that's kind of cheapening the gesture isn't it" "you can't spell glove without LOVE" "ooh good one"
06:
"kathy we have been dating for a while and even though valentine's day has its traditional gifts and whatever i knew you'd appreciate what i got for you more" Taylor holds out a huge wad of hundreds and begins to rub it across Kathy's cheek. "THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE"
07:
"happy valentine's day ressie i got you this and also hope you like it" Bendik holds out a large box of chocolates. "oh good timing!!! i was just working on my chocolate craving resistance training!!!" Resistance Leadour grabs the box of chocolates and sets it on the table, opened, ready to resist the delicious tastes and textures. "..." "..." "i'll uh leave you to that" "good idea; isolation will be an even greater test of my ability to resist!!!"
08:
"hey um the great cheryl it's valentine's day and i know you could magic up anything you wanted so i made this for you" Orange begins to hold up a plate he'd made for The Great Cheryl, but she stops him. "WAIT oliver are you saying i can't magic up a homemade gift?!" "w-well how could you if i-" "DO NOT DOUBT MY ABILITIES, OSWALD" The Great Cheryl waves her magic wand and conjures an exact replica of the plate Orange had made for her. "HOW DID-" "I AM THE MASTER OF THE ARCANE OMAR; I CAN DO ANYTHING I WISH" "o-okay i-i-i'm sorry that i failed to comprehend the extent of your abilities" "ah no harm done; i appreciate the thought"
09:
"valerie i am here (and this is definitely the only me; i did most certainly NOT train hard in order to master the art of mitosis in order to split into two jakeys in order to spend valentine's day with both you and an older woman) to celebrate valentine's day with my favourite valerie" "i-i wasn't aware y-you know a-any other valeries" "well i don't but you'd still hold that title even if i did; you are a superior form of valerie that eclipses all of your peers (or so i assume)" "o-oh w-well thanks" "do not mention it; you should instead thank me for THIS" Jakey holds out a single rose. "i-it's b-beautiful b-but your h-hands th-they-" "eh whatever they'll heal; what would not heal is a broken heart acquired as a result of me not treating you to the finest valentine's day presents the world has to offer!!!" "i-i s-suppose you're right" "now come; let us dine in on the finest valentine's day chinese takeout" "m-my favourite!!!"
10:
"sophie it's valentine's day why are you so sad" "i'm just remembering the orphanage when they made it a requirement that if you were to hand out valentines to people you'd have to give everyone one so they'd boobytrap mine; i still have the scar on my stomach" "w-well i uh i got you something that is NOT boobytrapped" Svart holds out a heart-shaped box of chocolates. "um n-no offense but i will pass; the last time i opened one of those there were bees inside of it and they attacked me" "will you accept it if i open it instead?" "i don't want to risk you being attacked by bees!!!"
11:
"amber happy valentine's day i got you a thing" Harvey holds out a box of chocolates. "didn't these used to be a lot bigger" "no, you used to be a lot smaller" "oh yeah" "i knew you'd say that though so look outside" Amber heads over to the window and sees a gigantic red box. "f-for real?!" "yes; chocolates the size of a man!!!" "you know i didn't miss much about being small but you've filled the only void i had" "no one should have to live with such a great loss as that"
12:
"hello grace happy valentine's day" The Jakey decoy hands Grace a large bottle of whiskey. "oh jakey you always know what to get me!!!" Grace and the decoy get wasted.
13:
"we've been together for a long time now and well i don't exactly know how to say what i'm about to say but i've got to say it and i've got to say it today; i love you with all my heart and i want the two of us to be together until the end of time!!! i know it isn't much but i got something for you" Agnew gets down on one knee and holds out a small black box, and opens it to reveal a beautiful diamond ring. "will you marry me, baseball"
THE END