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 E3 2021

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Jakeyadventure
TO SEE A MARCHING BAND
Jakeyadventure


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Number of posts : 13790
Age : 30
Registration date : 2007-12-29

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PostSubject: E3 2021   E3 2021 Icon_minitimeTue Jun 08, 2021 3:24 am

after skipping last year because of the kung flu, E3 is back and it's about fucking time
without E3, Microsoft and Sony weren't able to announce any games for their new systems thus they didn't release any

SCHEDULE:
all times eastern

SUNDAY JUNE 13:
Microsoft - 1 PM
Square-Enix - 3:15 PM

MONDAY JUNE 14:
Take-Two Interactive - some time
Capcom - 5:30 PM

TUESDAY JUNE 15:
Nintendo - 12 PM
Namco - some time

Sony and EA are once again no-shows
good riddance
Bethesda doesn't get their own show because they're folded into Microsoft now
good riddance


WANTS:

Microsoft:
Forza Horizon 5 location/release date
The Elder Scrolls VI (longshot)
ACTIVISION - Tony Hawk's Pro Skater 3+4 (or, more preferably, THPS3+4 as an expansion to THPS1+2 so I can finally get to level 100 thanks)
SEGA - Judgement 2 information

Square-Enix:
a new Kingdom Hearts game that's actually good (NO MORE COMMAND DECK GAMES)
Final Fantasy XVI gameplay trailer
an announcement of the Yuffie episode for PS4 for fuck's sake (never going to happen)
Final Fantasy VII Remake Part Two
Final Fantasy Warriors

Take-Two:
Grand Theft Auto VI (it's been eight fucking years and an entire console generation has passed you by)
L.A. Noire 2 (maybe N.Y. Noire)
Agent laugh out loud

Capcom:
Devil May Cry 6
Ace Attorney 7

Nintendo:
Super Mario Odyssey 2 just like every E3 since 2018
Kid Icarus something or other (even Kid Icarus Warriors would work)
Fire Emblem 17 (new game or remake; I'm easy)
Super Mario Warriors
Pokémon information (Legends or D/Pmake; I'm easy)
Marvel Ultimate Alliance 4
the last two Smash Ultimate characters so everyone can shut up about the fighters pass

Namco:
Tekken X Street Fighter laugh out loud





i will not be twittering or gabbing about E3 this year
i'll just make asinine observations that make no sense out of context in a word document, then post in this thread after each conference
efficient and soulless, just how i like it
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Jakeyadventure
TO SEE A MARCHING BAND
Jakeyadventure


Male
Number of posts : 13790
Age : 30
Registration date : 2007-12-29

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PostSubject: Re: E3 2021   E3 2021 Icon_minitimeSun Jun 13, 2021 3:27 pm

commence foruming

MICROSOFT:
microsoft has to go in HARD in order to sell their new xbox with the dumb name
it sold out the initial batch, but that always happens
what's important is keeping it selling
and also making more of them so regular people can buy them
i'm not really convinced that the xbox sex or the ps5 even exist
i've never seen one in real life
TO THAT END
microsoft has a very important e3 on its hands
the 360 was on top of the world, but the xbone just scraped by
sony is leaving themselves vulnerable so it's time to strike
i mean for fuck's sake, microsoft bought about a thousand different game studios and done absolutely nothing with them


i for one welcome our new chinese overlords
why do people even bother using the youtube chat feature
your message isn't even there for a whole second before it's swallowed into nothing


STARTING OFF WITH TODD
LIE TO ME TODD
oh it's just starfield
who cares
space is the worst setting for anything aside from maybe underwater
well they revealed an exclusive
wait where did todd go
get this negro lady out of here
WE WANT TODD

"it's been such a tough year"
AND I AM SICK OF HEARING ABOUT IT

get out of here stalker
i do not give a single shit
i do not speak vodka
0-for-2

zombie game 50000000000000000000000
0-for-3
QUIP QUIP QUIP
I QUIP THEREFORE I AM
can these game characters please go five seconds without quipping thanks

steely dan
i'm interested
do it again, their best song
no clue what contraband is but the music choice made me interested
the trailer told us nothing about the game and it's the best of the show so far

sea of thieves yawn
oh
it's jack sparrow
shame johnny depp isn't allowed to exist any longer

yakuza baby
never heard ichiban's dub voice before
it's really strange after playing the entire game in japanese
i mean it's one of the best games shown so far
but i've already played it

battlefield again
i haven't enjoyed a battlefield trailer since HARDLINE and THE LOOT
i've never played one of these games and probably never will
it's like call of duty except for fags right
okay driving the ATV into the helicopter and blowing it up was almost cool
wasn't enough fanfare on the explosion though

oh twelve minutes
i remember that from e3 like two years ago
still not out i see

psychonauts
can't wait to see how tim ruined it
basically i don't trust tim so i'm going to wait to see how liberal he made it before playing
the first game was so good that i'm expecting the second to be bad
the only other double fine game i played was brutal legend which was terrible

fallout 1+2 on gamepass
can't wait for the wave of people bitching about it not being an FPS
my favourite skyrim memory was when i stopped playing it and played oblivion instead
does fallout 76 count toward the 30 games the black chick told us about
i dearly hope not
was that gideon emery

oh look it's one of those ragdoll physics youtube bait games
can't wait to watch my favourite youtube celebrities play this one
it seriously looks just like gang beasts or human fall flat except you play as animals

hey look it's PRETENTIOUS 2D PLATFORMER
it's been a while
i remember limbo like it was yesterday
i hate garbage like this
somerville? more like utter trash

halo
halo
it's halo
space shooter
shooting and haloing
look at that chief
he is the greatest chief
the master of chiefs if you will
i'd rather play call of duty
i never did play modern warfare; i probably should at some point
wait
IN THE MIDDLE OF THE FIGHT?!
I THOUGHT HE FINISHED THE FIGHT YEARS AGO
WERE YOU LYING TO ME THEN OR ARE YOU LYING TO ME NOW

diablo 2 except the characters are now ugly
the same game you played twenty years ago, now with all the charm sucked out of it

more like a GAYgue tale am i right

this spaniard man's facial animations are not right
it's unsettling
yes
this is a far cry game
just like all the others
can't be worse than 5
i can't believe they just showed a naked cock like that

slime rancher 2 looks terrible
moving on

realistic snowboarding game? YAWN
BIG YAWN
WHERE'S SSX
it's got to be better than that trash heap steep though

atomic heart almost looked good until i saw that purple-haired idiot

2D side-scroller? more like bathroom break
grounded? more like time to get a new drink
amogus? more like I AM FUCKING SICK OF THIS GAME
RED SUS XDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD
my mother got a double bottle coozy as a free gift from something and it looks just like an amogus and i hate it

anime gam-
a negro?! in my anime game?!
i'm not talking standard brown girl
i'm talking straight-up afro gorilla nigger
eiyuden chronicle needed to show more gameplay
is it turn-based or real-time or something dumb

the ascent's trailer was mercifully short

"if history was in your hands, what would you build?"
gas chambers

i hate this stupid self-aware trailer
i have already decided that i hate this game
well now i know never to play the outer worlds 1
not that i was going to
i almost did once
dodged that bullet

planes
planes 2: top gun edition
should have had danger zone blasting

is this forza horizon 5?
called it
avocados from mexico
thanks for putting it on xbone as well
now i don't have to buy your new conso-
WHO IS THAT WHOOPI GOLDBERG IMPERSONATOR
your character is no longer a silent protagonist which is probably going to be terrible
"a recreation of mexico that is honest, authentic"
where's the cartels then?
the volcano almost made me think it wasn't forza to be honest
YESSS
HORIZON BOWLING

finale game
i hate this quirky writing and the cuts
just make a normal fucking trailer
trailer are supposed to make me want to buy your game not hate it instantly


MICROSOFT E3 FINAL GRADE:
C+
saved by forza horizon 5
contraband might be good but we don't even really know what kind of game it is
psychonauts looks really good but i have zero faith
there was just a lot of dumb bullshit
the minifridge was kind of funny though
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Jakeyadventure
TO SEE A MARCHING BAND
Jakeyadventure


Male
Number of posts : 13790
Age : 30
Registration date : 2007-12-29

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PostSubject: Re: E3 2021   E3 2021 Icon_minitimeSun Jun 13, 2021 5:01 pm

SQUARE:
(and enix too i guess)

no real hopes or expectations, as in real life
let's roll

why does the square presentation UI look like persona
that's atlus and sega not square

guardians of the galaxy
hopefully it's better than square's avengers game
mantis is cute
CUTE
i'll have to see more before i say anything else honestly
"your choices matter!!!"
we will see
the gameplay actually does look fun but they're clearly showing it at its best so again
we will see
i want it to be good
it probably won't be
rocket's voice doesn't do it for me
i know i bitched about space earlier so i'm a hypocrite
whatever
the extended gameplay looks significantly less fun
but the trailer here with the guitar solo looks fun again
i don't know what to think
it's probably going to be terrible

bro let's rerelease FF1-6 again for the thousandth time
it's a good thing they've reminded us of their avengers game so people don't get too excited for gotg
oh good mobile games everyone loves these
oh good mobile hitman
LIMITED COLABORATION: FINAL FANTASY X FINAL FANTASY
that one guy was just dollar store auron
bro is this a final fantasy shooter
why
new platinum game?
i miss scalebound
i'm a simple man
i hear opera, i don't buy your game
fuck off
dyke game dyke game

final fantasy team ninja game i am interested
stranger of paradise coming 2022 looking forward to it
shame the demo's only on a system that doesn't exist
same with FF7 yuffie edition

FF16 looks like it could be good


SQUARE E3 FINAL GRADE:
B-
GOTG took up most of the runtime and i'm not sure it'll be good but i'll give it the benefit of the doubt
stranger of paradise looks cool as hell
and both are going to be on systems i actually own
the mid-section of the presentation sucked but whatever


EDIT: everyone's saying stranger of paradise is a dark souls-ass piece of shit instead of a good game like we deserve
if this is true:
SQUARE E3 ACTUAL FINAL GRADE:
C-
fuck off
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Jakeyadventure
TO SEE A MARCHING BAND
Jakeyadventure


Male
Number of posts : 13790
Age : 30
Registration date : 2007-12-29

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PostSubject: Re: E3 2021   E3 2021 Icon_minitimeMon Jun 14, 2021 1:40 pm

TAKE-TWO:
it's been eight years since GTA V
it's fucking time for GTA VI

allow me to describe to you my ideal GTA VI so we can be disappointed together or you can call me an idiot
i do not give a shit about online gameplay
i want a single-player game
the setting doesn't concern me too much as long as there are
NO SMARTPHONES
i definitely do not want a game set in 2021 where everyone hates eachother
everything else is fine
do 80s vice city again if you'd like
go somewhere new like 70s chicago or something why not
just not any year after 2007 for the love of god



wait nevermind
this isn't about videogames
it's about DIVERSITY
they've even said no videogames will be shown
glad you told me beforehand so i can skip it and be less mad than if i'd tuned in
onto the next one
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Jakeyadventure
TO SEE A MARCHING BAND
Jakeyadventure


Male
Number of posts : 13790
Age : 30
Registration date : 2007-12-29

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PostSubject: Re: E3 2021   E3 2021 Icon_minitimeMon Jun 14, 2021 6:57 pm

CAPCOM:
i'll be honest
i only like two capcom series
devil may cry and ace attorney
the great ace attorney finally comes out next month
so i guess i'm hoping for dmc6
to be fair, it's the 20th anniversary of both series
but if an actual ace attorney 7 is in development, it will likely be announced at the tokyo game show instead
it makes no sense to announce phoenix's new game when a different one comes out next month
(also i'd just like to say i am pleased as PUNCH that the great ace attorney is getting a physical release on switch for only $40 no less)

thinking a little further, i also like dead rising and marvel vs capcom
i never played dr4 or mvc infinite though so even though i heard they're bad i'll just leave it at that
i don't want to see a resident evil 4 remake
that game is already perfect as-is
well not PERFECT but i doubt they'd fix the problems while keeping the all-important campiness
resident evil 4 without campy dialogue would be an abomination against god


that brushed metal capcom logo is the best-looking thing at e3 so far
let's kick things off with a game that's already out
you can literally go to the store and buy this game RIGHT NOW
in fact go do that
we want your money
buy VII.I.AGE today
re:verse could be cool but no chainsaw motherfucker no buy

never hunted a single monster before in my life and i don't plan to start now
god this just goes on forever doesn't it
oh dear god monster hunter is crossing over with MONSTER HUNTER?!
stop the FUCKING PRESSES
leather pants and sunglasses?! this is all just going so fast

here we go
i need it
i still say they should have called him griffin wright
the jury examination returns from layton vs phoenix but appears to be improved
this looks great legitimately
just as in real life, black means guilty, white means not guilty
i need it

esports
the worst kind of sports


CAPCOM E3 FINAL GRADE:
A+
still riding high from april's announcement of the great ace attorney coming west
it's all i wanted
it's all i care about
i doubt there's going to be any game announced tomorrow that i'm more excited to play
okay fine i'll give it a real grade

CAPCOM E3 FINAL GRADE:
D
they didn't show anything new
we already knew about the great ace attorney
resident evil VII.I.AGE is already out
monster hunter stories 2 looks like shit and the trailer went on forever
don't care about esports
it was a bad presentation
it can't get an F because take-two happened
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Jakeyadventure
TO SEE A MARCHING BAND
Jakeyadventure


Male
Number of posts : 13790
Age : 30
Registration date : 2007-12-29

E3 2021 Empty
PostSubject: Re: E3 2021   E3 2021 Icon_minitimeTue Jun 15, 2021 1:43 pm

NINTENDO:
this is it
the big boy
nintendo is going to save e3 this year
just like i say they will every year
sometimes i'm even right

so what do i want to see from nintendo, you ask?
super mario odyssey 2 mostly
i need it
if they announce odyssey 2 it's an instant A+
no out-of-the-blue game trailer has ever made me as hyped as odyssey's e3 2017 trailer, and the game was phenomenal
it's what i've been asking for for the last three years without fail, every nintendo direct

also would be nice:
mario kart 9
kid icarus something or other (uprising port, uprising sequel, warriors spin-off, i don't care what)
fire emblem 17 (new game or remake i'm not picky)
some nintendo warriors game (mario would work well)
more information on Pokémon d/p remakes or legends
uh
a kirby game i guess


smush bros again?
rip ganondorf
okay
didn't expect kazuya
i figured it would be jin if we got a tekken character
the volcano is appeased kazuya holy shit
devil form kazuya nice
heihachi as a stage prop
gotta love kirby

"your choices matter"
first red flag
lesbians
second red flag
fuck off we saw life is strange at square's presentation
same with guardians of the galaxy

super smash bros: worms edition
"captivating turn-based combat"
which is it
wouldn't the monkeys suffocate in those balls?

best of mario party (still only five boards)
how can it be best of the N64 games if space land is here? it's the worst mp2 board
also no costumes on the mp2 boards is trash

wow
after like ten years of people throwing the name around, here's metroid dread
can't wait to not play it

i skipped ubisoft intentionally to AVOID just dance
the dragon ball z game doesn't look bad but i have never watched/read it before
nintendo has made me want to buy a golf game
oh god a course that's just new donk city?

OH FUCK OFF
capcom bored me to death with monster hunter stories yesterday

it's about time we got a new wario game
mona is cute as hell
always like when charles martinet is allowed to just speak full sentences

who designed the main character of SMT V
seriously
people make fun of JRPGs for having boys that look like girls but SMT V takes it to a ridiculous level
fairyjack frost?! the gays have gone too far

never played danganronpa
probably should
it's the biggest one of these games i haven't played
it's probably a good thing i waited

tony hawk baby
i was still hoping for a thps3 expansion announcement
wow a new advance wars
never thought i'd see the day
or a remake whatever
never played it

good to see hyrule warriors getting ridiculous new weapons
the guardian being the new playable character is disappointing
i wanted my boy robbie

ho boy
here we go
that only raised more questions
well verticality was botw's strongest suit
we'll see how it goes
not buying botw2 until i see reviews


NINTENDO E3 FINAL GRADE:
C+
i mean
it was fine
some good stuff
nothing earth-shattering
the worst part was honestly the lack of the final smash bros character
now i have to listen to roster predictions for even longer

nothing amazing for me really
nothing where i'm jumping out of my seat saying "I NEED IT"

edit: watched a bit of treehouse
warioware looks sick
i'll spot you up to B-
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