JAKEY is sitting at a table eating a bowl of buttered spaghetti and drinking a glass of arsenic. JAKEY grabs the salt shaker and begins unleashing a downpour of salt on the helpless buttered spaghetti.
????: HELP AND SHIT
JAKEY runs outside, salt shaker still in hand.
JAKEY: WHAT'S UP BRO
A horde of vicious SNAILS inches towards the town.
JAKEY: SHIT SHIT FUCK SHIT
SNAIL ONE: YOUR MOTHER IS A VERY NICE LADY
SNAIL TWO: I HEAR SHE IS AN EXCELLENT COOK
JAKEY: THAT TEARS IT
JAKEY charges at the horde of SNAILS, salt shaker at the ready.
EIF: DON'T DO IT BRO
JAKEY pops the top off of the salt shaker and chucks it at the SNAIL HORDE.
SNAIL ONE: OW FUCK OW BURNING OW
SNAIL TWO: OUCH WHY WOULD YOU DO THIS
SNAIL THREE: HELP ME
The SNAILS melt to the ground, leaving behind only their shells. EIF runs up to JAKEY.
EIF: DUDE i totally thought those snails were gonna kill you!!!
JAKEY: pfft it's gonna take a lot more than some overly polite snails to take me down
JAKEY stretches as he wakes up at the crack of noon.
JAKEY: wow why did i get up so early
????: OH GOD HELP OH GOD
JAKEY runs outside and sees an angry mob of vicious SNAILS.
JAKEY: OH SHIT
SNAIL FOUR: we are not leaving this spot until someone constructs a memorial for our departed friends!!!
JAKEY: MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME NEVER TO GIVE IN TO PEER PRESSURE
JAKEY grabs his garden hose and hooks it up to the salt silo.
JAKEY: generic action phrase!!!
JAKEY sprays salt all over the angry mob of SNAILS.
SNAIL FOUR: JESUS CHRIST THE PAIN OW
SNAIL FIVE: MILD DISCOMFORT NOOOOOOOOOOOO
JAKEY stops spraying as soon as all the SNAILS lie dead. EIF and BRAN exit their respective houses.
EIF: jesus fucking christ stop attention-seeking
BRAN: yeah i'm like the king and stuff and i haven't gotten any screen time
JAKEY: um this is a prequel
JAKEY: you're not king yet
BRAN: fuck my life
A horde of SNAILS parks outside JAKEY's house.
JAKEY: fuck off please
SNAIL SIX: we have called the police!!!
STING: how do you explain this
JAKEY hands STING a document explaining castle law.
JAKEY: since they're on my property i can use excessive force
STING: looks good to me
SNAIL SIX: fuck
JAKEY takes out his salt revolver.
JAKEY: time for you to escar-GO
STING: that was awful
JAKEY: like you could do better
JAKEY sprays the SNAILS full of salt, killing them all.
JAKEY: yo sting i had this great idea for a song it's a story about the thousand rainy days since we first met
STING: go on
JAKEY: like, there's a big enough umbrella but it's always me that ends up getting wet and shit
STING: sounds good
JAKEY heads outside to find the SNAIL ARMY outside his house.
JAKEY: so... this is it, huh
SNAIL COMMANDER: sure
JAKEY rips out his salt shaker revolvers as the SNAIL ARMY rushes towards him. JAKEY fires all of his salt at the SNAIL ARMY, killing half. The other half force JAKEY to the ground and slither over him.
JAKEY: i regret nothing!!!
JAKEY dies in a pool of the SNAILS' mucous.
BRAN: hey wanna go play mario kart
EIF: okay but only if i get to be luigi
BRAN: oh come on you're always luigi
EIF: i'm not playing if i can't be luigi