Fable III

So, I've been playing Fable III for the last week. As you have probably assumed, it's orgasmic. But, hey! I need to bore you with the details!

The game starts with the most important choice, like, ever. ASL
20/Male/Bowerstone Castle LOL
Oh, the choices don't stop there. After Jasper wakes you and Sir Dog up, you have to choose WHICH OUTFIT TO WEAR. AW FUCK. I chose the blue princely badass suit of badass. After that, it's time to meet, um... whatever her name is. Your next important decision is whether to give her a kiss or a MANLY. ROCK. HARD. HUG. Then you take her by the hand and give a speech to the cooking staff, either mean or nice. Even though the cook killed Sir Chicken (R.I.P.), I decided to be nice for the sake of everyone else.
Afterward, Sir Walter takes you for training, and you break his sword. Oh, there was also this petition for higher wages or something. I signed it because why not. Then things get SERIOUS Your brother, Lucie-... er... um... fuck. What was his name again? LOGAN. Yeah, Logan decides the strikers aren't that cool, so he wants to execute them, but whatsherface steps in, and Logan's all like "dude choose who to kill workers or whatsherface", and whatsherface was all like "choose me dude", so I did.
Then Sir Walter takes you and Jasper to the Batcave, where you get your Guild Seal. Then a portal opens and Theresa's like "hey", and I'm like "FUCK". She basically hands over the fireball spell, blah blah, bats, blah blah, then there's a cullis gate to THE SANCTUARY. From there, you and Sir Walter use the map to go to the mountains, while Jasper stays behind because why not.
Once there, Sir Walter gives you 500g, and basically forces you to buy lame clothes. Then you meet Sabine, who tells you to do menial labour. Whee. So you and Sir Walter go to Brightwall, where you go to the MOTHERFUCKING LIBRARY FUCK YEAH, and show to Samuel, who shows you an ancient tomb thing, where you get SWORD, HAMMER, PISTOL and RIFLE. Also, the music box from Fable II. Afterward, you go to defeat some mercenaries, and have to wear more lame clothes, and you can either kill or spare their leader. I spared him, because afterward Hero punches him in the face
Then Samuel and Sir Walter tell you to do SIDE QUESTS In one, you have to act out scenes from a play, and you get to dress as a woman and declare your love then in one you're a jester and you can declare your love for the king and it's so amazing and Anyway, then you have to get a gargoyle like those in Fable II, and it brings some gnomes to life. As a woman, they tell you to gb2kitchen Also, you have to get into a chicken costume and round up some chickens. Afterward, they take supplies to Sabine, and you give him the music box, an artifact of untold power, which is never mentioned again. Did Eif and I write this?
Then you and Sir Walter get into the monorail, and it's really cool, you kill hobbes and everything, which unlocks SPELL WEAVING. The best combination is whirlwind + blades, not shock + ice storm like I'd assumed. Then you're in Mourningwood, where you meet one of the best characters ever. BEN. MOTHER. FUCKING. FINN. Shame he doesn't do anything yet. Anyway, you have to defend this fort from hollow men, using the mortar, with Private Jammy's help. Then the ground combat begins, and they kill Private Jammy! R.I.P.
Afterward, Swift pledges allegiance to Hero, and you go to Bowerstone, where you meet Pay-... er... Page. Not even fucking kidding. She tells you to do, wait for it, SIDE QUESTS In one, you're in this tabletop RPG, and it's really funny and you have to kill the baron and save the princess and wow so amazing for Another one marks the return of SAM AND MAX, who are ghosts now (R.I.P.). You have to get the Normanomicon back, which they use to have a bling-bling wild party. Then you have to stop, er... one of them from rampaging in a drunken haze. There were some others, but they weren't too too memorable.
Anyway, then you go to Reaver's mansion, and try to rescue soldiers, and Reaver's like "The Game", and forces you into colosseum shit, which introduces rape mode: BALVARINES. Fuck balvarines, man. Reaver gets away, and you and Page wallow in misery. I forget if there's another quest here, but Page joins your cause, and you, Sir Walter and Ben Finn head to the deserts of Aurora. Your ship crashes, and you and Sir Walter, along with Sir Dog, are stranded in the desert.
Sir Walter and you rush through a cave, meeting THE DARKNESS, which is really creepy, and drains all of Sir Walter's strength, blinding him, and making you have to drag him out. Now you get a choice of whether to carry him or leave him. I tried to carry him, but the game FORCED me to leave him behind. I was in tears at this point. Sir Walter was a great guy, and I just left him to his death. Fuck you, game. Then you trek through the desert, and THE DARKNESS shows illusions and tells you he's dead and blames you, and you're like "ORANGE ". You collapse, and Ben Finn finds you. He and Sir Walter are there when you awake, and Sir Walter makes a full recovery! Anyway, the Aurorans join your cause, and you travel back to Albion for the REVOLUTION. Basically, you overthrow Logan like a man, and you become king. Whee.
Here, you get a personal assistant, who is a greedy fuck. Your first thing is you have to decide whether to kill or spare Logan. I chose to spare him because WINGS. More choices followed, LIST TIME. Not sure if they're in the right order.
Build orphanage vs. build brothel: Brothel
Drain lake to mine vs. preserve lake: Drain
Give Sabine back mountains vs. mine for resources: Give back
Make Aurora part of Albion vs. make them work for it: Make part of Albion
Build Auroran outpost vs. don't: Build
Build child labour factory vs. build school: School
There are probably others but anyway. During this, you also have to retrieve a giant diamond, retrieve a balvarine statue from the WHITE BALVARINE, and you can choose to do this by either killing it, or letting it rampage in Silverpines. During this, a SECRET QUEST opens up. You have to reactivate the Sunset House, and beat Chesty at chess. Chesty's Chess, which is killing living chess pieces. Fun fun. Chesty, what a guy. The best guy ever?

Also, there's a quest to get books, I should add. One takes you to this guy's basement, where he has BARNUM'S THESAURUS. Barnum, another great guy. R.I.P.
Anyway, after all kinds of decisions, THE DARKNESS comes to Albion, and, long story short, posesses Sir Walter. You defeat Sir Walter, defeating THE DARKNESS forever, but also killing Sir Walter. In the end, to save Albion, you had to kill your advisor, fellow soldier, and most of all, friend.

R.I.P., Sir Walter
You will never be forgotten.

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Afterward, they take supplies to Sabine, and you give him the music box, an artifact of untold power, which is never mentioned again. Did Eif and I write this?

Pop everywhere

Game is indeed orgasmique been playing it so long and wow RIP Sir Walter I miss him more than

I didn't like how they didn't show sir darkness attacking I mean one second you're just chilling in your castle with your homies and then Sir Walter is like "o btw darkness in bowerstone"

Also best line of the game is in The Game side mission: "What kind of rubbish game lets you kill the villain with one blow?" I cried laughing so hard and wow

hmmm what else

Pretty neat clothes and combat and nice weapons oh yeah I'd use them to vanquish my foes anyday and spellweaving? Blades and vortex oh yeah give it to me now now now now now now now now

fucking chickens