Oblivious: Fighters Guild

CHAPTOUR ONE:
"hidely ho cell neighbourino!!! i see you are a boring, uninspired breton, and a frumpy bretonette at that!!! you're going to die soon, of course, but i'll talk to the guards; maybe i'll be able to put a bag over your head as i give those titties a grandiose slap"
"mr emperor sir through here this is the cell with the secret escape route" "wait why is there a prisoner in here" "i'll take care of it" Glenroy draws his sword and winds up for a devastating slash on our heroine. "HOLD GLENROY" "mr emperor sir?!" "you would strike down a defenseless breton who owes me money? elyzyn here has been living so long inside my dreams that i'm about to charge her rent" "sir?" "oh fair breton maiden, please allow me to pump you full of my royal seed so i may create a beautiful bastard" "sir we don't have time for this; you're about to be assassinated" "oh fair enough i suppose; i've got that other bastard anyway" The Emperor hands Elyzyn the Amulet of Kings. "a present for my dream date" "uh-" "if you need to verify its authenticity, just take it to jauffre at the weynon priory; i'd love to continue our conversation, but i've got a date with a mythic dawn blade; ciao" The Emperor exits Elyzyn's cell, and, true to his word, is assassinated. Elyzyn soon is released from jail.

CHAPTOUR TWO:
"hello my name is elyzyn i am a recently-released ex-con and i would like to join the fighters guild" "oh thank god; i'm your new boss, azzan, and i need you to undertake a contract no one else here wants to do" "okay shoot" "arvena thelas is having a problem with rats in her basement" "I'M ON IT!!!" Elyzyn rushes outside and tears down the streets of Anvil to Arvena Thelas's house. Elyzyn crashes down the stairs to the basement and slays the rats with her mighty blade. "I'VE FOUGHT MUDCRABS MORE FEARSOME THAN YOU!!! HAHA!!!" "WHAT IS GOING ON DOWN HERE" "have no fear citizen; your rat problem is no more" "NOOOOOOOOOOO!!! MY BEAUTIFUL RATS!!! YOU MONSTER!!!" "she's obviously in shock at the great job i did; i'll leave her be" Elyzyn twirls her sword and heads back to the guild hall. "good news azzan; i've slain those rats" "great work, i always hated that bitch; here, have a promotion" "oh boy"

CHAPTOUR THREE:
"elyzyn, there's a new contract none of us can be bothered to take; i need you to go to the docks and assist norbert lelles at his shop, it's being burgled" "GASP!!! do not fear azzan, i will make sure these burglars burgle no more!!!" Elyzyn rushes out to the docks and hits up Lelles Quality Mercandise. "i am norbert i am i am norbert i am norbert i am i am norbert lelles i am i am i am norbert i am norbert i am norbert i am i am i am norbert lelles how may i help you" "are you having a stroke" "no, i'm just laying down some fresh raps my dog; i've got to sell something now that all my mercandise has been burgled" "oh right; i'm here to take care of your burglary problem" "well shieeeet dog; i'll just get a room at the nearby inn and wait for you to contact me once the burglaries have ceased" "can do"
Elyzyn waits inside Norbert Lelles's shop, when some shady burglar-types waltz in. "man i can't wait to steal more of lelles's stuff" "he is norbert he is he is norbert he is norbert lelles" "HALT EVILDOERS!!! REPENT AND BURGLE NO MORE!!!" "who's this idiot" "there are three of us and one of her let's tie her down and play with her holes" "good idea storn" The bandits make to hogtie, but they are swiftly cut down. Elyzyn heads to the Flowing Bowl to report her success. "i am norbert i am i am norbert i am norbert i am i am norbert lelles i am i am i am norbert i am norbert i am norbert i am i am i am norbert lelles good job taking care of those burglars"

CHAPTOUR FOUR:
Elyzyn reports to Modryn Oreyn in Chorrol for her official Fighters Guild duties. "okay listen up you stupid associate-" "journeyman" "WHATEVER; another stupid associate like you named maglir has defaulted on a contract in skingrad and i need YOU to clean this mess up" "on it"
"hey maglir i hear you defaulted on a contract" "listen, i've got a family" "pardon?" "i joined the fighters guild to fight humans and rats not GHOSTS" "you disgust me maggie" "huh?" "we at the fighters guild are the last line of defense between these poor people and a horrible grave" "that's the imperial guard" "shut up and go join the mages guild if you want to be on easy street" "no way; they have to fight necromancers!!! and i hear the king of worms has returned!!! mannimarco!!!" "polo"
Elyzyn heads into the ghost-infested mine and returns the journal within to Oreyn. "oh you've got the journal good; did maglir give this to you" "ha ha no i had to go get it myself" "i will be sure to discipline that idiot bosmer myself later; the old fighters guild punishment stick has lain dormant for too long" "give him a few whacks for me"

CHAPTOUR FIVE:
"okay associate-" "swordsman" "WHATEVER; more stupid associates like you are being drunk and disorderly in leyawiin and i want you to put a stop to it" "by any means necessary?" "short of murder" "damn"
"how do you do fellow guild members; how's the drinks" "the service here is abysmal and the entertainment is lackluster" "so why are you still here" "there's nothing else to do but become drunk and also disorderly!!! there's no work for us here in leyawiin ever since the blackwood company moved in, and no one's invented a fun activity you can do inside for hours on end" "have you tried reading?" "oh i never thought of that!!!" "let's all go to our local library!!!" The disorderly Fighters Guild members head off for the library.
"okay mr oreyn, i've solved the issue" "yes but what was the cause of the issue" "the jobs in leyawiin are all being taken by the blackwood company" "DAMN THAT NIGGERWOOD COMPANY!!! DAMN THEM TO HELL!!!"

CHAPTOUR SIX:
"okay associate-" "protector" "WHATEVER; that dumbass bosmer retard maglir has defaulted on another contract!!!" "the gall of that mer" "head to bravil and teach him the lesson the punishment stick couldn't"
"oh it's you; oreyn's lapdog" "better a lapdog than a pussy" "oh fuck you too; i've joined up with the blackwood company now!!! they recognise my value and ensure that i have the proper amount of support for my contracts" "oh yes, you definitely needed that lizard there to back you up for all the important standing around you're doing" "fuck this i'm out of here; give my regards to oreyn" Maglir flips Elyzyn off as he and his lizard friend leave the bar.

CHAPTOUR SEVEN:
"so what's happened to maglir" "he joined the blackwood company" "good riddance i'd say, but the rate at which that damned niggerwood company keeps poaching our members is alarming" "yes, i'll say" "i need you to join up with those niggers and find out the secret to their success" "i could never betray the fighters guild!!!" "i'll promote you all the way up to champion" "skipping defender, warder, and guardian?!" "yes, you'll be equal in rank to me" "deal"
"good to have you as a member elyzyn, i've heard of your exploits in the uh other guild (the name escapes me) and you'll be perfect for the blackwood company" "uh thanks" "so we're going to send you out on your first mission; drink this, it's the secret to our power" "huh?" "it's the sap from a hist tree!!! it's good stuff" "what? that sounds an awful lot like ILLEGAL DRUGS!!! i D.A.R.E.d to RESIST drugs and alcohol!!! i have a certificate and everything hanging in my shack on the imperial city's waterfront!!!" "drink up or die; this is the blackwood company soldier" "how about no" Elyzyn slaughters the lot of them, and heads upstairs to make a proclamation. "UH TO ALL THE BLACKWOOD COMPANY OR NIGGERS AS I LIKE TO CALL THEM, GET OFF TAMRIEL BECAUSE IT'S FOR FIGHTERS GUILD ONLY, UNDERSTAND, CAUSE IF YOU DON'T I WILL MAKE LIZARD PEOPLE SLAVES AGAIN!!!" The Blackwood Company charges at Elyzyn, being cut down by her mighty blade. Soon, they all lay dead as Maglir walks into the room. "WHAT HAVE YOU DONE!!! my friends, no, MY FAMILY!!! MY NIGGERS!!! I SHALL AVENGE THEM!!!" Elyzyn strikes down Maglir with one slice. "i've fought mudcrabs more fearsome than you"
THE END