doot

CHAPTOUR ONE:
Deep in the forest lived a tribe of midgets who all bonded with fairies. One midget, however, did not have a fairy to call his own. He tried to convince the other midgets that having a fairy was something only homos did, but he was unsuccessful. One fateful day, the fairyless midget was approached by a fairy of his very own. "HEY LISTEN link i'm navi i'm going to be your fairy now" "oh cool i-" "HEY LISTEN you need to go to the deku tree now" "o-okay" Link climbs down the large ladder leading to his treehouse and sees a fellow midget named Saria. "hey link nice fairy" "oh hey-" "HEY LISTEN link and i are on important business we have no time for hoes" "h-hoes?!" "NAVI YOU FUCK" Link slaps Navi down for insulting the only attractive midget girl in the tribe. "HEY LISTEN ow"
Link walks up to the Great Deku Tree, as instructed by Navi. "oh link good you're here i need you INSIDE ME RIGHT NOW" "uh dude i-" "a terrible monster lurks within my bowels and you must defeat it" "d-do i have to"

CHAPTOUR TWO:
After removing the obstruction in the Great Deku Tree's bowels, Link is told to leave the village and see the world. The first place he heads is Hyrule Castle, sneaking past the guards to meet with Princess Zelda. "why are you wearing a towel on your head" "y-you're the boy from my dreams!!! listen listen you see that guy in the throne room? his name is ganondorf and he is totally evil" "how do you know" "he's brown!!! have you ever met a brown person who ISN'T evil?!" "well no-" "see? impeccable logic"
Zelda told Link to gather up some gemstones for some reason or another, so he heads to Kakariko Village to get up to Death Mountain. Before that, however, he makes a detour to the graveyard. "hey kid you want to play a game? you give me five bucks and i'll dig up a grave for you" "uh no thanks" "really? you never know, you could find a piece of heart in one of these graves" "yeah that's what i'm afraid of"

CHAPTOUR THREE:
"oh i am so MAD nothing can get me out of this huff i've been worked into!!!" Link begins playing a tune on his ocarina. "OH SHIT YEAH THIS IS MY FUCKING JAM" Darunia cranks out his hardcore dance to Link's ocarina-playing. "thanks midget dude i'm not mad any more" "what got you so worked up anyway" "oh it's that asshole ganondorf!!! he summoned big dodongoes in our mine and sealed the entrance with a big boulder!!! without being able to mine for rocks, we'll have nothing to eat!!!" "you eat rocks?" "yeah" "can't you just eat the boulder?" "hey you eat plants, right?" "i guess?" "can't you just eat the deku tree?" "i can't wait to bomb some dodongoes"
Link blows up the boulder at the entrance to the cavern and defeats the giant dodongo, returning peace to the gorons. Darunia rushes up to congratulate him. "BROS FOR LIFE DOG; BROS FOR LIFE"

CHAPTOUR FOUR:
"all of hyrule's water flows from our king's throne room, midget boy" Link looks over at the king, sitting pantsless atop the waterfall. "all of our water runs through his junk?!" "his ROYAL junk" Link throws up violently.
"midget boy i need you to rescue my daughter from the inside of our lord and saviour, jabu jabu, behind me; let me scoot over so you can pass" The king begins to scoot over, grunting as he slowly, slowly makes his way over. "you know, some links get to sail the seas or hang-glide around the country; i get to be eaten by a fish"
After being eaten by a fish, Link finds the fish princess. "princess i'm here to rescue you" "well i'm not leaving without my jewelry" "naturally" Link defeats a giant meat monster and recovers the jewelry. "here you go" "hmm yes good work; i will allow you to marry me now" "wh-what?!" "i know you're overcome but please; i am your fiancee now" Link throws up violently.

CHAPTOUR FIVE:
"zelda i got all your dumb bullshit" "bad news link; getting all the dumb bullshit only advanced ganondorf's plans; he can now plunge the world into darkness" "oh lame" "so i need you to go to the temple of time and travel seven years into the future where you're an adult and stop him when you're older" "can't i just use the temple of time to go back to before i collected all your dumb bullshit in the first place" "what? no that's stupid"
Link pulls the Master Sword from its pedestal, and ends up seven years in the future. After five temples with no character interactions of note, Link collects the five spirit stones and opens his way to Ganondorf's castle. "so you've finally made it but i am afraid you are no match for me and my sick hairdo" "you're right it's way too sick" "care for a game of tennis?" "oh yeah totally" Link and Ganondorf play tennis, but Link accidentally hits Ganondorf in the face with the ball. "OW YOU FUCKER" Ganondorf turns into his beast form and attacks. Luckily, the beast form's hairdo is nowhere near as sick, and Link strikes down Ganon easily. "CURSE YOU ZELDA CURSE YOU SAGES AND CURSE YOU Link"
With Ganondorf defeated, Princess Zelda is returned to the world. "well that was an adventure" "yes, and i hope you've learned that you can't trust a brown person"
THE END