Something to Talk About (2018)

Mission 050: Built to Spill [Azalea]
"aw man i spilled mountain dew all over my shirt" Jakey takes off his shirt and hucks it into the laundry basket, then salutes the fallen drink that never got to fulfill its purpose as a fluid meant for ingestion. "hey jakey the door was open so i-" Azalea stops dead in her tracks. "you should really get that looked at" "what" "that gaping hole in your stomach" "my navel?" "i don't see what military ships have to do with it" "no i mean the place where the umbilical cord used to be" "the who" "that's how you get your nutrients inside the womb" "in the what" Jakey smacks his face with his hand. "okay azalea; when a mommy and a daddy love eachother very much, they engage in an act called 'copulation'; from this, the man's seed fertilises an egg inside the woman, which develops into a baby; the baby is carried around for nine months then the woman gives birth out of her vagina" "WHAT no that's not how babies work at all!!!" "oh?" "yes what happens is the science man takes the man's and the woman's deoxyribonucleic acid (or DNA for short) and combines it into the best possible baby; then he grows the baby out of a special bowl" "..." "..." "the future is weird" "and having a living human being shoot out of you isn't?!" "it doesn't really shoot out of you; you just lie there in pain hoping the baby will slide out soon but it takes hours and hours" "NO FUCKING WONDER WE DEVELOPED A BETTER TECHNIQUE" "i wouldn't say 'better'; a lot of mothers claim that childbirth was the best moment of their life" "i am sure they are just trying to trick naive young women into experiencing the same pain; otherwise the human species would end" "that theory certainly has merit" "ANYWAY i came over to return your N64; i couldn't understand how to hold the controller" "i don't think anyone truly does" "well the japanese were recently hit with a nuclear bomb right? they probably mutated a third arm" "that actually makes a lot of sense" "also i need to return this other thing that i found inside the box; i believe it is yours" Azalea hands Michelle to Jakey. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/N64 t-shirt]

Mission 051: Blood, Sweat, and Tears [Gwendolyn]
"jakey bad news; post have come out with their own cereal made with real blood called bloody pebbles" "oh i know the tv jingle is so catchy; 'pebbles, bloody pebbles; they're a nutritious breakfast treat; from the post factory; they're made with real human blood'" Gwendolyn glares at Jakey. "uh sorry" "since we cannot hope to write a catchier jingle, we need to do a smear campaign" "well what would turn a vampire off from a real human blood breakfast" "the main question i'd ask is 'where do they get the blood', so we just have to come up with the worst answer for that ever and call it good" "what if it's actually blood from small children" "i said the WORST answer not the most delicious" "OH OH what if they sneak into vampires' houses and steal it from them" "oh god that is perfect" Gwendolyn sits down at her typewriter and begins typing up a script, then she and Jakey film a re-enactment. In post-production, Gwendolyn pastes a Post logo over Jakey's head. "it is perfect; now to release it onto national television" Gwendolyn pops the tape into her VCR. "uh gwendolyn" "yeah?" "that's not-" "what do you mean look it's on television right now" "uh sure" Michelle ejects the tape and puts in a copy of the home movie she made where Jakey fell down and hurt himself, and laughs like never before. "that one always cheers me up; take me home"
[reward: respect +/VHS tape jacket]

Mission 052: There Must be Some Misunderstanding [Gwendolyn]
"jakey the video worked; post has stopped producing bloody pebbles" "oh cool" "on an unrelated note uh have you gotten any mail recently" "come to think of it, no i haven't" "that is very strange; that lady is generally so gung-ho about it" "in my many years of experience dealing with this woman, nine times out of ten, a delay in the mail is generally my fault somehow" "well i'm expecting a package so i'll come with you" Jakey and Gwendolyn hop into The Motherfucker and drive around town until they find the post truck parked outside Deputy Orange's place. "so what's up ms post lady" "THIS CITIZEN IS REFUSING TO ACCEPT HIS MAIL; BUT THE MAIL MUST ALWAYS GO THROUGH SO I AM GOING TO BATTER DOWN HIS DOOR" "that's not such a good idea" "THE TIME FOR GOOD IDEAS IS PAST" The post lady smears cake batter all over Deputy Orange's front door. "I JUST CLEANED THAT DOOR" "IF YOU DO NOT WANT YOUR WINDOWS TO ALSO BE BATTERED DOWN, ACCEPT YOUR MAIL" "NEVER I'VE SEEN WHAT YOU POST PEOPLE DO WHEN YOU ENTER PEOPLE'S HOUSES" "..." "..." "goddammit i can't believe our actions had a negative consequence" "and everything was going so well too" Gwendolyn shakes her head, and resets the "DAYS WITHOUT OUR ACTIONS CAUSING THE POST SYSTEM TO BREAK DOWN" counter to zero, from its previous spot at five. "that was a new record too" "hey deputy orange can i come in" "OKAY I'LL BE RIGHT DOWN" Deputy Orange climbs down the stairs and unlocks the door for Jakey, but what he sees instead is the post lady, who shoves the mail into his hands, knocking him clean over. The post lady then hops into her post van and peels out for the next house. "OH NO THIS PACKAGE IS TICKING" Deputy Orange hucks away the ticking package, and out pops Michelle holding an alarm clock. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Deputy Orange missions]

Mission 053: Blood Ties [Gwendolyn]
Jakey enters Gwendolyn's apartment, which is a maze of cereal boxes he doesn't recognise. "blood chex?" "oh jakey good you're here follow my voice over to the kitchen i've got exciting news" "i'll bet" Jakey does as he's told, and arrives in a normal kitchen, except nearly every dish in it is in the sink. "you'll never guess what's happened!!!" "general mills has come out with a cereal for vampires?" "well yeah but it's SO GOOD IT'S THE BEST THING EVER EVER YOU'VE GOT TO TRY IT" "i'm not a vampire gwend-" Gwendolyn shoves a spoon into Jakey's mouth as he's talking. "oh my GOD THIS IS AMAZING" "I TOLD YOU" "but wait what about bloody puffs" "THAT'S THE BEST PART; I SOLD THE COMPANY FOR A DEATHTIME SUPPLY OF BLOOD CHEX!!!" "wow they got RIPPED OFF" "I KNOW RIGHT now check this out i used the recipe on the side of the box to make BLOODY BUDDIES" Gwendolyn passes Jakey a bag of chocolate/sugar/blood treats, which he immediately begins to mow down. "gwendolyn will you marry me" "only if you can handle being number two in my life after this cereal" "oh of course what else could i ever be" Jakey and Gwendolyn pour cereal down their throats, happy to eat the most delicious thing in the world. Michelle wades through the sea of boxes. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Blood Chex t-shirt]

Mission 054: Let Them Eat Cake [Amber]
"JAKEY I CAN'T BELIEVE IT" "believe what" "IF I DON'T GET MARRIED WITHIN A FEW MONTHS, I'LL TURN INTO A CHRISTMAS CAKE!!! I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW THEY ATE CAKES ON CHRISTMAS!!!" "fruitcakes" "... those actually exist? i thought they were just made up to frighten small children, like the easter bunny" "ANYWAY i think that's just a myth; kathy's still a virgin and she hasn't been transformed into a baked good" "SHE'S JEWISH JAKEY THEY DON'T EVEN CELEBRATE CHRISTMAS" "oh right" "jakey the only solution is you need to marry me before december" "but amber some of my best friends are christmas cakes and i didn't marry them; i can't just show you preferential treatment because you asked me to" "wow that's uh pretty selfish of you even after i DIED not too long ago" "wha-THAT WAS ERASED FROM THE TIMELINE" "oh right disregard that" "amber if i married every girl i hang around constantly before they became a christmas cake i'd also have had to marry my sister and that is not a road i want to go down" "y-your sister is a christmas cake?! but she's so lively!!!" "she has accepted her fate" Michelle walks up and nods solemnly. "all i have left to keep me happy is having jakey take me home"
[reward: respect +/road jacket]

Mission 055: The Eyes Have It [Jezzie]
"jakey you are just in time!!! i present to you the new and improved!!! and evil!!! sophia!!!" Sophia enters the room, a glowing red eye replacing the one that had been dead and white. "does it work?" "yes actually i was surprised and impressed" "of course it works!!! what kind of demoness would i be if i couldn't replace one little eye!!!" "so boss what are my evil duties" "oh just be yourself!!! evil is best when it comes from the heart!!!" "wait then what was even the point of making her evil if you're not going to have her do anything?!" "well now that she's officially evil, she has to pay her evil taxes to me, as well as her evil union dues" "'evil union' is redundant" "so it is" "so you did all this just to make some money?" "it actually worked out really well; i was just going to tax sophia but she INSISTED i make mr. shooty evil too so now they both have to pay evil taxes" "why in the world would you do that sophia?!" "he's my best friend!!! i can't just leave him alone in the world of good!!!" Jakey smacks his forehead with his palm. "now one more thing before you leave!!! we can't have you representing evil wearing THAT!!!" Jezzie snaps her fingers, and Sophia's clothes become much, much darker. "you barely changed anything" "listen evil people need to wear dark clothes that's just how it goes" Jakey shakes his head in exasperation. "now!!! anything else before you go?" "well um this is kind of a weird request but um can i touch you" "..." "..." "um okay" Sophia walks over and buries her face in Jezzie's hair. "IT'S EVEN SOFTER THAN IT LOOKS" Sweat begins to drip down Jakey's face. Sophia is now doing exactly what he wanted to do. Jakey can't give into the temptation, lest he get tricked into some sort of evil contract. Just then, Jakey is saved by a familiar voice. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Sophia missions]

Mission 056: Dark Magic [Jezzie]
"oh good there you are i wanted you to see this" "see-" Jezzie snaps her fingers, and she and Jakey are instantly on The Great Cheryl's practice set. "-what" "hey the great cheryl have you ever considered becoming evil" "not interested" "come on please" "no" "all the cool kids are doing it" Fed up after the attempt on her life, The Great Cheryl uses her magic to disintegrate Jezzie. Of course, Jezzie pops right back up seconds later. "just kidding i can't be killed" "i don't buy it" The Great Cheryl shoots a stream of magma from her hands at Jezzie. "hey that tickles" The Great Cheryl doesn't let up, though. Jezzie checks her watch. "you know i was lying when i said it tickled; i was just patronising you" The Great Cheryl still doesn't stop, so Jezzie sighs and snaps her fingers, causing The Great Cheryl's hands to freeze solid. "so ANYWAY about being evil" "what even would you want me to do" "just be yourself!!! evil is best when it comes from the heart!!!" "..." "..." "ooooookkaaaaaayyyy" "glad that's settled!!!" Jezzie puts a pen in The Great Cheryl's mouth and holds up a contract. After two marks are put on it, The Great Cheryl's hands are unfrozen, and Jezzie disappears. "so uh how's being evil treating you" The Great Cheryl stares at Jakey blankly, and throws him out the window with her magic. Jakey falls several storeys before he splatters in front of Michelle's feet. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/framed photo of The Great Cheryl frozen by Jezzie appears at safehouses]

Mission 057: Suffer for Your Art [Rachel]
"hey rachel how's-WOAH" Rachel sighs and looks at her feet. "uh that was a 'woah you look SO good' and not a 'woah did you get in a fight with a lawnmower'" Rachel slams her head down on the table. "directour said that if i'm going to play the lead role, grass, i need to look freshly-mowed" "... is that even legal" "i thought it would be a make-up thing not literally having my hair run over by a lawnmower" "i would have gotten suspicious after 'lay down in this field of grass while i rev up the lawnmower'" "well hindsight is 20/20" "well it could be worse; you look perfect for a role in directour's next movie, anime: the movie" "hey you're right i do look like i could be goku's daughter" "yeah and everyone loved that last live-action dragon ball film" "it made citizen kane look like waterworld in comparison" "see you're all set; and it only looks godawful at first glance; i only even threw up the once!!! it's kind of cute now that i've regained my composure!!!" "wow really?! maybe i should keep it like this then" "please don't" Michelle crashes through the door of Rachel's trailer on her lawnmower. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Waterworld poster]

Mission 058: Award for Word [Rachel]
"jakey the movie's done and so is anime: the movie" "wow time flies when you're inside a chamber that makes time move faster and i'm not" "and check it out" Rachel removes the bag from her head. "oh wow look at that; you're back to your normal self that doesn't make me throw up when i see you" "it's my favourite self; the trick was to lie down next to the time chamber with just my hair inside" "i wouldn't do that too much or you'll go grey by 27" "nah i'm good; i use only the most expensive haircare products so i'll last until at least 31 and women in my family don't age past 28; my mother's had her 28th birthday 15 years in a row now" "uh sure; so are you up for any awards this time" "oh too many to count!!! i'm just going to stay home and have them mail them to me though" "smart" "i do hope i win the award for best musical number though; i sung my heart out on 'one day i hope to be a lawn'" "oh yeah i read that at the premiere there wasn't a dry eye in the audience" "most of those were tears of raw emotion!!! one guy was allergic to grass though which was a shame" "can't win 'em all" "he's still in the hospital but the doctor says he'll wake up in a few years" "why don't you lend him your time chamber" "ooh there's an idea" Michelle flies over the lot in a cargo plane, and dumps thousands of pounds of grass clippings onto Jakey and Rachel. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/School Play: The Movie poster/Anime: The Movie poster]

Mission 059: Inspiration [Rachel]
"yo rachel uh why's valerie following you around" "oh she's my protege now" "what" "i-i-i was s-so inspired b-by miss rachel's p-performance i-in school p-play: the movie!!! o-one day i-i-i h-hope i-i too c-can become a l-lawn!!!" "okay show me what you've got" "o-okay" Valerie steps forward and clears her throat. "PH-PHOTOSYNTHESIS" "..." "..." "not bad" "th-thanks!!! i-i-i've worked s-so hard on it!!!" "so uh what does valerie do as your protege" "so far she's mostly just bought lunch" "i-i-i'm l-learning so m-much!!!" "well uh go easy on her she's had a hard life" "yeah i couldn't really call any life where you lose an eye an easy one" "OH right valerie i've always wanted to ask: how long did it take you to compensate for the lack of depth perception after you lost your eye" "a-a-a l-long time; i-i kept stabbing m-myself in th-the foot with th-the shovel; i-i-i've st-still got the sc-scars" "your shovel was sharp enough to leave scars?" "y-you h-have to sh-sharpen your sh-shovel every day!!! h-how else w-would you c-cut through th-the earth!!!" "..." "..." "how silly of me" Just then, Michelle jabs the sidewalk with her mighty shovel, cleaving it in two. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Valerie missions]

Mission 060: Alms for the Lord [Father Brucie]
"my son the church is not doing so well in terms of money" "oh want me to cut you a cheque?" "cash only" "sorry i'm not carrying any" "oh well can't say i'm surprised; everything i've tried has been a failure, even the mail-order conse-crate subscription service crashed and burned" "well what else did you try" "i tried just mailing around the collection plate like one of those chain letters, but people just kept pocketing the money and someone even stole the collection plate itself!!!" "oh that fucker; he's probably eating off it right now" "so i've decided that the best way to spread the lord's light and line his wallet is to get publicity by being the first man to ever walk on the moon" "uh didn't lance armstrong do that fifty years ago?" "HE WAS DISQUALIFIED FROM THE SPACE RACE FOR STEROID USE" "oh right" "but actually going to the moon seems like it would be boring so i've created a decoy in my likeness to go for me" Father Brucie motions to a giant cardboard cutout of himself. "let's fly him up" Father Brucie straps a rocket to his decoy, and pushes down a plunger, causing the rocket to lift into the air. After a few seconds, it explodes. "..." "..." "well uh" "this is clearly a sign from the lord himself that humans were not meant for space travel" "agreed" Jakey's phone rings, and it's a video call from Michelle, who is on the moon. "jakey i'm lost and alone and scared take me home"
[reward: respect +/moon jacket]

Mission 061: Tactical Assault [Special Agent Grace]
"okay you over there and you over by that lamppost" "uh what's going on here" "we're assaulting the factory; i am sure it hides a dark secret, for i simply CAN'T believe it's not butter" "uh-" "and if it ISN'T, what dark rituals are they even PERFORMING in there?!" "i-" "you need to keep clear milord; it's dangerous out here" "it's dangerous inside your head, too, you total buttcase" "the word you are looking for is 'nutcase'" "WELL YOU WOULD KNOW BETTER THAN ANYONE" "fine; to prove to you that i am not a case of any sort, you can tag along as long as you hold my hand the whole way" "..." "..." "what am i, four?" "those are the terms; either accept them or accept staying inside the car" "fine whatever" Jakey grabs Grace's hand and they head into the factory, where pentagrams line the floors and walls. "..." "..." "have you got anything to say about this jakey" "..." Jakey buries his face in his one free hand. "SIR AND MA'AM MA'AM AND SIR it appears that the employees ran out of human sacrifices to make their dark margarine and had to start sacrificing themselves" "and then they ran out of themselves?" "looks that way yeah" "well i'm leaving" Jakey turns and heads outside, where Michelle is waiting in the car. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/I Can't Believe It's Not Butter t-shirt]

Mission 062: Girls Just Wanna Have Fun [Special Agent Grace]
"i don't get it" "story of my life" "what IN THE WORLD makes funyuns more fun than other kinds of onion?! i put canada's top scientists on figuring it out but the king cut their entire budget so i had to try and figure it out myself" "and did you find anything?" "i got down to the MOLECULAR LEVEL but all i found was fat and yellow #2" "WHAT but the package says it's yellow #1!!! THEY WILL PAY FOR THIS" "no jakey this runs deeper than that; if they can make the compound that makes funyuns so fun impossible to detect, what if it's just a test, and they're going to make things like BETRAYING YOUR COUNTRYMEN fun as well?!" "holy shit you're right" "so we're in agreement" Grace slams her hand down on a big red button, launching ballistic missiles at the Funyuns factory, so whatever diabolical plans they'd concocted will never come to fruition. "i'd give you a medal if i had any on me" "but you always carry around a dozen of them at any given time" Just then, Michelle walks in, covered from head to toe in medals. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Funyuns t-shirt]

Mission 063: When the Lady Smiles [Special Agent Grace]
Grace lies on her bed, eyes wide open and bloodshot. "uh what's up is this some kind of training excercise" "i haven't slept for DAYS due to the guilt" "uh guilt?" "i have eaten so many goldfish snack crackers but i've realised: if they can smile back, that must mean that they've gained enough of a SOUL to feel proper emotion!!! HOW CAN I LIVE WITH MYSELF AFTER EATING SOMETHING WITH A SOUL" "uh then why aren't you upset about all of those animals you've eaten" "they were ALREADY dead by the time they ended up on my plate; they couldn't smile at me!!! i played no part in their death!!! THE GOLDFISH SMILED AT ME, THINKING I WAS A FRIEND, AND I ATE THEM, THEIR LAST THOUGHTS OF MY BETRAYAL" "maybe they were suicidal and smiled because you were about to release them from the pain of this mortal coil" "..." "..." "oh yeah that makes sense" Grace gets out a pen and some paper. "dear pepperidge farms, i am a big fan of your product blah blah blah but could you please clarify on your packaging that all the goldfish crackers volunteered for this; thanks, grace h.s." "that should do nicely" "welp time to hit the hay" Grace falls down onto her bed and falls asleep instantly. Michelle crawls out from under her. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Goldfish t-shirt]

Mission 064: Egg on Your Face [Special Agent Grace]
Jakey walks up behind Grace, who is crouched in the bushes, wearing safari gear. "uh-" "QUIET YOU'LL SCARE THEM AWAY" "scare what away" "i am attempting to catch the LEGENDARY cadbury creme bird to obtain a limitless supply of cadbury creme eggs!!!" "oh carry on then" Grace and Jakey hang out in the bushes for hours until they hear the flapping of tinfoil wings. Grace quickly slaps a birdcage around it, being the first human to ever capture a Cadbury Creme Bird. "holy shit you did it" "i knew that if we just stood around long enough, we'd find one eventually; let's keep this to ourselves though; we don't want animal rights groups to know we have an endangered animal in captivity" "right right" "the best part is that until this historic capture, humans had only seen what the easter and halloween eggs look like!!! IMAGINE - we will be the first to witness the eggs for hanukkah or thanksgiving or or or YOM KIPPUR" "or maybe even lent!!!" "well that is if the bird doesn't give up egg-laying for lent" "that sounds painful" "isn't it supposed to be though" "i suppose" Michelle walks up, holding her own birdcage with a Cadbury Creme Bird inside of it. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Cadbury Creme Egg t-shirt]

Mission 065: Lazy Afternoons [Natalie]
"yo natalie what's going on" "um nothing really just doing paperwork" "oh um" "yeah it's kind of an uninteresting day today" "that's not how this works" "what" "you're supposed to have a crisis or a dumb plan when i come around, unless i bring over one of my own" "well uh i'm a bit hungry?" "oh this won't do at all!!! do not worry!!! i will acquire food for you!!!" Jakey hops into The Motherfucker and peels out for the local take-out store, where a bunch of robbers are robbing the place. "PUT THE MONEY IN THE BAG AND NO ONE GETS HURT" The cashier complies, and the robbers run out past Jakey. Jakey takes out his own gun and waves it around a bit. "is it proper american etiquette to point your gun at the clerk" "YOU'VE GOT A GUN WHY DIDN'T YOU HELP" "oh sorry i wasn't sure if it was just how you americans did things" "ONLY ON THURSDAYS" The cashier points to a sign that says 'Threatening Thursdays! Threaten the cashier to get a free large soda!'. "oh my bad" Jakey runs out of the take-out store and chases down the robbers, killing them brutally. He then heads back with the money in hand. "here's your money back friend!!! do not mind the bloodstains" "just leave" "but i wanted to order-" "just take this and go" The cashier tosses Michelle over to Jakey. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/take-out store t-shirt]

Mission 066: Foreign Law [Natalie]
"hey natalie you'll never believe what just-" "I'VE HEARD ALL ABOUT IT; WHY DID YOU DO THAT" "it's pretty consistent with my established personality and prior actions" "VIGILANTEISM ISN'T LEGAL IN AMERICA" "what the FUCK kind of backwards shithole even IS this?!" "look, backwards though it may be, you've got to issue a public apology so this doesn't blow up into an international incident" "okay fine point the camera at me" Natalie points a camera at Jakey. "hello, american citizens, and more specifically, the parents of the robbers that i gunned down a few hours ago; i am DEEPLY sorry that you raised such shitty sons" Jakey pulls down his pants and begins mooning the camera for a good half-hour. "okay shut it off i think they got the message" "well you TECHNICALLY fulfilled the requirements so i guess we're good" "cool you want to go set hobos on fire?" "uh i'll pass" "your loss" Jakey shrugs and heads outside, setting fire to a hobo who turns out to be Michelle. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/vigilante t-shirt]

Mission 067: On a Wing and a Prayer [King Bran]
"UNNNGHHH" "uh king bran dude are you sick or just trying to do a sit-up" "i'm sick; i wanted to grow some sick king wings so i drank a serum i ordered off http://www.totallylegitserums.com/ but it made me physically sick and not just look sick" "oh yeah i get all my serums from http://www.definitelynotpoison.com/ which hasn't failed me yet" "can you drive me to the hospital" "oh sure sure" Jakey drags King Bran to The Motherfucker and drives off in a vaguely hospitalward direction. "oh hey can you stop and get some take-out i'm hungry" "can do" Jakey pulls over and runs into Take-Outz Я Us, where Shopkeepour stands behind the counter, chewing a fresh stick of Big League Chew chewing gum. "hey i'd like some of your finest take-out" "of course of course" Shopkeepour hands Jakey a paper bag full of take-out, and Jakey runs back to The Motherfucker. "oh man it's the good shit even hey one more thing real quick could you stop off and grab the new kanye album" "oh i didn't know you were a fan" "i don't really like his music, but even i cannot deny that man's charisma" Jakey drives down the road a bit, and pulls over at Kanye Albumz Я Us, where Shopkeepour stands behind the counter, chewing a fresh stick of Zebra Stripes chewing gum. "sorry we're fresh out of the new kanye album" "uh-oh how will i explain this to the king?!" "oh i didn't know our king was a kanye fan" "he hides it pretty well" "well i uh if it's for the king i-i guess he can have one of the copies i'd saved for myself" Shopkeepour reaches below the counter, and grabs one of fifteen copies of the new Kanye album he'd saved for himself. "oh thank you dear friend; take this and don't waste it" Jakey hands Shopkeepour a 'get out of jail free' card, and then rushes back out to The Motherfucker and tosses King Bran the new Kanye album, then drives down to the hospital. "oh no what is being happening to king?!" "he wanted some wings so he drank some weird serum he bought on the internet" "why not just be drinking of red bull?!" "gross" Doctor Vladimir plops King Bran into a wheelchair, and wheels him off, then wheels Michelle out. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/.com t-shirt]

Mission 068: I Need to Make You Mine [The Great Cheryl]
"ah jeremy you are here; i need you to tell me how great my newest idea is" "okay lay it on me" "as you may already know, about a week ago, i was on one of those 'celebrity' game shows but my plans to make a shitload of money were thwarted by the rule that all money earned has to go to charity" "which charity did you donate it to" "that one where they buy breast implants for needy little girls" "good choice""so my NEWEST plan is to diguise myself as a regular person and go on a regular game show to win regular money" "seems like it would work" "so how's this disguise" The Great Cheryl magically transforms herself into a woman with a different hairstyle and eye colour. "i'd hit it" "so this disguise is named JENNIFER okay don't call me anything else; not 'the great cheryl' or 'the great jennifer' and ESPECIALLY not 'jenny'" "the other two i get but jenny?" "i have never liked that name" Jennifer speeds up time so that everything happens in a flash. Jennifer wins game after game, and is eventually banned from it for life, so she re-disguises herself as Veronica, repeating the process. Then she becomes Lucille, then Claudia, then Yvonne. Eventually, the game show loses so much money that they ban female contestants altogether. "that was fun let's go ruin a different gameshow" Michelle crawls into the room. "it's been so long need food need water need jakey to take me home"
[reward: respect +/Piper missions]

Mission 069: There's Evil Afoot [Deputy Orange]
"jakey, there's been an abnormally large amount of evil in the air lately" "oh you noticed it too?" "well i have found a contributor, if not the source!!!" "uh-oh" "check it out" Deputy Orange gestures toward Resistance Leadour, who is just kind of sitting around. "um i don't-" "i'm going in" "i wouldn't do that if i were-" Before Jakey can finish his sentence, Deputy Orange is off like a rocket, and slaps a pair of handcuffs onto Resistance Leadour. The handcuffs instantly slide off her hands. "uh sorry about that" Deputy Orange slaps the handcuffs on again, making sure they are tight, but they slide off again. Deputy Orange breathes in sharply, and slaps the handcuffs on a third time, tightening them to the point where they are cutting off circulation to Resistance Leadour's wrists. The handcuffs slide off for a third time, and single tears well up in Deputy Orange's eyes. "W-WELL FUCK YOU TOO" Deputy Orange runs off, so as not to let anyone see him cry. "what was that all about" Resistance Leadour shrugs and returns to her sitting. Just then, Michelle slaps a pair of handcuffs onto Jakey. "you're under arrest for not taking me home"
[reward: respect +/Resistance Leadour missions]

Mission 070: Keep Abreast of Evil [Deputy Orange]
"okay jakey this time i have actually caught an evildoer!!!" Deputy Orange motions toward the cell next to him, where Rachel waves to Jakey. "..." "..." "um what did she do?" "oh come on jakey we can't afford to LET THEM DO ANYTHING EVIL; we have to strike preemptively!!!" "he's got a point; i will gladly waste away in here if it means my evil will never reign over the land!!!" "wait what" "that's not your line!!!" "what" Rachel holds up her script. "you're supposed to say 'but my dear franzeldorf; i cannot bear to live without you!!!'" "..." "are we reading different scripts or something" "i'm not reading any script!!!" "i'm not sure the director will like you improvising all of your lines" "..." "..." "rachel this isn't film rehearsal, you've actually been arrested" "..." "..." "FUCK I WASTED MY ONE PHONE CALL ORDERING A PIZZA" "pizza delivery!!!" Sara rushes in with a pizza fresh from Kathy Pizza. "oh good; just slide it through the bars" Sara complies, and soon Rachel is enjoying a nice pepperoni pizza. "so you're not bent out of shape about being thrown in jail?" "well it'll be good for getting into character at least; i'm sure eventually my mother will show up and BUST me out of here" "you've been waiting for years to use that pun, haven't you?" "yeah" Rachel's cellmate stirs from her bed. "wait you ordered pizza?! and you didn't offer me any?!" Outraged, Michelle stamps her foot. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Rachel missions]

Mission 071: I Want Candy [Sophia]
"hey sophie how's being evil treating you" "it's actually not bad; i'd thought it would be terrible but i'm enjoying it" "uh good to hear?" "oh OH and i even improved upon a classic evil technique!!!" "really?" "okay okay check it out" Sophia turns and looks out through the window. "see that baby over there enjoying his candy" "uh yeah" "well previously you'd have to sneak up behind the carriage and snatch it out of his hand BUT with my improved technique, you can make that baby cry from a thousand yards!!!" Sophia grabs Mr. Shooty and blasts the candy right out of the baby's hand, leaving the baby unharmed, but crying its eyes out. "..." "..." "okay yeah that's impressive" Suddenly, Jezzie appears in a puff of smoke and gives Sophia a big hug. "i knew recruiting you was a great idea!!! you will prove to be a valuable asset to evil!!! also with just a few more evil tickets, you'll be able to afford some stylish devil wings!!!" "oh boy" Jezzie snaps her fingers and disappears, only to reappear a moment later with Michelle. "oh yeah jakey this is for you" "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Jezzie missions]

Mission 072: Just Hanging Out [Sophia]
"yo sophie why are you standing out in front of this movie theatre" "oh OH this is great!!! listen listen i was thinking about being evil and i realised how amazingly evil it would be if i just stood out here all day spoiling the hot new movies" "jesus" "this was, of course, AFTER i removed the wet floor signs so people would slip and fall, mismatched every pair of socks and sandals in the socks and sandals store, shook every single soda in the soda store, and stood outside the hair salon insulting all the women's new haircuts" "well you've certainly been busy" "hey want some gum?" Sophia holds out a package of gum, and Jakey grabs a stick, receiving an electric shock. "ow" "oh OH also i went to the grocery store and opened every single tub of ice cream and ate a couple spoonfuls" "oh man now i'm craving something sweet" "want some gum?" Sophia holds out the same package of gum, and Jakey falls for it again. "ow fuck" Just then, Michelle walks up, hoping to see the hot new movie. "ROSEBUD WAS THE SLED" "WHAT?! WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT" "oh sorry would you like some gum to make up for it" "no; jakey, take me home"
[reward: respect +/gum jacket]

Mission 073: Back to School [Valerie]
Jakey knocks on Valerie's door. "GAH" A loud crash is heard, and Valerie scrambles to the door. "h-hi" "hey" "i-i-i g-got another p-package from m-my aunt" "but it's not even hanukkah" "i-i-i kn-know!!! i-i-i'm a-afraid i-it m-might be a-a-a b-bomb" "i uh doubt that one" Valerie's mouth tightens into a frown, and she leaves Jakey over to the package. "yeah this isn't a bomb; bombs usually tick or are on fire" "o-oh" Valerie hesitates, but opens the package regardless. "'c-congraulations on b-being accepted t-to h-har-vard'? i-i-i d-don't even kn-know what th-that is!!! a-and wh-what's th-this thing" "that's a laptop computer" Valerie sets the computer on her lap. "i-is it w-working? i-is it c-computing?" "uh you have to turn it on first" Valerie presses a button, opening the laptop. "O-OH NO I-I-I B-BROKE IT" Jakey shakes his head and presses the power button. "o-oh" The computer boots up, and Valerie sees all kinds of strange 'getting started' messages. "wh-what's this? h-hook up to th-the 'inter-net'?" Jakey's expression turns from amusement to panic instantly. "UH uh that's just for uh interns yeah intern-net" "o-oh okay b-but um wh-what do you e-even do on th-this thing" "you can play solitaire" "uh i-i d-don't see wh-why i-i'd need s-such a l-large solitaire m-machine at h-har-vard b-but i-i guess that's wh-what it takes" "i suppose so; those college kids love their solitaire" "i-i'll w-wait here f-for the sch-school bus then" Michelle hops off of the school bus and runs over to tell Jakey about her day. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/laptop t-shirt]

Mission 074: Congratulations! [Valerie]
Jakey knocks on Valerie's door, and the door is calmly opened. "i-i-i got a-another p-package from m-my aunt" "open it open it" Valerie opens the envelope, and inside is a card with "CONGRATULATIONS" printed on the front. "I-I-I-I'M P-PREGNANT?! b-b-but i-i-i-i-i've n-never even s-SEEN a s-stork!!!" "pregnant on your first day at harvard?! i didn't think you had it in you" "I-I-I S-SWEAR I-I-I N-NEVER DID" "also it says here that it's for mallory not valerie" "o-oh g-good" Valerie hucks the card into the fireplace, burning it down to cinders. Michelle walks up and hands Jakey her own card. "'CONGRATULATIONS on taking me home'"
[reward: respect +/CONGRATULATIONS t-shirt]