"where the fuck am i" Jake Adjutant woke up surrounded by hobos and degenerates. "hey, it's me, billy dexter and welcome to" "OHMYGODBILLYDEXTERI'MYOURBIGGESTFA-... aren't you dead" "yeah, but so are you" "... fuck" Jake took a look around and found Julie resting inside a giant tilt-o-whirl with Belt. "Belt!" Jake hugged Belt, and they frolliced through a giant field. "is this heaven" "no, this is Limbo" "nice" "hey look it's kurt cobain" "sweet" "hey" "hey what're you doing here" "oh, you know being a major-label corporate rock sell-out and playing louie louie" "nice" "yeah" "am i on fire" "no" "well, i'm going over here, now" "nice" "i'll let you get back to playing gloria" "oh yeah"
Oh, and in a few minutes, Jake found Brandon Lehman, Eifion Lewis, Taylor Maddox, Alex Hart, Anthony Brevick, Kevin Repp and Antony Lusmore. The latter four weren't mad about being canibalized, saying it's what they would've done. Fun! Oh, and Belt took up permantent residence in Jake's pants. Not gay. "we have to get out of here" "but how" "let's eat our way out" "good idea" So, they started eating the cloud, which disintegrated, causing them to seperate into three distinct parties: Jake, Julie, Belt and Kurt, Eifion, Antony, Billy and Alex, and Brandon, Taylor, Kevin, and Anthony. For your convienience, each following paragraph will detail one party, in the order of JJBK, EABA and BTKA.
"hey, julie" "yeah, jake" "am i on fire" "no" "good" With that, they (they meaning Julie) grabbed a torch and walked through a damp dungeon, with Kurty playing Louie Louie the whole way. Jake, being on-fire-phobic, stayed as far away from the torch as humanely possible whilist groping Julie. This required skill, and was, indeed, the hardest thing ever. Oh, and then and there they all realised that Jake was weaponless. Oops. And, at that realisation,
clones attacked! Yay! Jake quickly proceeded to light them on fire, whilst making sure he didn't catch fire himself. He gave the torch back to Julie and took up a couple of rapiers, and slid a few inbetween him and Belt, being careful so as not to stab Belt in the fucking side. "hey, am i on fire" "still no" "groovy"
"hey, eifion" "yeah, billy" "can i hold your sternum" "... fuck, no" More torch grabbing occurs, and Billy starts interviewing Alex. "how long have you been a wizard" "since i was born" "and how old are you" "fourteen" "wow" "yeah" Oh, and there's another
clone attack. This catches everyone off guard, and Billy starts crying. Eifion kicks them in the spot-where-their-balls-should-be, and steals their money. This enfuriates them, and they stab Billy. Cool. Alex applies pressure to the wound, while Antony sucks the blood out. Oh, and Eifion's counting the money. *sigh*
"hey, taylor" "yeah, kevin" "wanna have anal" "i already have an anal" "oh, bugger" And, with that, Brandon hid in his own hat to avoid being fucked in the anal by a sex-crazed Kevin. Oh, this might take a while. So, while you wait, enjoy this delightful semi-paragraph on the formation of Blizzards. BLIZZARDS ARE FORMED BY THE PERCENTAGE OF OXYGEN AND GLUCOSE IN THE AIR, RESULTING IN A GIANT CREAMY MARSHMALLOW RAMPAGING THROUGH TOWN. YOU CAN TELL THE MARSHMALLOW IS CREAMY BECAUSE HE ATE ERIC CLAPTON. WITHOUT CLAPTON, HE WOULD ONLY BE A NORMAL GIANT MARSHMALLOW WITHOUT ANY CREAMY FILLING. THIS WOULD BE A BAD THING BECAUSE NO ONE WOULD TAKE HIM SERIOUSLY IF HE WASN'T CREAMY. WHAT WOULD HIS MOTHER THINK? PROBABLY SOMETHING NEGATIVE, LIKE HOW HE NEVER CALLS.
"hey, jake" "yeah" "you're not on fire" "thanks" Jake walked down the corridor, slying giant lizard
clones, and making their scales into a fine brooch for Julie. All the while,. Kurty was playing a rousing rendition of Gloria. Major-label corporate Rock sell-out, indeed. In a wall, Jake found a giant fucking ruby, which we used to re-direct the Sun's beams into the wall, causing it to explode and he found... A TREASURE CHEST! YAAAAAAAAY! Inside it was... Joey Cosentino ;-; "hey" "hey" "weren't you the one who killed me" "... i think i would remember something like that" "true" "well, it's been nice meeting you, stranger" "likewise" And with that, Jake closed the chest and skipped merrily away, stabbing Stevolizards.
"so, eifion" "shut up i'm counting the money" "o ok" ... ugh. I can't get anything done, can I? Well, here's more of that Blizzard essay (skipping ahead): WEATHER, WEATHER, WEATHER; HOW AMUSING. THIS WEATHER APPEARS TO SCIENTISTS TO BE OCCURRING FROM DECEMBER THROUGH MARCH. THIS IS MOST COMMON IN JANUARY AND FEBRUARY, SIMILAR TO WHEN I WIN THE LOTTERY. I WIN SOMETIME BETWEEN MONDAY AND TUESDAY MORNING, BUT I WIN MOST OFTEN AT NINE IN THE MORNING ON MONDAY.
"hey, anthony" "kevin" "wanna have anal" "i, much like taylor, already have an anal, thanks" "shit" *facepalm* I'M RUNNING OUT OF FUNNY THINGS I WROTE IN ESSAYS, DAMMIT. God, I'm gonna be forced to do karaoke next ;-; Oh, fuck it. I fucking quit. You assholes are good-for-nothing money-grubbers. ... wait, did I hear "raise"? In that case! Kevin ran off to get some butter, and Brandon came out of his hat, and ran to the motherfucking hills. These hills harboured a Jewish man with a hang-over, who immediately asked for some fucking mascara. Brandon gave it to him, and they skipped into a patch of nettles. Delicious.
"jake! jake! jake!" "what's up" "you're not on fire" "yay" Jake skipped down the hallway, killing
-related items, when he stumbled upon a man who was wearing a nametag that said "Ted". "i am the ghost of christmas past" "holy shit" "2007 was really fun" "yeah, i know" "cool" "hey, am i on fire" "no" "awesome" "well, see ya" "you too" And with that, he left. Oh, and a new ghost, with the nametag "Jeff" appeared. "hey, i'm the ghost of christmas present" "awesome!" "this last christmas was awesome" "fuck yes" "i liked the art" "thanks" "well, gotta go" "wait, am i on fire" "no" "oh, bye then" "bye" Then another ghost, this one young and dashing, with a nametag of "Dave" appeared. "hey dave" "hey dad" "wtf" "yeah, in the future, you and mom get hooked up and have me" "sweet" "yeah" "who's mom, btw" "um... i don't know her first name" "fuck" "but she's cute" "nice" "yeah" "you're lucky; you got to suck her fucking tits" "fuck yeah" "i love you, son" "i love you, too, dad" "hey, wanna join us on our journey" "fuck yes" "yay" "yay indeed" "am i on fire" "no, dad" "good"
"eifion, are you gonna be done soon" "no" "but you've counted it a million times" "so" "and you've rubbed it all over your genitals" "fuck yeah" With this, Eifion got up and ran to the fucking bank and ran into the vault, and swam in fucking money. This man is obsessed. If it were up to me, he'd be replaced by a Jewish dog that fights crime on weekends. His name is Chico!
"hey, jeff why am i in this dumpster" "my name's not jeff" "... fuck" And so Brandon and Jewish man were lying in a dumpster full of nettles. This made them extremely aroused, and Jewish man started fapping. Brandon started humping his hat. It was a grand occasion for all parties involved. Anthony and Taylor ran up, afraid of Kevin and his butter. They hid in the nettles, and waited for Kevin to pass before running into an underground bomb shelter full of... bombs. Then they took them and threw them at Kevin, who exploded.He was replaced by the Jewish man, and everyone skipped happily, until they found a reformed Kevin clutching a contract saying he will never get horny again. They let him cum along, and they skipped towards Wal-Mart.
"hey jake who's this" "this is my son" "you mean there's someone you're fucking" "no he's from the future" "... i see" "hey, you're not mom" "... sob sob sob" "wow this is unexpected" "i still love you, dad" "i still love you, too, son" "you're not on fire" "fantastic" With this, they walked into the local Shaws, and purchased some awesome fucking shit. Fuck yeah. They got a thousand raw t-bone steaks, which they coated the building with, welded together, and then dismanted the bricks as a prank. It was still standing, though, so it's all good. They then proceeded to use the bricks to build a brand new bridge leading from the top of Shaws to the dumpster as a prank. An employee came out and shook his fist at them, which was greeted by a chorus of middle fingers.
"eifion" "shut up" "eifion we need to have a word" "fuck off" "eifion eifion eifion" "go the fuck away" The rest of Team Eifion locked Eifion in the bank vault as a prank, and ran towards a group of chickens. These chickens tasted oddly like crude motor oil. They then proceeded to grab garden tools and start hitting cows with them. Then they rode the horses off towards a direction. But, on the way, they ran into Panic! At the Disco's career. "you should be in hell" "yeah, i know" "so why are you here" "god has a sick sense of humour" "amen to that" "lol yeah"
"hey billie jean" "hey lover" "wtf i'm not your lover" "yes you are the one" "no you're just a girl who claims that i am the one" "hey i have it on tape" Billie Jan produced a tape recorder that featured Brandon saying "i am the one". "bugger" Billie Jean hugged Brandon and started to lick him, much like one would lick a popsicle. Then the remaining non-Eifion part of Team Eifion came and greeted Team Brandon, merging to form Team Brandon. "hey where's eifion" "we ditched him" "cool" Just then, Eifion appeared next to them. "hey" "... i thought we locked you in that safe" "yeah, but i suffocated" "awesome" Then the skipped towards a random man with a cane, who started beating them up.
"hey, dad" "yeah" "you're not on fire" "fuck yes" "jake" "julie" "who is this lover of yours" "not billie jean" "rofl" "rofl" "seriously, though" "i don't have a lover" "then explain dave" "he's older than i am" "sure he is" "he fucking is" "i am" "i was born in '93, and dave was born in..." "... '16" "see you're older than him" "but it's 2008 and i'm fifteen, and he's..." "... twenty-six" "see" "yeah, right" "but i want you to know that..." "... save it" "okay one question, though" "no, you're not on fire" "thanks"
"eifion" "brandon" "we need to find jake" "no we don't" "why not" "because he takes all the glory for everything we do" "oh yeah" "i say we walk towards that random stop sign" "good idea" And so they did. "who're you" "i am david hasselhoff" "lolfag" "i know" "it's cool" "yeah" They walked off, and Hasselhoff started following them ;-; This creeped them out, so they strangled him with his own intestines. Intestinal strangulation is for winners.
"dad you're on fire!" "aaaaaaaaah" "i'll get the water!" "help me!" Dave dumped a bucket of water on Jake's head while Kurty played Louie Louie, and the fire went out! "i never want to go through that again" "me neither" "i'm cold" "do you want to hug me for warmth" "yes i would julie, you, too" And so the four hugged (Belt was there, too) while Kurty played Louie Louie. It was a gala occasion, Sharon. They hugged inside Mardens and they hugged inside Burger King. They hugged inside Fye and they hugged inside Univseral Studios in Orlando, Florida. Oh, then they went to Wal-Mart and saw the rest of the gang. Bugger.
"hey, son" "hey, dad you're not on fire" "thanks but that's not what i was going to say" "oh" "how are you here" "oh, yeah, i'm just something conjured up by Limbo to make you realise how fucking awesome you are" "fuck yeah" "that's why i'm so fucking sexy" "amen to that" After this little ego trip... "hey!" "hey eifion" "can i wear belt" "no" "why not" "you were the one who made RANDOM ERECTION SYNDROME kill him" "but he's my son" "he doesn't care" "fuck" And so they went for hours and hours until a manmad named Charles ran up and said that he wanted to have sex with Kevin. They proceeded to fuck, and were cheered on by the crowd.
"hey jake" "yeah" "you're not on fire" "why thank you, belt" "you're welcome, chum" They proceeded to walk towards a green area with a general vibe of diplomacy around it, where they were seperated again! Team Jake, from before, is one, and the rest were put in jail for unknown reasons. Probably because it's hard to write about twenty different people at once. I have no clue. I just write the stories, I don't think 'em up. Ah, well. Anyway, from now on, only Team Jake will be covered, 'cos they're actually cool.
"sob sob sob" "what's wrong, julie" "jake, you don't love me" "fuck off i fucking love you" "see" "... am i on fire again" "no" "fucking yes" And so they marched towards a giant fucking statue of Jimi Hendrix that was raped by the fucking pricks at Neversoft and Activision. Sensing that Hendrix would hate this monstrosity, they attempted to remove the Guitar Hero shit, but failed. So they destroyed the statue for the good of mankind. Then they were paraded around like the heroes they were! Until they were thrown into a giant hole in the ground, where they had to fight MoleStevos, and dig their way out. This wasn't good, 'cos none of them went to digging school and Belt had no arms. Bugger!
"jake" "yeah" "do you ever think we'll get out of here" "yes" "why" "soon we'll hit the bottom of the cloud like we did bef-" And at that, they fell through the cloud. This time, knowing what was going to happen, they played mid-air Go Fish. Fun! Oh, but they landed it the cloud version of PITTSBURGH ;-; They immediately started gagging and crying. Pittsburgh is the worst level of Limbo, and it shows. They immediately dug again and landed... ON EARTH. Except Kurty, who wasn't meant to be alive again, and was transported up to Limbo again. Oh, and everyone else fell back, except Billie Jean, Billy Dexter and Kevin. Ah, well. Then Taylor, Alex, Antony and Anthony said they wanted out of the party for safety reasons ;-; Now all we have left is Jake, Julie, Dave, Belt, Eifion and Brandon ;-; Actually, this makes this thing easier to write! Yay!
"hey wanna go into that castle" "sure why not" "hey am i on fire" "no" "yay" They entered the castle, and found some random dude sitting in a heap on the floor, passed out. "hey man" "aw leave me alone you know" "... sure" Then they murdered him because he was the closest thing to an uneventful final boss they had. Yay! Oh, and then they found a note that said "hey come do some more adventuring randomly", to whichthey all said "i'm game", and left, leaving the words "THE END." to crush the drunk's body.
Written and shit by Jake Adjutant. In one day, no less.