Jake Adjutant, Eifion Lewis, Brandon Lehman, Alex Hart, Taylor Maddox and Anthony Brevick had just defeated a fifteenth-rate villain (and lost their old weapons, and thus are using inferior technology), when, out of the blue, a blue fucker ran up and stole Brandon's fucking hat! Fuck! Brandon immediately broke down crying, and a random little girl ran up to him yelling "Mister! Mister! You look sad! Would you like my RANDOM ERECTION SYNDROME doll?". Jake quietly said "yes", and put it in Brandon's arms. Alex, Anthony and Taylor carried him out of the castle.
Outside, they found Antony Lusmore selling a little red wagon. They bought it, because, you know, it's easier than carrying the fucker. They gave Antony 100 gp, which he proceeded to eat. Then he offered to join the group, and they agreed, because they needed someone to pull the wagon. Then they walked half-a-mile, and found a
clone camp, where they were singing rousing verses of "My Name is
". Jake decided to slaughter them all for fun. He decapatated one and wore the head on a string around his neck, to be funny. They slept there for the night.
Inside one of the
tents, they found a Santa hat, which the gave to Brandon. This made him perk up and be of use. He dropped the RANDOM ERECTION SYNDROME doll on the ground, and Jake scooped it up, and put it in his inventory. Then Jake sat in the wagon, and had Antony pull him for lulz, and because Jake is a lazy bastard.
The party eventually stumbled upon a... party in the woods, with Eric Johnson caressing a bunch of dolphins. Jake jumped out of the wagon, and said "hi". Eric said "hi" back, and gave him a pile of shit. Jake, overjoyed by this, runs around in circles with it above his head before putting it in his inventory. Then he talks to Eric again, who pats him on the head, and points the party towards the showers. The party showers, and feel much better afterwards. They don't shower together, though. That would just be gay.
Back at the party scene, the... party sees Kevin Repp, former bandit. He begs to join the party, and offers to pull TWO wagons in addition to Antony's one. Brandon and Eifion hop in his wagons, and Jake hops in Antony's, and they're off.
Along the way, they stop in that old town they passes a while ago, and Shit ran over and fucking punched Eifion in the face, saying "he was hogging Jake's screen time", and gave Jake a kazoo and some bacon. The kazoo so he could summon her, presumably to sacrifice her to some God, for lulz, and the bacon 'cos he's skinny as hell. I mean, does he even eat?
Continuing through the town, they spot the old bank, and Brandon runs back in, and starts sexing the teller. And Eifion grabs yet another teller and yells for his fucking money. This gets him arrested, and everyone else except Brandon, who's too busy having sex, hatches a plan to save him.
At noon, the remaining heroes run towards the jail disguised as travelling Polka players, and immediately kill the guards and release Eifion. And then they strip naked, get Brandon and walk towards the kid's cabins area, where they threw Eifion into a crowd of orphans, where he "showed them his new magic trick".
Next, the dudes ran towards the forest, where they found a cabin, which they entered, and found a note, a jar of reproductive fluids, and a picture of Tom Scholz. The note read "Obligatory Appearance - Tom Scholz". The disregard this, and Eifion forced the reproductive fluids inside him. All in all, a boring cabin.
Then they came across an alter, where Jake called out Shit and dissected her to appeal to the God of Sex, who gave him another girl, only this one is actually humanely possible (i.e. her breasts aren't too heavy for ten men to lift, her hair isn't longer than the entire town's area multiplied by the square root of green). This one was instantly groped by Jake, and was smiling. Jake was super-happy to have a better girl, and shoved all 5'8" of her into his backpack, with just from her arms up sticking out. This allowed travel groping, and helpful advice to be achieved. Oh, and apparently she had a name; Julie. Nice. Also, a passage to the other side of the mountain they were on was opened, and they went through it, fighting a man named fuck! and obtaining the emblem of nice anal.
About sixteen seconds later, they used the emblem of nice anal to safely get past some canibalistic natives, and obtain their leader's staff, which makes whoever holds it able to summon a hundred native babies to cainbalize shit. Cool! Oh, but then they had to sacrifice Julie to the God of Monsterous Boners. Fuck. Another chick fell down from the heavens, and this one appeared to have AIDS. Jake sacrificed her to the God of His Stomach, and skipped merrily down the path into a nice little cave where they saw a plaque that says "Hey I'm Still Here - Tom Scholz", which Jake destroyed and fed to his pet goat, whom he just met. He then stabbed the goat in the groin and yelled at it to play dead. This revived Julie somehow, and they skipped back up the path where they were greeted by a chorus of "... what... the... fuck...", and were thrown down into a chasm where they (they meaning Jake) had to fight a million
clones, and once Jake finished, Julie and him were instantly drugged by Satan. *pant*
The Person of the Eternity Awards Show started burning to the ground. Jake grabbed Julie and ran for the roof, where he jumped off and landed on, and killed, a goose. After laughing maniacaly for a minute or two, Jake ran towards the nearest store to purchase a fucking Reeces Peanutbutter Cup. Such fucking incompetence. Julie ran to the bank and got Jake loads of money, which Eifion proceeded to beg for. Jake decided to rape Eifion's cat, and this made Julie start poledancing! This truely was the grestest day ever! Oh, but then Eifion raped Jake's PS2, and Jake had to mourn it's loss, IN SONG. They grabbed loads of instruments, and started playing their own brand of Glam-fusion.
After this, they were approached by Bruce Dickinson and thrown into a Queen + Paul Rodgers gig, where they saw yet another chest, which Kevin opened and got AIDS. This was cool, 'cos now him and Taylor could fuck eachother in the anal without any negative reprecussions! Yay! Brian May then proceeded to start up the opening chords of the band's latest hit single, "Negative Creep", and Paul started wailing on and on about being stoned or some shit. Nice. Jake proceeded to strip naked and streak through the audience, opening a portal to The Land of Unreleased Fall Out Boy B-Sides, which everyone, except Jake and Julie, fell into. The remaining sexy people proceeded to break into a giant tribute to the fallen, creatively entitled "FUCK THIS SHIT; I WANT A MOTHERFUCKING BURGER".
Inside TLOUFOBBS, everyone was instantly murdered, besides the non-Jake and Julie main characters, because they weren't inside TLOUFOBBS. They were then eaten by Pete Wentz, who used this power to gain access to the overworld and attempt to murder Jake, who proceeded to play The Timothy Lee Band records, which murdered Wentz through their awesome. It shat Taylor, Eifion and Brandon out, but the others were comsumed for sustinence. Nice. They all skipped around merrily until the screen got all shitty and they were shat out of a tube.
Wow, another jail. How fucking creative. Jake, Julie, Taylor, Brandon and Eifion were in a jail cell, forced to eat Alex, Kevin, Anthony and Antony for sustinence. They were then released by a
clone who wanted sex, and was murdered by being crushed between Julie's boobs. Jake took his sword and augmented it with Alex's bones. Yay! Stylish and effective! They got all their gear back and saw a man who looked strangely like Sebastian Bach. Following ol' Sebby, they found loads of food and shit, which they proceeded to eat. Yeah. A giant cum truck passed by, and they all had a good swim 'n' ride to a hut, where they met a friendly man selling what he called "villager pasta". Brandon murdered him for stealing his fucking recipe, and they had a good meal.
From here, they took their semen-coated bodies to a party, where they played loads of cool songs, until Jake was kicked out for telling the guy whose house it was to "fuck off and die" for suggesting Enter Sandman. Jake slaughtered him, and proceeded to smoke his intestines. Yum. This got a good laugh, and the five merrily skipped in a non-descript direction to a non-descript field with non-descript sheep, which were sheared to make nice coats for everyone. Yay! Oh, and there were
clone, too, which were used for jewelry and firewood. This burned down Cumnation's forest, and provided the party with a giant lawsuit.
In the court, Jake was convinced that "forests were overrated", and needed to be destroyed. The judge agreed and sentenced the lawsuiters to death, by getting fucked in the anal. Jake gladly performed these duties. The judge then gave him a gold star! Whee! Oh, and he kicked them into a giant castle. Cool.
Inside, they found a giant room with a giant throne, which belonged to Vaters. In a non-descript battle, he was killed and stuff. Lame. Oh, then Eifion spontaneously combusted for being too awesome, Jake spontaneously combusted because he has no originality, Julie killed herself because she was emo, Brandon's hat crushed him under its sheer weight, and Taylor's hair all fell out, leaving him with no Ginger Power, killing him.