A Thing Gaiden 19: The Mighty Helo Mam (2017)

CHAPTOUR ONE:
The Mighty Helo Mam sits outside the book store, where a long line of applicants stands, eagerly awaiting their opportunity to become his sidekick. "all right, miss who is a ghost; i am going to put you in a situation and see how you handle it" "all right" The Mighty Helo Mam presses a button, and a super villain emerges from underground. "HOLY INCORPOREAL INCANS HELO MAM!!! IT'S THE HAMHAWK!!! DO NOT WORRY; I WILL INCAPACITATE HIM WITH THESE TEAR GAS GRENADES!!!" Claire grabs a tear gas grenade from her utility belt and hucks it at The Hamhawk. An incorporeal mist spreads over the area, but The Hamhawk is unaffected. "WHAT WHY DIDN'T THAT WORK!!!" Claire stomps over to The Hamhawk, but is assaulted by her own ghostly tear gas. "MY EYES!!!"

CHAPTOUR TWO:
"all right, miss sophie and mr. shooty; i am going to put you in a situation and see how you handle it" "all right" The Mighty Helo Mam presses a button, and a super villain emerges from underground. "HOLY INCORRIGIBLE INCANS HELO MAM!!! IT'S THE LEG OF LAMB!!! DO NOT WORRY; I WILL PUT AN END TO HIS REIGN OF TERROR!!!" Sophia grabs Mr. Shooty and fires wildly at The Leg of Lamb, shooting him dead. "..." "speechless because of the great + efficient job we did right!!!"

CHAPTOUR THREE:
"all right, miss valerie; i am going to put you in a situation and see how you handle it" "a-all right" The Mighty Helo Mam presses a button, and a super villain emerges from underground. "H-HOLY I-INCOMPETENT INCANS H-HELO MAM!!! I-IT'S TH-THE SPARE RIB!!! I-I-I-I W-WILL G-GET THE P-POLICE!!!" Valerie runs off to get the police. "uh"

CHAPTOUR FOUR:
"all right, miss pixington; i am going to put you in a situation and see how you handle it" "all right" The Mighty Helo Mam presses a button, and a super villain emerges from underground. "HOLY INCOMPEHENSIBLE INCANS HELO MAM!!! IT'S THE RUMP ROAST!!! DO NOT WORRY; I WILL INCAPACITATE HIM WITH THIS GIANT EGG I FOUND EARLIER!!!" Amber leaps up into the air, and flies over The Rump Roast. "BOMBS AWAY!!!" Amber drops the egg from on high, but The Rump Roast dodges, and the egg splatters on the ground harmlessly. "..." "..." "well, that's all i got" Amber shrugs and flies home.

CHAPTOUR FIVE:
"all right, miss leadour; i am going to put you in a situation and see how you handle it" "all right" The Mighty Helo Mam presses a button, and a super villain emerges from underground. "HOLY INCREDULOUS INCANS HELO MAM!!!" "WHAT IS IT WITH YOU PEOPLE AND THE INCANS" "they're just the superior injun; the mayans can fuck RIGHT off" "what about the aztecs?" "oh ho ho don't even get me STARTED on those fuckers" "whatever; go on" "okay where was i; incans then uh right IT'S THE DRUMSTICK!!! DO NOT WORRY; I WILL WRITE HIM A STERNLY-WORDED LETTER SO HE WILL BE FORCED TO DESIST ALL CRIMINAL ACTIVITIES!!!" Resistance Leadour scribbles something down on a piece of paper. "wow ressie uh your handwriting is terrible" "wha-NO NO it just resists legibility!!!" "oh sorry my mistake" Resistance Leadour hands the piece of paper to The Drumstick. "what the fuck is this scribbling" "YOUR DEFEAT" Resistance Leadour connects with a viscious uppercut, knocking The Drumstick out cold. "..." "..." "all right you're hired" "i am resisting jubulations as we speak"
THE END