It's Just One Thing After Another (2014)

Mission 000: Prologue [N/A]
Jakey wakes up with a lampshade on his head, tied to a chair. "oh MAN that was some party last night" "GOOD you're awake!!!" A man in a grey suit snatches the lampshade off of Jakey's head. "hey wait this isn't the IHOP" "very perceptive, o prince of canada" "hey thanks i've always prided myself on being a good uh perception guy" "it shows; i bet you'll even see THIS coming" The man whacks Jakey over the head with a wooden plank. "ow" "my name is chuck; give me the diamonds or i will be forced to break more planks over your head!!!" Chuck steps aside to reveal a giantic stack of wooden planks. "where'd you get all those planks" "plankz Я us was having a sale; buy one at regular price, get one at regular price" "oh shit is that still going on" "yes the sale ends friday" "aw shit man gotta get me out to the store to buy some planks" Jakey's chair begins to hop all over the place in Jakey's excitement. "struggle as you may, you will never break that rope!!! it was mastercrafted by the finest underage craftsmen in all beijing!!!" "oh damn man could you untie me please i've got to go take advantage of the bargains!!!" Suddenly, a knife falls down and cuts the rope holding Jakey's left hand. "hey thanks" "WHO-" A furious kick comes out of the blue from a man wearing his trademark cowboy hat and his autographed 'Ron Paul 2012' t-shirt. "SHERIFF ANTONY have you heard about the deals too!!!" "yes; we must go take advantage of these sweet deals" Sheriff Antony lays down some surpressing fire as Jakey unties his other hand. Unfortunately, Sheriff Antony can only lay down six shots before he has to reload. This gives Chuck enough time to huck his gun straight into the air, hitting a button which causes a trapdoor to open underneath his feet. Chuck falls down into his speedboat and speeds off, giggling like a madman. "is he just going to leave his planks here" "DUDE let's load this shit up into the sheriff antonymobile!!!" "fuck yes"  Michelle rapels down the rope attached to the crow's nest of the ship. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/all of the stuff you have on your 'A Thing', 'Another Thing', 'Nothing', 'Anything', and 'OTLTA' save files/Sheriff Antony missions]

Mission 001: Long Armoire of the Law [Sheriff Antony]
"all right jakey i figured that this whole 'attacked twice a year' thing might become an actual thing, so it is a good job that i am prepared" A wall panel slides out to reveal a beautiful model with gigantic breasts. "YOU GOT ME BOOBS?! HOW DID YOU KNOW THAT'S WHAT I'VE ALWAYS WANTED" "uh it's not the woman it's the thing next to the woman" "oh there's a woman attached to the breasts? even better!!!" "piper could you please leave us you are distracting jakey from the important thing" "oh!!! can do!!!" Piper walks off, but Jakey's eyes continue to follow her footsteps even as her body exits his field of vision. "JAKEY FOCUS" "i am focusing" "fine i guess i'll just have to give this beautiful armoire to professor eif instead" "my house has too much furniture anyway" "come on man this is a magical armoire" "i'm sure it's very nice" Piper has stopped walking, but Jakey can still hear her humming a nice little tune to herself. Sheriff Antony grabs Jakey by his collar, walks him over to the armoire, and throws him in. "it's dark in here" "you said it jakey" Jakey is startled by Michelle's sudden vocalisation, and leaps up in panic, knocking the armoire over. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/armoire appears at safehouses/Professor Eif missions/Piper missions]

Mission 002: These Boots are Made for Walkin' [Sheriff Antony]
"jakey someone is making bootleg versions of chinese knock-off pornography films starring someone who vaguely resembles me and is named 'sheriff anemone'" "so are we going after the knockers or the bootleggers" "the chinese legal teams' power is far too great to target the knockers, so we'll have to settle for the bootleggers" "all right let's roll" Jakey and Sheriff Antony hop into The Motherfucker and drive to the unassuming boot shop, where Kathy sits behind the counter, throwing ping pong balls into boots. "wow holy shit you're our first customers since the invention of the work socks and sandals" "we're uh not here to shop" Kathy hangs her head. "it's in the back" Kathy goes back to hucking ping pong balls into all the boots along the walls while Jakey and Sheriff Antony enter the back room. The door to the back room says 'employees only'. A curtain hangs just past the doorway, with a small cardboard sign hanging from it which says 'no admittance past curtain'. Jakey heads past the curtain, and immediately trips over a woman. "WATCH WHERE YOU'RE GOING" "WELL DON'T SIT DOWN IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HALLWAY, OBSCURED BY A CURTAIN" "..." "..." "fair enough" "who in the world are you anyway" "my name is resistance leadour; i am here to resist the temptation to join the mastermind's scheme and make easy money by selling bootleg digital video discs" "are you also resisting the urge to use acronyms" "yes" "so do you know who is doing this thing" "no, i am also resisting the urge to peek behind the second curtain" Resistance Leadour motions to a second curtain, which also has a hanging sign which says 'seriously dude'. Jakey throws open the second curtain, and finds a mountain of DVDs. In front of the DVDs is a DVD printer and another mountain of empty cases. To the right of the room is a photocopier, presumably to print the slip covers for the DVDs. The slip covers 'mistakenly' printed the 'SHERIFF ANEMONE' too large, so it just says 'SHERIFF AN DOES DALLAS'. Printing the DVDs is none other than one Hishida Yuko. "why did you do it yuko" "increased exposure / for a childhood favourite / the world needs to know" Jakey is about to ask why she'd have a pornographic film as a childhood favourite, but then remembers that Yuko is Japanese. "we can't arrest her for that" "what yes we can-" "we CAN'T arrest her for that sheriff antony" "bu-" "resist the urge to get revenge!!!" "i-" "oh boy sheriff anemone!!! i loved this movie when i was seven!!!" Michelle grabs a copy of Sheriff Anemone Does Dallas. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Resistance Leadour missions]

Mission 003: The Obligatory Professor Eif Mission [Professor Eif]
"yo professor eif whats up" "i am playing with my collectible SCOOTER SQUAD action figures!!! this is SCOOTER BEIGE" "uh why do you have two of him" "what two of-THAT'S SCOOTER TAN YOU FUCKING IDIOT" "s-sorry" "i will forgive you for your ignorance THIS TIME; come and play so you can learn" Jakey picks up a figure off the floor. "okay i guess i'll be scooter black" "THAT'S NOT SCOOTER BLACK YOU FUCKING IMBECILE; IT'S A RARE FACTORY ERROR TOO-DARK SCOOTER BROWN" "..." "GOD I CAN'T PLAY WITH YOU YOU'RE A FUCKING IDIOT" Professor Eif snatches Scooter Brown from Jakey's hand, grabs all his action figures, and walks off. "YEAH WELL I'LL SHOW YOU I'LL uh LOOK UP THE HISTORY OF THE FIGURES ON THE INTERNET AND uh LEARN something; um COME ON MICHELLE" Jakey grabs Michelle under his arm and storms off. "where are we going; are you going to take me home"
[reward: respect +/Scooter Squad jacket]

Mission 004: The Breast Things in Life are Free [Piper]
Jakey knocks on Piper's door after finding her address in Sheriff Antony's address book. He is greeted by a genuinely enthusiastic Piper. It is especially notable that he notices the enthusiasm before the ample busom he had come to ogle. "hello!!! you're that guy!!! how's the armoire treating you!!!" "it is my favourite piece of furniture" "good!!! i'm glad to see it went to a good home!!! i liked it a lot too when i owned it but i had to get rid of it to make room for these statues!!!" Piper motions to a pair of golden statues. Both are five feet tall; one is a salt shaker and the other is a pepper shaker. They can easily be distinguished by the diamond S and P on their front. "uh" "they are so great beyond words i know!!! the best part is!!! they actually work!!!" Piper latches her arms around the salt shaker, and before Jakey can realise what is happening, he and Piper are waist-deep in salt. "it's so great isn't it!!!" "i don't have any words" "i felt the same way when i first experienced the saltiness!!! do not worry!!! you will find your words eventually!!!" Michelle pops out of the sea of salt. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/salt + pepper shaker t-shirt/salt + pepper shaker jacket]

Mission 005: Breast Into Service [Piper]
Jakey knocks on Piper's door, and is nearly knocked clean over when Piper whips the door open. "jakey!!! i am so glad to see you!!!" "i am glad to see you too" Jakey's eyes do not leave direct line-of-sight with Piper's breasts. "jakey i have found the final piece!!! to complete my collection!!!" "which collection; you have a lot of them" "the third piece after the salt and pepper shakers!!!" "a giant napkin dispenser?" "..." "..." "okay maybe not the FINAL piece" "what is it then" "a sugar dispenser!!! it sits at a whopping eight feet tall!!!" "sounds like it would also make a good time-out zone for naughty children" "well uh you'd have to empty it of the sugar first and that would kind of defeat the purpose of having such a thing; also my only child is already an adult!!!" "so anyway where is it" "deep underground within the tomb of elizabeth bathory!!!" "..." "i assume by your silence that you know who that is" "i was just deciding whether or not i should leave a will, and then whether or not it would be considered a suicide note" "i'm sure you'll be all right!!! it's not like vampires like actually exist!!!" "oh piper; sweet, sweet, ignorant piper; just promise me you'll take care of scraps if i don't return" Jakey makes a cross motion on his chest, then hops into The Motherfucker, heading for Elizabeth Bathory's tomb. "siri write me a will" "right away sir!!!" Jakey's phone begins to write out a will, leaving all his best shit to his sister. An autographed portrait will be handed out to each of Jakey's friends, with a personalised inscription he'd written the day they met. His closet is full of them. Eventually, Jakey reaches the tomb. "welp it was nice knowing me" Trembling, Jakey opens the door to find Elizabeth Bathory and Gwendolyn having a tea party. Instead of being steeped in water, as is the usual tradition with tea, it has been steeped in blood. "oh hello jakey what brings you to this neck of the graveyard" "a uh giant sugar dispenser made of real gold" "oh you're the guy" Elizabeth Bathory motions for Jakey to come in and take the sugar dispenser away. "i've wanted to get rid of this thing for ages; glad i finally found some crazy lady to take it off my hands" "oh uh thanks" "don't mention it; do you need help getting it out to your vehicle" "n-no i'll be fine" "join us for blood sometime!!!" "uh y-yeah" Jakey loads the sugar dispenser into The Motherfucker and peels out for Piper's house. Once there, he brings it inside and receives a suffocating bear hug. "now to give you a little sugar!!!" Piper pours out some sugar onto Jakey from her new dispenser. "you are getting way too much enjoyment out of this" "i think you are getting way too little!!!" Michelle pops up from under the sugar. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Gwendolyn missions]

Mission 006: Breasted Interest [Piper]
Jakey knocks on Piper's door, and braces himself so he isn't knocked over when the door is swung open wildly. "jakey!!! i have found the final piece!!!" "the golden silverware?" "would it really be SILVERware if it's made of gold?" "saying 'goldenware' does not effectively convey what i mean to convey" "fair enough" "so was it the golden platter or" "the napkin holder jakey!!! the NAPKIN HOLDER!!!" "are the napkins made of gold as well" "what no that would just be silly how would you wipe your face with a metal napkin; they're just normal napkins only like a thousand times bigger!!!" "okay so where is this thing; what ancient horrors do i have to confront to acquire this item for you i'm ready i'm ready" Jakey begins bouncing in place and punching at the air. "the tomb of the ancient mojavistanian pharaoh!!!" "like, mummies and shit?" "yes!!! they used the giant napkins to create the mummies' bandages!!!" "makes sense i suppose; guess i'm off to the pyramids" "good luck!!!" Jakey waves and hops into The Motherfucker, then drives down to the pyramids of Mojavistan. "HELLO AND WELCOME TO THE LEGENDARY PYRAMIDS OF-oh it's just you" Kathy returns to her magazine. "which pyramid is the tomb of the pharaoh" "they all are tombs of different pharaohs you're going to have to be more specific" "the uh ancient pharaoh" Kathy frowns intensely. Jakey thinks for a moment, and tries to ask his next question without informing Kathy of the golden nature of the napkin holder, as Jews cannot be trusted around gold. "okay let me try this a bit differently: are there any tombs of ancient pharaohs that have gigantic napkin holders in them" Kathy sighs and looks in her directory. "..." "..." "yes" Kathy points to the largest pyramid on the horizon. "question: why do you want this thing" "i uh have to blow my nose like REAL BAD" "..." "..." "fair enough" Jakey quickly heads for the pyramid, hoping to get the napkin holder out before Kathy realises what it really is. "ah there it is; now to steal it and hopefully NOT obtain the curse of the pharaoh" Jakey grabs the napkin holder and immediately throws up. The barfing ceases when Jakey sets it down. "huh that was weird i guess i shouldn't have eaten all that chinese food" Jakey grabs the napkin holder again and begins to throw up immediately. Understanding his situation now, Jakey soldiers through it as he heads back to The Motherfucker. Hearing Jakey's horrible wretching, Kathy does not turn around to notice the golden artefact a hundred feet away. Jakey sets the napkin holder into The Motherfucker, which immediately begins leaking oil. "come on we got this" Jakey and The Motherfucker power their way to Piper's house. Jakey grabs the napkin holder and drags it into Piper's house, throwing up all the while. "jakey!!! you forgot to sing the magic song to uncurse the napkin holder!!!" "the what" "all you had to do was sing the ancient lyrics and do the ancient dance and you wouldn't throw up everytime you touched it!!!" "i wasn't aware of this song" "r-really?! i thought it was common knowledge!!!" Piper gets into place and begins to sing the song. "i'm a little teapot short and stout!!! here is my handle here is my spout!!! when i get all steamed up, tip me over and pour me out!!!" A magical glow engulfs the napkin holder, and Piper places her hands all over it to no ill effects. "i'll be damned" "not any more you won't!!!" "jakey you doof we practiced that song all the time as kids how could you not remember that!!!" Michelle mimes the little dance. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/little teapot t-shirt/vague relationship with Piper]

Mission 007: Hey Soul Sister; Ain't That Mister Mister on the Radio (Stereo) [Resistance Leadour]
"jakey i am glad you are here; i am about to resist the injuries that would normally result from having a professional wrestler suplex me and i could use a spotter, since my cousin spottour is out sick" "okay so i assume you've already sisted the injuries at least once" "... what" Jakey looks at Resistance Leadour, puzzled. "how can you REsist if you never SISTED the first time!!!" Resistance Leadour raises her finger to protest, but soon realises that Jakey is right, as much as she may try to resist that fact. Thinking quickly, Resistance Leadour pipes up. "UH i am trying to resist sisting so i just skip straight to the resisting" "..." "..." "fair enough" Resistance Leadour resists the urge to wipe the sweat off her brow, and gets into position. "okay we're ready!!!" Hulk Hogan crashes through the doorway and suplexes Resistance Leadour. "what that's it? no screaming? no famous lines? not even saying 'brother'?" "nah" Jakey begins to sweat, and when he wipes said sweat off of his brow, Resistance Leadour is filled with immense self-satisfaction. Michelle then runs in and suplexes Hulk Hogan. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Hulk Hogan t-shirt]

Mission 008: The Way You Move Ain't Fair, You Know [Resistance Leadour]
"jakey i have received word of an attempt on my high score on the wrestlemania 20XX arcade cabinet!!! i must go to the arcade and resist this attempt!!!" "yes, let us make haste" Jakey and Resistance Leadour hop into The Motherfucker and drive off for the local arcade, where King Bran stands at the Wrestlemania 20XX arcade machine, a short way into the game. Emelyn stands by, wiping King Bran's brow as he needs it, and supplying him with hydration, for topping Resistance Leadour's score is a long, arduous task. Without the ability to resist dehydration like Resistance Leadour, a competitor would certainly need a second party helping them keep alive. Whereas Resistance Leadour played the game as Neo Hulk Hogan, King Bran has decided to play as Neo Andre the Giant. He had considered going for the disrespect by playing as a meme wrestler, such as Neo John Cena, but decided against it, opting instead to honour the late Andre the Giant by using his Neo form to achieve the highest score possible. Resistance Leadour and Jakey push their way through the crowd, and Resistance Leadour sits down next to the arcade machine, cross-legged. She channels all of her energy into resisting King Bran's attempt to knock her off the top spot on this arcade machine. Hours pass as King Bran wrestles his way to second place on the leaderboard. He rapidly approaches the top spot, when, suddenly, the power flickers for just long enough to reset the machine. The high scores are hard-saved into the game after it's over using the latest technology, so while Resistance Leadour's score is safe, King Bran's is nowhere to be found. "WHAT THE FUCKING SHIT FUCK ASS YOU FUCKING SHIT I WAS ALMOST THERE YOU FUCK" King Bran stomps up to Arcade Ownour and drags him off to the gallows. "WHAT NO IT'S NOT MY FAULT IT WAS JUST-HELP HELP" "i did it!!!" "aren't you sad that your cousin is about to be executed?" "nah human lives come and go but high scores like THAT (and the glory associated with them) last forever" "word" Michelle ducks behind the counter and steals all the tokens from behind the register, ready to play every game multiple times. First, however, she has important business to take care of. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Wrestlemania 20XX t-shirt/King Bran missions/Emelyn missions]

Mission 009: Hey, Soul Sister; I Don't Wanna Miss a Single Thing You do Tonight [Resistance Leadour]
"so hey ressie you seem to always be flying solo on these resistance missions but your name implies you're supposed to LEAD resistance movements, which requires, you know, other people; why is this" "oh well most large resistance movements are against, like, corrupt governments or something but we don't have any of those since the cataclysm so i just kind of train my resistance skills in case of emergencies" "such as?" "well this one time i was carrying a lot of heavy boxes of my important resistance files and i walked too close to the doorframe and my little toe got caught on it and bent way to the side and it REALLY hurt like really bad you know? but i stayed strong and resisted the urge to call my mommy to come and kiss it to make it feel better AND i only cried for ten minutes" "that sounds really useful actually; that sort of thing used to happen to me all the time before i got the instant healing powers" "must be nice" "i can't complain" "LOOK WHAT I CAN DO" Michelle kicks the wall as hard as she can, breaking all of her toes. "must you do this every week" "yes" Jakey sighs and bleeds on her broken toes to fix them. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/file folder t-shirt]

Mission 010: I Gave You Blood, Blood; Gallons of the Stuff [Gwendolyn]
"jakey i am glad you're here; today the red cross is holding a blood drive" "i'm not sure i should donate, given what my blood actually is" "your ignorance is almost cute; now listen up: gallons upon gallons of delicious blood are being harvested and taken by motorised vehicle from the drive location to the processing facility here" Gwendolyn points to a large building on a map. "now, smartly, the red cross does its blood runs in the DAYTIME, so no vampires can hijack the truck; HOWEVER, YOU are bound by no such restriction!!! i need you to hijack this vehicle and bring it to me so that i may feast upon its bounty" "but what about all the people who will die if they do not get the blood for transplants and such" "jakey we all know blood drives are a scam; if the doctors were so concerned about saving lives, they'd give the patients their OWN blood" "good point" Jakey hops into The Motherfucker and drives off to intercept the truck. Jakey makes sure to put on a mask before hijacking the truck, however. "ALL RIGHT STICK 'EM UP" "OH MY GOD A REVERSE CENTAUR" The cute truckdriver runs off in terror, not wanting to anger the reverse centaurs. Jakey can't see that the girl is actually cute, however, because his mask obscures his vision. "that was easy" Jakey hooks up The Motherfucker's winch to the truck and tows it back to the secret underground parking garage below the old Everhart manor. "and they said i was foolish when i spent most of my family's fortune on this secret underground parking garage rather than fixing up the decrepit manor pfft" Gwendolyn opens up the back of the truck to see Michelle splashing around in a kiddie pool full of blood. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/red cross t-shirt]

Mission 011: I Gave You All That You Can Drink, and it Has Never Been Enough [Gwendolyn]
"jakey the red cross placed a tracking device on the side of the truck, which was disguised as their logo" "devious" "now the holy crusaders of the red cross are coming to retrieve their blood and slay the vampire (me)" "all right you go hide out in the truck and drink a bunch of blood or play gameboy or whatever it is you do, and i will defend you with my very life if need be" "sweet!!!" Gwendolyn pulls her GameBoy Advance out of her pocket and hops into the back of the truck, ready to defeat Blaine and claim her sixth gym badge. "you know the worst thing about this game? the character limit on player names; seven characters isn't enough at all" "i can't say i've ever run into that problem" Gwendolyn glares at Jakey from the back of the truck before shutting the door. As she loads up the file she'd had to resign to calling 'GWEN', the holy knights of the Red Cross blow the door to the garage. "all right; let's get this shit started" Jakey pulls out his gun. "WOAH DUDE THAT'S NOT FAIR" "YEAH WE'VE ONLY GOT SWORDS AND CROSSES AND HOLY WATER AND TWO OF THOSE WON'T EVEN AFFECT YOU" "oh yeah sorry" Jakey puts away his gun, and unsheathes a legendary blade passed down by his ancestors. The blade is golden in hue, and shaped like a lightning bolt. Three brilliant topazes are laid into the handguard, and two tassels of green dangle from the bottom of the handle. "I'M NOT SURE IF THE ODDS ARE NOW BETTER OR WORSE" "only one way to find out" The army of crusaders charges straight at Jakey, swords raised and ready to strike. However, their swords are not magical, and Jakey gets extended range from the lightning that pours forth from the end of his sword. The battle lasts less than two minutes, and the blood of Jakey's slain foes flows into a special drainage system, and collects in a special machine that separates blood molecules by blood type. Soon, Gwendolyn will have even more blood upon which to feast. "man i should use this legendary sword thing more often" Jakey opens up the back door of the truck. "it's over" "oh good timing; i just defeated blaine and got poliwhirl to level 35" Gwendolyn uses a water stone on Poliwhirl, saves the game, and inspects the warehouse. "i'll have to get someone in here to clean up when the blood's done draining, but you did good work" Gwendolyn hands Jakey a thank you note, which also contains a small drawing of Gwendolyn drinking blood from a wine glass. "cute" "thanks i worked all night on it" Michelle kicks the corpse of one of the crusaders. "take me home"
[reward: respect+/Red Cross crusader armour]

Mission 012: Grab a Glass Because There's Going to be a Flood [Gwendolyn]
"jakey hey; i just wanted to thank you for all the blood you got for me; i know i can't just like share it with you because you're one of those 'human' things but i still wanted to get you a little something for all you've done" "oh wow i love things" Gwendolyn hands Jakey a small box that's much wider than it is tall or deep. Jakey takes off the top of the box to reveal a piece of paper all rolled up. "another thank you note?" "nah" Jakey carefully unrolls the old piece of parchment. "this is the deed to everhart manor" "yes" "the manor that's right above us, right now" "yes" "the manor that has been wrecked and abandonned for hundreds of years now" "yes" "you realise that this isn't so much a generous gift as a project, right?" "yes" "welp i guess i'll call up the construction company and refurbish the manor; i've been needing a better place to entertain anyway" "i knew you'd accept it" "you've been trying to pawn this off on people for centuries haven't you" "yes" Just then, Michelle falls through the floor of the manor into the underground parking garage. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Construction Candice missions]

Mission 013: The Song of My People [King Bran]
"jakey my kingly approval rating has been falling lately so i've been working on a new patriotic song to win the hearts and minds of the alabamanian people" "oh sweet lay some lyrics on me my man" "all right here's the chorus: 'sweet home alabama, where the skies are so blue; sweet home alabama, lord i'm comin' home to you'" "uh i like it a lot but it's already been done" "WHAT" "it's uh on the radio all the time dude" "i swear to god this is the work of time-travellers taking my idea, going back in time with it, and being super-successful" "i um can't disprove that theory" "BRING ME THEIR HEADS" "well um unfortunately almost the entire band died in a tragic plane crash like forty years ago" King Bran knocks a vase off of a pedestal. "oh, they're good, but I AM BETTER" "uh-" "EMELYN CALL UP THE MINISTER OF TIME TRAVEL" "but he could be anywhen!!!" "dammit failed again by my own staff!!!" "should i call up the ministress of relaxing bubbly baths?" "YES, ON THE DOUBLE" Before Emelyn can even take one step, the ministress of relaxing bubbly baths races at King Bran and hucks him into a pre-filled bubbly bath. Her work done, Michelle dusts off her hands and turns to Jakey. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Lynyrd Skynyrd t-shirt]

Mission 014: Conical Ice Cream-Holding Device [King Bran]
"jakey i have abandonned my plan to write the next great patriotic song after emelyn told me my last three attempts were, in order: yankee doodle, stairway to heaven, and the theme from mighty morphin' power rangers" "yankee doodle's been falling on hard times lately; you could probably just buy off the rights to say you wrote his song" "nah, my new plan is absolutely flawless; i will give away free ice cream to people under the king bran name" "i like this idea (assuming i get some ice cream)" "the trucks are patrolling now as we speak" Without hesitation, Jakey sprints out of the castle and spots an ice cream truck. "yesssss" Jakey rushes up to the ice cream truck. "black raspberry please" "sorry kid we're fresh out" "uh cake batter then?" "no i meant we're out of ice cream, full stop; a bunch of citizens already got here first" "aw man" Jakey turns around and kicks a pebble into the side of a building. Jakey mopes off, and bumps into the back of a line. "hey watch it kid" "uh sorry what's the line for" "ice cream; some lady is selling a lot of ice cream since all the trucks are empty" Jakey stands on tip-toe and peers over the crowd to see Kathy selling all the ice cream she'd gotten from the trucks. As Kathy hands out ice cream cones in exchange for money, she begins to sing a little song to herself. "money money money sweeter than the honey money money money makes my life feel sunny" Jakey returns to the castle's throne room. "finished your free ice cream already?" "i didn't get any ice cream; your plan backfired" "WHAT" "kathy took all the free ice cream and is currently price-gouging people for it" "how would the people react if i went out there, killed kathy, and handed out all the ice cream for free" "they'd probably be afraid of you doing that to other business owners" "what if i merely broke a few of her limbs" "same thing would happen" "dammit; i'll have to abandon this plan" King Bran slumps down on his throne and begins concocting another scheme. Meanwhile, Michelle runs up to Jakey and hands him one of her ice cream cones. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/ice cream jacket]

Mission 015: Catastrophe Strikes [King Bran]
"jakey what do people love more than music and ice cream combined" "uh cat videos on the internet?" "yes!!! except this time, instead of just having a video of a cute little kitten, they will have THE ACTUAL KITTEN" King Bran pulls a giant sheet off of a mountain of kittens in travel crates. "dude what-" "there are enough kittens here for EVERYONE in alabama!!! (except for the people who are allergic to cats who will instead receive $50 giftcards to king bran's surf 'n' turf and chinese buffet)" Seeing the gift card in King Bran's hand, Jakey's mouth begins to water at the idea of having a free meal for him and a waifu at such an amazing restaurant. "uh dude i am totally alergic to cats" "i don't believe you but because we have history i am willing to give you a gift card anyway" King Bran hands Jakey the gift card, and he rushes off to call a waifu of his choice for a delicious meal together. "hmmm let's see; claire is a ghost so she can't eat human food or even touch it at all, so should i call grace? maybe the great cheryl? oh and i'm sure kathy would love a free meal; plus, emelyn must need a good meal after undoubtedly rounding up all those kittens for king bran" As Jakey mulls over his options, King Bran ties all of the kitten-carriers to balloons, which fly away on the wind to loving homes. Everyone loves their new kittens or free 50 Alabama Fun Bux worth of food, and King Bran's approval rating soars. As Jakey leaves the restaurant with his date, Michelle rushes out of the restaurant with an armful of beef teriyaki. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Claire Who is a Ghost missions/Special Agent Grace missions/The Great Cheryl missions]

Mission 016: Brilliance at Work [Emelyn]
"jakey hey can you help me get into this room here; i think king bran tried to make some food-related substance in here and ended up making a mess" "why would he lock the door then? cleaning up his messes is your job" "well last time i saw one of his attempts to make 'food', i got upset and yelled a lot so he probably thought if i never saw it he wouldn't have to hear it" "that man is a genius" "i thought so too until i realised i have to get in there to make dinner" "can't you just get takeout?" "i promised the king i'd make him some of my special waffle casserole" "what did you just say" "waffle casserole?" "okay i'm sure i've misheard you twice; you didn't just say 'waffle casserole' did you" "i did" "how does THAT work" "the recipe is a FAMILY SECRET but basically it's just fine canadian maple syrup mixed with powdered sugar and smothered over pre-cut eggo waffles that i baked instead of toasting them" "your secret family recipe's main ingredient is eggo waffles?" "well it's not like we only have one secret family recipe!!! some of our recipes have delicious red baron frozen pepperoni pizzas as the main ingredient!!!" "what do you do to those" "add more meats and sometimes cheeses" "don't worry miss emelyn; your secret is safe with me" "sure; anyway a little help?" "oh yeah" Jakey clears his throat, then yells at the door, hands outstretched. "OPEN SESAME" The door swings open on command. "..." "..." "HOW DID YOU DO THAT" "moving my arms vertically to be perpendicular to my body and vibrating my vocal chords in such a way to utter the magic words" "..." "..." "oh wow i never would have thought of that" Emelyn thrusts her arms to her sides in confusion at Jakey's obtuseness. "yeah it's kind of one of those things you need to buy the strategy guide for" Jakey holds up a copy of the Prima Games official strategy guide for King Bran's castle. Emelyn just stares at Jakey, unable to think of anything at all to say. "FINALLY I'VE BEEN IN THERE FOR WEEKS" Michelle crawls out of the kitchen on her stomach, covered in ice cream. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Prima Games t-shirt]

Mission 017: The Write Stuff [Emelyn]
"jakey i am working on the great alabamanian novel" "bold claim out of the gate" "yes but i am confident everyone will read and love this book" "what's it about" "oh it's a completely original composition!!! it is about a young maid and in-depth descriptions of all the messes she has to clean up!!!" "to be honest, when you said 'completely original' i was thinking you were just going to rewrite to kill a mockingbird or something; that probably would have been a better idea now that i think about it" "i knew you were an uncultured boor; just you wait this novel will be a new kathy times best seller for years on end" "what? are you going to bribe kathy to put it there?" "hilarious; i bet you worked on that one for hours" "and it was still more enjoyable than anything in that novel you're working on" "yeah i imagine it must be pretty hard to enjoy a novel like this one when you're illiterate" "well!!! i... uh... fuck" "thanks for playing; here's your consolation prize" Emelyn grabs Michelle by the collar and presents her to Jakey. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Michelle t-shirt]

Mission 018: Mind Your Manors [Construction Candice]
"all right jakey i've surveyed the property you wish to restore and uh i've got bad news" "that is my least favourite kind of news" "while the manor can be restored, we can't do anything until all the ghosts, vampires, and goblins are out of there" "GOBLINS?!" "they might have been orcs; i'm not too up on my green creatures, as i rarely do business in mojavistan, where they are far more prevalent" "stay here; i'm going to go in" "don't do it you're so young etc." "thanks for the support" Jakey delves into the ruined manor, and is immediately accosted by a ghost. "OoOoOoOoOo LeAvE nOw Or ElSe-" "yawn" Jakey walks over to the basement, ignoring the ghost. "HoW rUdE" Jakey opens the door, and finds a group of vampires playing cards. "got any threes" "go fish" Jakey brandishes a vial of holy water. "all right guys show's over; you'll have to play cards somewhere else" "aw man" The vampires turn into a swarm of bats and fly out of the manor. Jakey then smashes the emergency glass and takes the emergency exorcism kit out of the glass. "AW SHIT HE'S GONNA DO IT" "SCATTER" The ghosts fly out of the manor as quickly as possible. "that just leaves the goblins or possibly orcs" "mmff mmff MFFF" "that sounded like a woman; candice didn't mention any women" Jakey's cautiously goes down into the basement and finds a green woman bound and gagged on the floor. "mmff" "oh right gotcha" Jakey unties the woman, taking care not to bend her body in ways it wasn't meant to be bent. "oh jesus thank you i was starting to cramp up something fierce" "why were you all tied up anyway" "well the vampires were playing cards; the winner would get to ask me out on a date" "uh why were you tied up for that" "they 'thought it would be funny'" "i guess you had to have been there" "mmm" "so uh miss lady have you seen any goblins and/or orcs around; i'd like to ask them politely to leave" "last i knew, i was the only orc here" "oh good; ahem: would you please leave my manor with me on a date" "smooth" Jakey and the lady exit the manor, and Candice immediately begins to fix it. Candice flies around the manor, hammering at it with unrivaled intensity. "all right, here's my number; my back hurts so i'll have to lie down a bit before any rigourous dating activities commence" "got it; thanks for your cooperation" The lady waves as she wanders off. Jakey looks down at the number, and takes out his checklist. "another one gone" Jakey checks 'orc' off of his 'to-date' list as Candice finishes work on the manor. "that was fast" "i pride myself on efficiency!!! i also installed an in-ground pool out back as a bonus" "that will come in handy if i ever forsake years of jakey tradition and learn how to swim" "CANNONBALL" Michelle leaps off the high-dive into the pool, tucking herself into a ball. Luckily, she is wearing her water wings so she can float and not drown and die. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Everhart Manor property/Olivia missions]

Mission 019: Exorcise Craze [Construction Candice]
"hey jakey since you did such a great job at exorcising that manor, i was thinking maybe you could help me with another home i have to remodel" "all right, but i'm hardly the foremost expert on exorcism" "don't worry about it" Jakey and Candice hop into The Motherfucker and head down to the building site. "OH THANK GOD YOU'RE HERE; THEY'RE IN THE HOUSE RIGHT NOW" Deputy Orange motions toward his house. "THEY JUST APPEARED ONE DAY!!! MY HOUSE IS INFESTED WITH THEM!!!" "we'll take it from here deputy" Deputy Orange takes cover behind The Motherfucker as Jakey and Candice head into the house. "oh god it's worse than i'd thought" Jakey stares confused at the jungle of exercise equipment cluttering Deputy Orange's house. "i didn't know deputy orange was so into exercise" "he isn't; we were sent here to remove the exercise equipment from his home" "i thought you said i had to exorcise something?" "yeah; look at all the EXERCISE equipment" "..." "..." "goddammit" Jakey and Candice move the equipment out of the house, piece by piece, and light it on fire so its evil will never bother another citizen of Alabama. "uh jakey we missed a piece" "oh no" Jakey walks into the room and stops, dumbfounded. He sees Michelle sprinting on a max-speed treadmill, sweat and tears streaming down her face as she sprints for dear life. Jakey walks over and turns off the machine, causing Michelle to sprint right into the front of the machine and fall over. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/BOWFLEX t-shirt/Deputy Orange missions]

Mission 020: Give Me a Ticket for an Aeroplane [Claire Who is a Ghost]
"jakey do you hate me" "not last i checked, no" "then why do you keep sending me letters you KNOW i can't open" Claire points to a pile of letters on the floor, with Jakey's address as the return address. Jakey picks up a letter and inspects it. The delivery and return addresses are written in letters cut out of magazines. "this isn't my handwriting" "no shit" Jakey opens a letter and finds a note written in the same fashion. "'iF you eVEr wANt TO SEE youR PRecIOuS GHosT DoG agAIn, lEAvE 10 THOusaND ghOsT doLLaRs uNDer tHe GHosT benCh in THe pARk on SUNdaY aT 3:30 pM'" "OH NO THEY HAVE NORBERT" "you didn't realise norbert was missing?" "well uh he likes to hide a lot and since he's a ghost dog he doesn't need food or anything so i just kind of let him do as he does" "um okay; well it's sunday today and uh it's already 3:25" "SHIT" Claire runs over to her ghost safe and pulls out ten thousand ghost dollars. "you're really going to give into his demands?" "I DON'T WANT NORBERT TO GET EXORCISED" "listen, if he was able to kidnap your ghost dog, he must be a ghost himself" "makes sense" "if a ghost were to perform an exorcism, they'd BOTH be exorcised" "but what if he gets a priest to do it?" "the priest would exorcise both of them for the good of god" "but wait how would the ghost write the letters" "..." "..." "let's uh go to the park then" "right behind you" Jakey and Claire run to the park, and place the ten thousand ghost dollars underneath the ghost bench just as the clock strikes 3:30. "what now" "we wait" A couple of minutes pass, and suddenly, Norbert runs up and tackles Claire to the ground, licking her face. "NORBERT!!!" Claire pets and hugs her ghost dog while Jakey looks in the direction Norbert came from. "yo obnoxious celtic guardian what's up my nigga" "hello jakey; i was the one who 'kidnapped' norbert" "what why also: how" "norbert was my obnoxious celtic dog and obnoxious celtic companion; he died bravely on the obnoxious celtic battlefield and became an obnoxious celtic ghost dog; i had to test his new obnoxious celtic owner to see if she was worthy of him" "oh uh" "did i pass?!" Obnoxious Celtic Guardian nods his head. "oh boy oh" "i'd give you back your obnoxious celtic ghost dollars but uh i can't pick them up" "don't worry about it" Michelle walks up to the group and attempts to pet the cute ghost dog, but puts her hand through him instead. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/ghost dog t-shirt/Obnoxious Celtic Guardian missions]

Mission 021: I Ain't Got Time to Take No Fast Train [Claire Who is a Ghost]
"jakey the greatest ghosts in history are in town tonight!!!" "uh casper?" Claire stares at Jakey blankly, not knowing how to respond to his answer. "so uh jakey are you retarded or just memeing" "uh definitely the latter" "tonight, the GRIM GRINNING GHOSTS are coming to town!!!" "odd; the new kathy times didn't mention it" "well obviously; all ghost-related happenings are kept in her ghostly magazine, ectokathy" Claire holds up a ghostly magazine. "this is my favourite magazine, as it is the only one i can read without help from a corporeal being" "what about casperbeat; the magazine for hip young ghosts and ghouls" "let me rephrase: the only magazine i can read that isn't complete and utter shit" "fair enough" "now, the g.g.g. are coming in via ghost train in about fifteen minutes and i want to be there to get their autographs" "it says here that they're just going to be passing through, waving to the crowd as they pass" "that is where you come in; i need you to help me get onto that train so i can accost them; then i might need to have you bail me out of ghost jail" "so do you have a plan or is that on me" "it's all you jakey!!! make me proud!!!" "ho boy" Jakey and Claire head out for Ghost Cannonz Я Us, where Shopkeepour stands behind the ghost counter, chewing a stick of Big Red chewing gum. "how can i help you folks" Shopkeepour attempts to lean on the ghost counter, but falls straight through it onto his face. Jakey and Claire both attempt to stifle a laugh, but Claire is less than successful. "yeah yeah whatever; are you going to buy something or not" "we'd like a ghost cannon with good accuracy" "oh man then you want the ECTO-666 polteriser 3000" Shopkeepour attempts to pat the cannon, but his hand goes straight through it. Claire can't help but laugh at him. "WE NEVER TRAINED FOR SELLING INCORPOREAL ITEMS AT SHOPKEEPING SCHOOL OKAY" "we'll take it" "okay, that will be 10000 ghost dollars" "jakey pay the man" "what i can't even hold ghost dollars" "wow very chivalrous of you m8" Claire hands Shopkeepour the money, and wheels the ghost cannon outside. "it also comes with a free ghost helmet; i'd hand it to you but i can't actually hold it" "on it" Claire jogs back in, grabs her helmet, and puts it on. Meanwhile, Jakey stares at the open ghost cannon instruction manual on the floor. "all right so according to this instruction manual, you aim, light the fuse, and hop inside" "how do i know if i'll hit the train?" "better start praying" "sigh" Claire lines up the cannon to the best of her ability, lights the fuse, and hops inside. Soon, she is shot out like a cannonball (which is appropriate, as she was fired from a cannon), and she soars through the air, eventually crashing right onto the ghost train next to the Grim Grinning Ghosts. "YESSSSSS" Claire dusts herself off and holds out her autograph book. "please sign this for me" The Grim Grinning Ghosts look amongst eachother, then do as they're told. They hand the book back to Claire just before the ghostly security guard hucks her off the train. "I DID IT" Meanwhile, Michelle tries to hop into the cannon, but hits the hard ground instead. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/ghost cannon jacket]

Mission 022: Two Heads are Better Than One [Special Agent Grace]
"jakey in the interest of protecting my lord - that's you - i need to go to chicago and make sure my evil twin cousin will not attempt to harm you for some dumb reason incomprehensible to our superior canadian minds; however, if i am to keep watch over you, as is my sacred duty blah blah blah, i need to bring you with me" "let's go then" "okay" Grace picks Jakey up and tucks him beneath her arm, carrying him with her into the portal to Chicago. "oh hey that's her on the right with the brown hair" "then who's that blonde on the left?" "oh jesus they both look just like me, except pallette-swapped" "i like the brown-haired one a lot" "black hair is superior for stealth purposes" "brown hair is superior for erection purposes" Grace glares down at Jakey and "accidentally" drops him onto the hard ground. "ow" "hello you must be the canadian twin cousin i've heard so much about; my name is riece, and this is my twin sister anice" "hi" "um hi" "where's your twin sister; there's supposed to be equal numbers of people on both sides of the dimension line" "uh i don't have one?" "that's not how it works" "yeah if you didn't have a twin sister riece wouldn't exist" "hilarious joke; we all know YOU'RE the one who wouldn't exist" "ho ho that's so funny!!! you're a natural-born comedian!!!" "yeah i got all the good traits; sense of humour, good looks, existence" "we'll see how good your looks are when i am done with them!!!" Anice leaps onto Riece, and the two roll away in a cloud of dust. Grace begins to sweat in place as Jakey nurses the largest erection he's had in a while. One Grace was pretty hot, but three? With the possibility of a fourth? Jakey knows what he must do in this moment. "grace we must find your long-lost twin sister so that i can touch her boobs!!!" "YES WE-wait what" "uh by which i mean show her to your cousins so they can accept you as a cousin and then all four of you can surround my entire head with boobs on all four sides" "oh yes def-wait what was that last bit" "i said that then i can take michelle home!!!" Jakey runs off and grabs the nearest Michelle-shaped object, which, unfortunately, happens to be Michelle's twin cousin Giselle. "HELP POLICE I AM BEING KIDNAPPED" "whoops sorry i thought you were someone else" Jakey sets Giselle down politely, then grabs the nearby Michelle, who is very upset. "i will never forgive you for this unless you take me home"
[reward: respect +/Chicago t-shirt]

Mission 023: Repression [Special Agent Grace]
"okay jakey i've looked through all the records of my family and apparently i do have a twin sister; or uh rather i DID" "uh-oh" "poor casey died when i was just a little teenage girl; apparently we were super-inseparable but i repressed the memory so hard and forgot i ever had a twin sister" A single tear streams down Jakey's cheek. His dream of having eight beautiful Canadian/faux-Canadian breasts envelop his head is destined to not come true unless he finds another double set of twins or masters hypnotism. "sorry i was busy repressing another memory i am very good at that; once i repress a memory it is gone forever it is like a gift; hey why are you crying cheer up jakey let's order a pizza or something" "yeah i-i'd like that" Grace picks up the phone, but there's no dial tone. "why do we even bother with landlines these days i mean seriously" Grace pulls her cellphone out of her pocket, but the battery is dead. "ah shit i swear i just charged this" "here take mine" Jakey passes Grace his phone, which rings wildly. "uh sorry just a second" Jakey answers his phone. "yeah uh-huh hmmm" Jakey holds out the phone. "it's for you" "huh" Grace takes the phone from Jakey's hands and immediately is almost deafened. "GRACE YOU ABSOLUTE FUCKING CUNT" "AH SHIT" Grace reflexively drops Jakey's phone, luckily onto the couch where it is safe. "debt collectors?" "no nothing like that just a prank caller with a shrill screechy voice" Suddenly, a violent spirit rises from Jakey's phone. "oh hey grace when'd you turn into a ghost" "uh i'm right here" "uh-oh this isn't good; what if grace actually died and the living grace is an impostor!!!" "THAT'S NOT IT YOU FUCKING DUNCE" The ghost attempts to slap Jakey, but her hand sails straight through his head. "ooh so close" "i am grace's twin sister casey and my spirit can't find rest until this fucking CUNT remembers me but every time i get close to reminding her of my existence she represses the memory and i'm fucking STUCK HERE" "sorry what was that? i don't recognise you at all despite our vague resemblance" Casey attempts to throttle Grace, but is unable to, due to being incorporeal. "sigh" Jakey rummages through Grace's purse until he finds a crucifix. "BEGONE, FOUL SPIRIT or whatever" Jakey presses the cross to Casey's ghostly form, and she is banished to the fires of Hell for eternity. "hey jakey what just happened; why are you holding my crucifix signed by jesus christ himself" "uh grace i don't think that was actually jesus-" "sorry what was that; i was busy repressing a memory" "uh we were just about to order pizza" "RIGHT!!!" Grace goes to pick up the phone, but it rings suddenly, so she answers her call. "yes uh-huh mmm yeah okay" Grace passes Jakey the phone. "it's for you" "hello?" "hey jakey it's michelle i am stuck in a hole outside of grace's house could you come get me out then take me home"
[reward: respect +/Canadian breasts t-shirt]

Mission 024: Fine Art [Special Agent Grace]
"JAKEY you'll never believe what just happened!!!" "THEY CANCELLED SUPER-MAGICAL KAWAII DESU SHOW-KUN!!!?!" "what no; i made an art" "what no you're not an artistic sort" "well to be fair i didn't set out with the intention of making an art; it just kind of happened" "how do you accidentally art" "okay so i was hungry right so i toasted up some waffles and lathered them in rich, creamy peanut butter" "wait what peanut butter doesn't go on waffles" "well i was out of bread so i also invented a delicious new snack BUT THAT IS BESIDE THE POINT; when i finished eating, some peanut butter had dripped out onto my paper plate and it looked rather art-like in appearance so i sent for an appraiser" A knock is heard at the door. "oh that must be the person i just mentioned!!!" Grace opens the door and leads Kathy into the house. "here it is officer" "what's the medium" "peanut butter and waffles on a paper plate" "hmmm i'll give you fifty bucks for it" "i'll have to decline thanks for coming though" "suit yourself" Kathy exits the house. "ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND YOU TURN DOWN FIFTY BUCKS FOR SOME PEANUT BUTTER ON A PLATE?" "oh come on jakey if a turbo-jew like kathy is offering me fifty bucks for it, it must be worth MILLIONS" "wha-" All of a sudden, Grace's door is burst down and a mob tramples Jakey. "I'LL GIVE YOU TEN THOUSAND DOLLARS FOR THAT PLATE" "FIFTY THOUSAND" "ONE HUNDRED THOUSAND" "FIVE HUNDRED THOUSAND" "ONE MILLION DOLLARS" "FIFTY MILLION" "please get off of me before you break the rest of my bones" "i'm not selling this for any less than one hundred million dollars and a friendly handshake" The room goes silent. Everyone looks amongst themselves, until one man wades through the crowd, holding up one hundred million dollars in cash. The rest of the crowd disappates, but the man with his money is still standing on Jakey's back. "help" "i want the friendly handshake upfront" "fair enough" Grace and Brucie shake hands with friendship unseen in millennia. Grace then takes her cash and hands Brucie the plate in its glass dome. "thanks bro" Brucie walks off, careful to step on all of Jakey's bones in such a way that they will break. "WHY" As Brucie leaves, Jakey attempts to get up, but is quickly trampled by Michelle. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Brucie missions]