A.L. Noire (season 9)

Subject: A.L. Noire (season 9) Wed Sep 28, 2016 8:54 pm

EPYSODE ONE:
There's no end to the depths of depravity in this dark city. Every day, more and more crimes are carried out; more crimes than we have able officers. Being a detective, I am only called in for the most heinous of crimes, such as the one that wound up on my desk that fateful day.
It was a cold November afternoon; a Wednesday, I recall. I had just woken up at the crack of noon, when my door was practically busted down by a frantic dame, as seems to happen every Wednesday. The dame was tall for a woman, but she wouldn't be called upon to play orangeball any time soon. She wore a long, red dress and a white feather boa. The dress was very tight; her breasts were squashed in, looking like they were about to pop out at the top. "DETECTIVE IT'S HORRIBLE A HEINOUS CRIME HAS OCCURRED" I couldn't help but stifle a smirk; heinous crimes were my specialty. "SOMEONE STOLE MY PURSE" "o-oh dear" Even I was taken aback by this one; a crime so vile that I couldn't help but recoil in horror at the magnitude of the wickedness that must lie inside our criminal's soul. "start at the beginning ma'am" "so there i was in the park, alone; i had come to feed the ducks but the park was empty so i decided i'd go down the slide a few times, have a go on the swingset, you know; then i went to feed the ducks, and it was going well; i'd gotten a few slices of bread from my purse and fed them successfully, then when i turned to grab more bread, my purse was gone!!! there was a near-whole loaf of bread in there too!!! and also a bottle of milk!!! i'm really afraid my purse is being neglected and will end up smelling like moldy bread and spoilt milk forever!!!" "do not worry ma'am i will bring the purse-napper to justice" "oh no do you really think he's taking a nap in my purse!!!" "uh no it's a portmanteau of 'purse' and 'kidnapper'" "... oh right" The lady left me her contact information, identifying herself as a Miss Piper. It was going to be a long afternoon, and eventually a long night, but I would not rest until this horrific crime's perpetrator was brought to justice.

Subject: Re: A.L. Noire (season 9) Wed Sep 28, 2016 8:54 pm

EPYSODE TWO:
The first place any detective worth his salt must check is the scene of the crime. I entered the park at around 1:30, before the children got there. Children shouldn't know of the deplorable act committed here. The park was devoid of life, so first I checked out the playground equipment Miss Piper had used. "wheeeee!!!" Despite many years of trying, I had never gone over the bar on the swingset. I was tempted to try again, but I limited myself to five minutes of swinging. "down to business i suppose" I walked over to the park bench, and noticed some bread crumbs on it; Canadian white. This must have been the bread Miss Piper had used to feed the ducks; good quality bread, dense and delicious. In my experience, ducks aren't fond of rye or pumpernickel, so Miss Piper's story about doing this regularly seemed to check out. Leading away from the bench was a high-heeled set of footprints. I assumed these were Miss Piper's footprints, but I followed them anyway because they were my only potential lead.

Subject: Re: A.L. Noire (season 9) Wed Sep 28, 2016 8:54 pm

EPYSODE THREE:
I was glad that I had followed the footprints. They didn't lead me to Miss Piper's home or my office, but rather a factory downtown. A window on the side of the building facing an alley was cracked open, and I was able to make out a conversation between two people inside. "ahahahahaHAHAHAHAHA with this first snatched purse, we begin our business of PURSE SNATCHOUR AND SHADY PURSE SELLOUR'S USED PURSES" "AHAHAHA AND NO ONE WILL EVER FIND US AFTER I WORE HIGH HEELS TO MAKE PEOPLE THINK THE FOOTPRINTS LEADING AWAY FROM THE CRIME SCENE WERE THE VICTIM'S" "IT IS ALSO GOOD THAT WE ARE ALONE AND NO ONE CAN HEAR US ADMIT TO OUR CRIMES" "GUESS AGAIN PUNKS" I crashed through the window, broken glass embedding itself into my body. "ow fuck ow fuck fuck ow" "ah shit" "i knew i should have closed that window" "live and learn punks; i got it all recorded on my tape recorder thingy" "curses" "guess we should just give ourselves up" "good luck with that; i've got a plan" Purse Snatchour shoved his brother down onto the floor in front of me to buy himself time. I handcuffed Shady Purse Sellour as quickly as I could, and gave chase.

Subject: Re: A.L. Noire (season 9) Wed Sep 28, 2016 8:54 pm

EPYSODE FOUR:
The rooftops of Alabama. If you were to get onto a tall building, the view of all the other rooftops and tiny cars and people would be breathtaking. Unfortunately, this wasn't a tall building, and I had no time to admire the view. Purse Snatchour was running at alarming speeds, jumping from rooftop to rooftop. With only a moment's hesitation, I chased after. I yelled for him to stop, but he just kept hopping like a man posessed by some kind of hopping creature. Rabbits, I think they're called. Finally, Purse Snatchour came to the side of a building much too tall to leap, unless your cartoon's intro said you could leap such buildings. "it's the end of the line purse snatchour" "you'd think so wouldn't you? however, you'd be wrong; GET 'IM BOYS" "..." "..." "dammit i thought you'd turn away long enough for me to escape" "it was a nice trick, but i've seen it before" "dammit" I slapped a pair of handcuffs onto Purse Snatchour and carried him to a waiting squad car. "hey maybe it's time to change your name to PRISONOUR" "oh ho ho smartfuck i TOTALLY haven't heard that one before"

Subject: Re: A.L. Noire (season 9) Wed Sep 28, 2016 8:55 pm

EPYSODE FIVE:
I approached Miss Piper's house, purse in hand, and rang her doorbell. I was quickly greeted by a tight hug; two large mammary mounds pressing and squeezing against my chest. My normally ice-cold facade was broken by the proximity of such beautiful woman lumps. "oh thank you so much!!! the milk hasn't even spoiled yet!!! come let us share this rescued milk over a fresh plate of chocolate chip cookies!!!" Not wanting to deny Miss Piper's kindness, I joined her for some steaming hot chocolate chip cookies and milk.
THE END

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