This year's St. Patrick's Day special has been cancelled due to an outbreak of plague.
In its place, we will be running a previously-recorded chaptour that has never before been aired. Thank you for
ST. PATRICK'S DAY REPLACEMENT AND SHIT
OG LOC AND THE DARK DEPTHS OF DESPAIR
by J.C.A. and E.C.L.
Loc dives to the ground, barely missing the explosion. Loc covers his face from the shrapnel, and turns to see a faint outline in the baklava. The baklava fades away to reveal Jack White with a knife to Michelle's throat. "don't do it jack white!!!" "i WILL take from you what you have taken from me, YOUR MAJESTY" Loc draws his revolver and fires at the knife in Jack White's hand, but before he can, Jack White quickly plunges his knife deep into Michelle's proud. The gunshot hits Jack White in the shoulder, but he appears unfazed. Jack White drops Michelle's lifeless corpse to the ground, a smirk appearing on his face. Loc stares, aghast. A single tear streams down Loc's cheek. Loc clenches his fist and charges at Jack White, pinning him to CJ's overturned Dodo. Loc rears his head back and brutally headbutts Jack White to the brink of unconciousness. Loc chucks Jack White at Craig, who punches him in the face on his approach, breaking his nose. Loc grabs Jack White by the hair and wedges his head between CJ's Dodo's blades and reaches for the ignition. CJ puts his hand on Loc's shoulder. "loc... he's already dead" Loc's arm promptly drops to his side, and Jack White's body falls to the ground. Loc head hangs in shame, and he punches CJ's Dodo's side plating. "why couldn't it have been me" "loc you are the chosen one; without you all the light in the world will cease to exist" Loc rubs his eyes. "OH" Loc runs to Michelle's side. "i failed you" "no loc... you did me proud" A single tear streams down Michelle's cheek. "you always do me proud" Michelle smiles at Loc before her body goes lifeless. A single tear streams down Loc's face, landing on Michelle's cheek, where it once again makes the journey downward. Loc closes Michelle's eyes and carries her to the graveyard, where all of Michelle's friends show up to pay their respects. Jack White uses his fork to clink his glass of arsenic. "dear friends and family... we are gathered here today to mourn the loss of a beautiful woman, tragically cut down before her masterwork was completed..." Loc struggles to hold back his tears. "michelle... in her will said she wants to give her unfinished symphony... to loc" A single tear escapes Loc's grasp as he accepts his final gift from the woman he loved. "thank you, michelle... for all you've done for us" A single tear streams down everyone's cheeks simultaneously as they clink their arsenic glasses in fond remembrance of Michelle. Loc gets up solemnly and leaves a single rose next to Michelle's grave. "happy birthday, michelle" Loc turns around, wiping a single tear from his cheek, and walks off into the setting sun, vowing to expose the world to Michelle's beautiful symphony, as he knows Michelle is always watching Loc from the afterlife. "this time, i'll help you achieve your dreams" Loc walks forward into the future, and his destiny. Then Michelle's like "take me home".
Loc wakes up with a start in the dead of night. "it was all just a dream" Loc lays his head back down to rest, when a chill runs down his spine. Loc snaps to a sitting position and sees a dark, hooded figure standing at the foot of his bed. "you sleep rather soundly for a murderer; that's good; you'll need a clear conscience for what i'm about to propose" The figure reaches into his cloak and from it, produces a clipboard and a pen. "will you sign my petition to ban john stamos from ever sending me chain emails again" "oh of course" Loc grabs the pen and attempts to sign the petition, but nothing happens when he presses the pen to the paper. "i think the pen is out of ink" "oh uh do you have another one i only brought the one" "uh" Loc looks around the room and sees all of his failed attempts to capture Sailor Moon's beauty in ink. "uh be right back" Loc leaps out of bed and puts on his favourite tan jacket, then rushes for the front door. Loc hops into his Dodo plane - such named because of its clipped wings - and blasts off for Staples to acquire a pen. As the plane reaches an altitude of over 9,000 feet, Gilbert Gottfried pops out of the passenger seat. "hello" "hello" "I KNOW YOUR PLAN LOC I WILL NOT ALLOW YOU TO SIGN THAT PETITION" "YOU FIEND" Gilbert Gottfried leaps up and puts Loc in a chokehold. Remembering the training he got from his sensei, Kung Fu Chad, Loc escapes the chokehold and grabs Gilbert Gottfried, chucking him into the plane's propeller. Chunks of Gilbert Gottfried fly back and cover Loc as a single tear streams down his face. Loc is mortified at the realisation that he just killed his high school maths teacher. With Loc aghast and petrified, and the propeller damaged by what was once Gilbert Gottfried, the plane begins to fall from the sky. The plane crashes violently against the ground, leaving nothing but burning wreckage. Loc crawls on his arm and legs out of the wreckage. One of his arms is torn off, his fingers melting on the other. His femur sticks out of his left leg, making moving his leg an agonising experience. Most painful of all, however, is that one of his eyes was punctured by a pipe, which is still embedded in his face. One collapse onto it would puncture his brain, killing him instantly. With one arm gone, there's no way for Loc to remove the pipe. The thought of ending it all crosses Loc's mind more than once, but Loc resolves to get across the street to Staples and sign that petition. Loc crawls into the Staples store and sees none other than Gilbert Gottfried standing at the checkout, buying some manilla folders. "oh my god gilbert gottfried can i have your autograph" Gilbert Gottfried's face contorts into a twisted smile as his face melts away to reveal none other than Loki. Loc looks on in horror as his lifelong dream to get an autograph from his favourite high school maths teacher is dashed right in front of his face.
Loc wakes up in a cold sweat. It's the middle of the night, and all is silent. No one stands at the foot of Loc's bed, and all of Loc's body parts are intact. "all right that is the last time i spend st. patrick's day at cj's house" A chorus of laughter erupts from nowhere. Loc lays back down and rolls onto his side, where he sees Michelle in her nightgown and cap. "take me home"
"what the fuck was that shit" "i can't believe they used the 'it was all just a dream' cop-out TWICE to avoid any challenge to the status quo or - god forbid - CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT" "i want my money back" "you pirated the movie" "DID SOMEONE SAY PIRATED" Sheriff Antony busts down the door and drags Eif away kicking and screaming. "NO THIS DOESN'T COUNT IT WAS A SHITTY MOVIE ANYWAY I WANT MY LAWYER FUCK YOU ALL I HAVE RIGHTS PUT ME DOWN YOU FUCKING POLICE GUY THIS IS POLICE BRUTALITY #WELSHLIVESMATTER FAGGOT I HOPE YOU'RE KILLED BY A HARLEQUIN FOETUS KNIGHT"
Sheriff Antony twirls his revolvers. "heh" Bran launches the harlequin foetus knight into the air, and Sheriff Antony shoots it with his revolvers. Taylor leaps into the air and impales the harlequin foetus knight. Taylor leaps off, and Tony runs at the harlequin foetus knight, sword dragging across the floor, and releases it into a deadly spiral of energy. The harlequin foetus knight is launched into the air, and Michelle leaps at it and kicks it at a wall. Amiee :3 makes pastry for Jakey and Eif as they play Strip Parcheesi. "so like" "yeah?" "what now" "well according to protocol, one of us has to get his/her powers now" "but i already have them" "play along you you not-very-cool guy" "TAKE THAT BACK" "okay yeah that was mean" "OKAY" Jakey runs around aimlessly and gets struck by a bolt of electricity. Electricity shoots from Jakey's left hand and obliterates the harlequin foetus knight. "wow nice job jakey" "yeah you're pretty cool" "you mean it?!" "no" "fuck"