Branficfic

Once upon a time in a small town in north-eastern Alabama, there lived a young boy of fourteen named Sam Totman. Today was his first day of high school, and he had hoped that this year, things would be a bit different than the year previous. Sam was a poor boy from a poor family, and, while that had gained him some popularity in seventh grade, being a poor boy had gone out of vogue come the eighth. While all the other kids in his school had invested in (and profited from) low-risk/high-reward ventures with what little money they had, Sam had no money at all. The girls of seventh grade had found him irresistible with his shabby clothes and out-turned pockets, as well as his constantly growling stomach and plainly visible ribcage. The girls of eighth grade, however, with their fancy clothes and full stomachs, found him laughably behind the times.

His girlfriend from the year prior, Tarja Turunen, had attempted many times to get Sam to get past his apparent obsession with the trends of seventh grade, but ended up breaking up with him after no progress had been made. She had broken Sam's heart, and he had to have surgery. Unfortunately, since his family was poor, none of the trendy doctors would even acknowledge their presence, and Sam had to settle for Dr. Gillan, who had been rated as "uncool" by all of his classmates' favourite medical magazines. He had tried to hide the shame of his untrendy medical procedure, but the beans were spilt when Sam had to take off his shirt in front of the class for the mandatory waxing every student had to have done each month. His classmates quickly noticed that his scar was plain and unadorned, unlike their heart surgery scars, which glowed in the dark and spelled out secret messages when water was poured on them. Sam never lived down the embarrassment of that day, but he had hoped that someone else might do something equally as embarrassing this year.

Sam climbed up the steps of the school bus, looking for his best friend, Herman Li. His other good friend, ZP Theart, had moved so far away during the summer, leaving Sam's already low number of friends short one member. Sam picked Herman out in the crowd of kids, and sat down next to him. Herman turned and greeted Sam with an enthusiastic "herro". Sam said "hello" back and the two began talking about their hopes for the year. Herman said he wanted to try out for the school's track-and-field team this year. Sam, having never been any good at sports, wished Herman luck and told him that he was thinking of joining the school's jazz band. Herman shook his head and told Sam that jazz band might not happen this year, as the school had yet to find a replacement for their old music teacher, Dr. Lord, who had died tragically. Sam sighed and sank into his seat. 

The bus soon stopped at the school, and all the students departed. Sam and Herman parted ways, each heading to their own home room quickly, so as not to be demoted back to eighth grade. Sam sat down next to a student he didn't recognise, who introduced himself as Marc Hudson, a new student to their school. Before Sam could introduce himself, however, their teacher, Dr. Van Halen, entered the room and demanded silence. Despite being the youngest teacher in the school, his "Eruption" teaching style had earned him fame among his colleagues. The students, however, found it a bit pretentious and self-indulgent. This did nothing to stop Teachers Weekly from naming him "Teacher of the Week" for the last 257 consecutive weeks. Out of the corner of his eye, Sam saw a couple of popular girls pointing at him and trying to contain their laughter. A single tear streamed down his slightly reddened cheek. Sam was so caught up in intense focus on his beautiful single tear that he missed Dr. Van Halen calling out his name. When another student said that Sam was present in Sam's stead, Dr. Van Halen was enraged and sent Sam to the principal's office.

Sam marched to the principal's office, depressed. It was just his first day, and he had already gotten in trouble. Sam's head was filled with ideas of what torturous punishments awaited him, but his head suddenly cleared as he heard two voices from beyond the door to the principal's office. He couldn't make out what they were saying, but one of the voices had a deep and rich bass tone. Hearing this voice cleared Sam's head of all his worries, and he just stood outside the door with his eyes closed, absorbing every sound he heard. The two voices stopped quickly, and the door swung open, knocking Sam right over. Standing before Sam was a very tall man with a large afro contained by a red headband, and dark sunglasses. He was wearing a red and gold spandex suit, socks and sandals, and a gold cape that seemed to blow in a non-existent breeze.

"Oh man I'm sorry super babe I didn't mean to hit you with sir door but I guess I don't know my own strength sometimes hehe but seriously are you all right Dr. Babe M.D. I mean you seem pretty dazed but then again maybe that's what's popular with the kids these days I can never keep up with the trends you know anyway yeah I'll leave you to it mmm"

the man seemed to float away while humming a tune in a deep bass tone. As the man disappeared beyond the horizon, Sam shook off being dazed and entered the principal's office. The room was clean; too clean, Sam thought. Sam was afraid to touch or sit on anything, not wanting to dirty anything through contact with his shabby clothes. The principal was sweating bullets, as if Sam had thought to sue the school, he could get rich off an injury settlement. Hoping to stop this plan before it hit Sam's mind, he absolved Sam of his sins after a quick prayer to our Lord and Saviour, Jesus Christ, then sent Sam back off to class.

The rest of Sam's day was rather uneventful, until he saw a poster for the school's jazz band. Sam cursed his former friend Herman, and vowed never to forgive Herman for lying to him. The poster was a bright purple, which stood out from the standard white notices the rest of the school's clubs had posted. Sam almost didn't recognise it as a jazz band poster at first, as there were a lot of words written in print too small for Sam to read. In addition, the print was in a beautiful, flowing cursive. Sam had never learned to read cursive, which was one of his deepest, darkest secrets. Sam headed to the music room to try and sign up. There, Sam saw four other kids who had also hoped to sign up for the jazz band.

The first student was a plump exchange student from Sweden. In a thick accent, he introduced himself as Yngwie J. Malmsteen. He said the "J" was important, and to never refer to him without it. He appeared to be well-fed; quite the opposite of Sam. He also had two half-empty bottles in his pockets. Sam didn't question the origin or contents of these bottles, as he had a hard time understanding Yngwie J.'s accent. He would never admit this to anyone, however.

The second student was very egotistical, calling himself "The Greatest Man That Ever Lived". Rivers Cuomo, despite having the appearance of a nerd, claimed to only be doing this ironically, and told everyone that "they just wouldn't get it". His appearance here at jazz band, too, was meant to be ironic. Sam didn't understand what he meant, but smiled and nodded all the same.

The third student was the richest boy in school, Matt Bellamy. He was the only student who didn't fall in line with seventh grade's "poor boy" trend, and instead waited for the trend to swing back around, whereupon he became the most popular boy in school, much as Sam had been the year before. Matt bore no grudge toward Sam, but spoke to him with a slight air of superiority. Sam thought that Matt must stand to make a profit from the jazz band, but couldn't imagine how.

The fourth student was Tom Morello, who stood in the corner of the room, only interacting with the other four when he had no other option. Tom had a keen mind for the technical side of things, always wanting to know how certain effects were achieved in movies and music. He also studied magicians to find out the secrets of their tricks. In spite of this, Tom was known as the biggest slacker in history, and was still only a freshman in high school at the age of 25.

Before Sam had the opportunity to introduce himself, however, the jazz band instructor entered the room. Four of the children were in awe at his presence, but Sam already knew the man from before, so he was in half-awe, at best. The instructor seemed pleased with four-and-a-half awes, and motioned for them to sit down.

"So I see there's a poor kid a rich kid a fat kid a nerdy kid and a jerk kid this all seems really familiar somehow maybe we all met in a past life sometime hehe but seriously welcome super children to jazz band or groove band as I like to call it hehe the principal told me not to call it that but he's not here now is he so let's just keep this our little secret hehe anyway let's wait a little while for any other children to show up I mean there was a lot to read on those posters I drew up so I wouldn't blame anyone for running a bit late trying to take it all in hehe anyway I hope that some groovin girls show up because what we've got going on here might be a bit hard to work with we'll probably need some purple spandex and some headbands and if we had some girls they'd probably already own all that so we'd be ahead of the game hmm I guess that's enough time to wait so no one else is showing up and this is going to be just a jazz quintet that's groovy but not too groovy it could really stand to be groovier you know what I'm saying super babes hehe but seriously here are the instruments you'll be playing I spent hours matching them to your looks and personalities so if you don't like it you need to leave hehe just kidding don't look so glum we're all friends here oh wait I never introduced myself hehe how embarrassing but seriously I'm Dr. Wonka you may have heard of me I'm kind of a big deal or so they tell me hehe anyway take your instruments and feel the groove welling up inside you (or else)"

Dr. Wonka handed out instruments to each of the children. Yngwie J. ended up with a harp, Rivers with a full-size piano, Matt with a saxophone, Tom with two drumkits, and Sam was handed a bright white electric guitar. The guitar looked old, but the white was pure and rich, as if it were brand new. Sam had never played a guitar before, but took to the instrument like he'd been playing straight out of the womb. As Sam tapped and shredded like a natural, Matt and Rivers tried hard not to look impressed. Tom was fiddling with his drumkits, moving all the various pieces around to consolidate them into one kit. Yngwie J. scoffed as Sam finished his solo, and began playing a similar piece on his harp. He was only used to playing on the guitar, and wasn't prepared for the full-body workout the harp would give him. As his piece went on, he began gasping more and more desperately for air. When his piece drew to a close, Yngwie J. collapsed to the ground, and was quickly pronounced dead.

"Oh dear there's already been a death in the family and we only just got to know him he will be missed R.I.P. but now we need a new harp player no one will ever replace fat kid in our hearts but the show must go on and the show can't go on without a harp player I mean whoever heard of a jazz band without a harp player that would be the least groovy jazz band ever and I refuse to have that on my resume so super babes find me a new harp player until then jazz band is cancelled so get on it (or else)"

Dr. Wonka had allowed the children to bring their instruments home with them, so Sam brought his guitar on the late bus. Rivers appeared to carry his piano out of the room upright with just one hand, but Sam thought he could see three sets of legs on the other side of the piano helping to bear the load. Matt called his servants to airlift him and the saxophone out via helicopter, always eager to show off his wealth. Tom left his drumkits in the music room, as he slept there every night anyway. The music room hadn't been his first choice, but the teachers had locked him out of their lounge, the librarian was already sleeping in the library, and he got trampled the one time he tried to sleep in the gym.

For the rest of the day, Sam tried to remember if he knew any harp players. Herman had been the state champion harp player for three years running, but Sam could never swallow his pride and forgive Herman for the atrocities he had committed. Sam may not have had much in this life, but his pride was his most prized possession. As he played his guitar, Sam's thoughts turned to his old friend ZP Theart. Sam always turned to ZP in times of trouble, but he was so far away now, and Sam didn't own a telephone or a computer. Sam continued to play his guitar until he fell asleep on his bed.

Sam did not have a pleasant sleep, however. Whether it was due to the betrayal of Herman or his dire need to find a harp player, he'll never know. His dream started out normally; his family eating a package of stale crackers they'd fished out of a supermarket dumpster and talking about the day's events. Eventually, it became Sam's turn to talk about his day. Sam didn't have time to even open his mouth, though, because a large cement truck driven by none other than Herman Li backed in through his house's wall. Herman cackled manically as he poured cement onto Sam's family, which dried instantly and suffocated them to death. Sam's head had not been covered, allowing him to watch as Herman exited the cement truck and held out a katana. Herman walked over to Sam's head, and said "sayonara, Sam Totman", and lopped Sam's head clean off.

Sam awoke with a start, now knowing what Herman was capable of. He vowed that he would not let this stand, and began to plot the downfall of Herman Li.

Sam ascended the steps of the school bus and looked for Herman. Sam had confidence in the plan he'd concocted, and was ready to enact it. Unfortunately, Herman was nowhere to be found on the bus. Sam cursed his luck, as his plan to shove Herman under the bus's tyres as it drove off had been ruined. Sam tried all busride to come up with a new plan, but nothing came to him that didn't require a cement truck.

The day went on, and Sam never saw Herman once. Sam was about to head for home, but Matt stopped him in the hallway. Apparently, Dr. Wonka had found a new harp player, and jazz band was set to meet today. Sam hurried to the music room, excited that at least one thing had gone right today.

Sam entered the music room, and was greeted with a familiar-sounding "herro". Sam froze in his tracks, causing Rivers to bump into him from behind and fall over. Rivers insisted that he'd fallen over ironically, but Sam was too busy being frozen with terror at the sudden appearance of his most hated enemy to hear. Rivers was standing behind Sam, waiting patiently to get into the music room, but Sam's gaze lingered on Herman. 

"Oh hello Dr. Babe how has your day been mine's been good I'm really glad we've found a harp player now we can groove onto That Distant Horizonshire my favourite place in the world hehe but seriously why are you still standing there and not letting Jerk Babe into the room what did he ever do to you Dr. Babe why would you test the love of our family on such an important day hehe anyway come on in and let's get down to business babes of the future"

Rivers gave Sam a slight shove and everyone took their seats.

Dr. Wonka removed his headband, revealing an identical headband underneath. He did this four more times, and gave each of the members of the jazz band one of his headbands. 

"Now we're all babes in this world but not everyone is a super babe so have these headbands to tell to the world that you are a super babe not just any ordinary babe not that there's anything wrong with being an ordinary babe I mean some of my absolute favourite babes weren't very super at all hehe anyway put them on as I always say there is no wrong way to wear a headband so go crazy with it (but not too crazy I don't want to have to send you to an asylum hehe but seriously) I've always been a traditionalist when it comes to headbands but that's just me I won't judge you"

Rivers, Matt, and Sam tied theirs around their wrists, while Tom wore his around his neck. Herman put his on the traditional way. It was at this point that everyone noticed Yngwie J.'s corpse still lying by the harp that now belonged to Herman.

"Oh don't mind your predecessor's corpse on your harp New Babe the harp isn't haunted by his ghost or is it hehe but seriously it's time to practice our first tune written by yours truly I'm kind of proud of it (but not too proud because pride is a sin or so I've been told hehe but seriously) the tune is called 'The March of the Super Babes / Babes of the New Millennium / Babes in Space / Babes on Mars? / Too Many Babes / The Eradication of the Babes / Not Enough Babes / A World Without Babes / Two Worlds Without Babes / The Return of the Babes / Earthbound Babes / The March of the Super Babes (Reprise) / A Day in the Life' it's a thirteen-part suite but I worked hard to make sure it grooves with the best of them after all I want only the best for Groove Band hehe anyway one two three four"

And so the band played Dr. Wonka's grand suite. The grooves lasted until the sun went down, but still showed no signs of stopping. Everyone's playing was heavenly; exactly what Dr. Wonka had expected. But the true star of the show was none other than Herman Li; Herman's harp-playing sounded like that of an angel who had been so beautiful and pure in life that he had been granted two halos and two sets of wings. Sam wasn't fooled, however. Sam knew the evil and treachery that Herman could commit. As the band finally finished the final part of the suite, Dr. Wonka sat down in his chair. The chair had the wheels and tubes of a standard office chair, but the seat and back looked more like a throne. The material was a violet-coloured velvet, with metallic gold trim.

"Good job Babes of '84 that was exactly how I'd envisioned it I doubt Fat Babe could have done a better job than New Babe may he R.I.P. in peace hehe anyway I've scheduled us to play in front of the entire school tomorrow so don't go killing eachother over a petty grudge wait until after the show hehe but seriously that was such a great performance you may have just earned the title of Ultra Babes which is no small feat before today I'd only met four Ultra Babes before two of them are no longer with us three of them if you believe the rumours hehe anyway get some rest and come back tomorrow for the show of your lives (or else)"

The jazz band (less Tom Morello) exited the music room to head for home. From that moment until the next morning, Sam was faced with the biggest dilemma of his young life; whether or not to kill Herman Li. Sam imagined that if he waited, Herman would use the opportunity to strike first. However, if Sam had been the one to kill Herman, Dr. Wonka might kick him out of the jazz band. Sam decided the best course of action was to get someone else to do it for him.

The five heroes entered the dealership without hesitation, for they knew that there laid their destiny. The proprietor recognised them as the heroes of legend immediately, and introduced himself as Original Gangster George. He offered them five legendary blades, suitable for five legendary warriors. The five heroes accepted his offer, and each took up a legendary blade.

Bran's was a light blue that almost looked white. The blade was thick and wide, but the sword was still easily wielded with one hand. Three brilliant sapphires were inlaid in the hand-guard, and two tassels of yellow were hanging from the bottom.
Eif's was a reddish orange colour, and the blade was shaped like a burning flame. Three brilliant rubies were inlaid in the hand-guard, and two tassels of purple were hanging from the bottom.
Jakey's was a golden colour and shaped like two lightning bolts separated by the hand-guard. Three brilliant topazes were inlaid in the hand-guard, and two tassels of green were hanging from the bottom.
Taylor's was a brilliant white. The blade had a sharp, curved edge, but the other was swirled like a cloud. Three brilliant diamonds were inlaid in the hand-guard, and two tassels of teal were hanging from the bottom.
Tony's was a dark grey. The blade looked like a stalactite rising from the hand-guard, but was as sharp as any of the others. Three brilliant pieces of onyx were inlaid in the hand-guard, and two tassels of periwinkle were hanging from the bottom.

The five heroes exited the dealership, ready to face whatever challenges awaited them.

Sam wandered the streets, searching desperately for a hitman or five. As Sam walked down Main Street, he spotted a merchant's stand between the Arby's and Central Park. Sam found it odd that he never noticed the stand before, despite his family eating from the Arby's dumpster many times in the past. Sam nervously approached the stand, where a mysterious woman offered him the power to burn his enemies with the power of pure light. Sam didn't have any money on him, but the woman liked his clothes. Sam stripped down to his underwear and handed the woman his clothes, and received a compact disc in exchange. Sam hurried to the local library to use their computer.

Sam inserted the disc into the library's computer, and felt a sudden burning sensation in his left hand. Sam turned his hand, and a beam of light shot from his palm into a bookshelf. The librarian turned to Sam and put her finger to her lips, wanting Sam to cease the racket at once. Sam apologised and removed the disc from the tray before running for home. Herman would die tomorrow, ruing the day he betrayed Sam Totman.

The jazz band assembled in the auditorium. Dr. Wonka had given them each spandex jumpsuits to wear. Sam's was as bright a white as his guitar, which pleased him greatly. Matt's was a bright sky blue, Tom's was a bright mint green, Rivers's was a bright baby pink, and Herman's was a bright gold. Right before the band went on to play, Dr. Wonka gave the jazz band the most inspirational speech they had ever or would ever receive.

"Okay Ultra Babes this is the moment we've been training for I expect no less than one-hundred percent also no more than one-hundred percent because that's the highest it can go if I got any more than that I'd be a bit worried hehe anyway don't think about how everyone you've ever known is in that audience and also don't think about the television crews and documentary-makers and DEFINITELY don't think about how if you make a mistake the entire show will be ruined and you will be a laughing stock for the rest of your life and also lose your Ultra Babe status all right hehe anyway it's time to get out there and"

The curtain raised, as all the students stared at the jazz band expectantly. Dr. Wonka stepped up to his podium and began to conduct, confident that the performance would speak for itself, one way or the other. The suite started out perfectly, with every note being hit as it was written. The crowd was in awe of the piece, but moreso in awe of Herman's angelic harp-playing. Sam was incredibly frustrated that the crowd would love a deceitful man like Herman, and the passion of the moment got the better of him. Before he knew what he was doing, Sam ignored the sheet music for the 'Babes on Mars?' portion of the suite, and played the most impassioned guitar solo anyone in the room had ever heard. Dr. Wonka was at first shocked that Sam would so flagrantly disregard the sheet music, but as his solo grew larger and larger, even Dr. Wonka had a single tear well up in his eye. Sam decided that he'd better not push his luck, and ended his solo as 'Too Many Babes' began.

Herman, of course, decided not to take this sitting down. While he'd let 'Too Many Babes' run its course as planned, as soon as 'The Eradication of the Babes' began, Herman set to work creating the most haunting harp solo anyone had ever heard. While Sam, Herman, and Dr. Wonka had known why this had started, the rest of the jazz band was clueless. However, Rivers soon decided that he wasn't going to go down without a fight. Rivers came in on the next part, 'A World Without Babes', and played a haunting piano refrain he'd written himself. Thinking quickly, Sam joined in with a counter-melody on 'Two Worlds Without Babes', which really set off the song. Even Dr. Wonka was impressed at what the two had done together. Herman began to sweat, as he knew he would have to work hard to top that. Matt had a saxophone solo written into the next part, 'The Return of the Babes', so all he did was to add a few notes and fills in some places to make the piece his own. He wasn't as concerned with his individual popularity, as the sales from Herman's, Sam's, and Rivers's parts would generate enough income on their own. Tom, also, wasn't concerned. He had already committed to his take on the drum part, and he was perfectly content being the backbone of the piece. While Matt was playing his solo, Herman was stealthily downtuning his harp. Because he couldn't hear the notes he was tuning to, Herman's plan was a risky one, but he saw no other option.

The auditorium was gone; in its place was only rubble. The show was being broadcast live, and the entire nation saw what had transpired. In the streets, the children screamed, the lovers cried, and the poets dreamed, but not a word was spoken. The entire nation knew that today had been a day of great loss and tragedy for us all.

The Malmsteen family went to the music room to recover Yngwie J.'s corpse. They were the luckiest of the families, as they were the only ones able to recover a corpse. They held a feast in their son's honour, and all died of simultaneous heart attacks from the chocolate-covered spaghetti and meatballs.
The Cuomo family decided not to have a funeral, letting Rivers's memory die with him. They believed that's the way he would have wanted it.
The Bellamy family paid for an entire mausoleum to be built on the site of Matt's death. They had recorded the broadcast, and sold copies of it, making millions.
Tom Morello didn't have a family, and no one cared that he'd died.
The Li family, having seen Herman's true colours that day, cursed his soul and drew stupid-looking moustaches on every picture they had of him.

Sam's family didn't own a television, and waited for him to return for the rest of their lives. Every night, his parents would cry, not knowing the fate of their beloved son.

No one knows what became of Dr. Wonka, but his final suite made him posthumously rich and famous. All the money was sent to the music room, where it would stay, unspent, for the rest of time.

That fateful day of 02 September 2015 would go down in infamy for the rest of history as The Day the Music Died, and was observed as a national holiday in the nation of Alabama; a time of mourning and remembrance for the greatest musicians time had ever known.
THE END