Jake Adjutant, Eifion Lewis and Brandon Lehman, having defeated the evil Joey Cosentino, are having a really cool vacation. They're sky-divin', and Eifion and Brandon get carried off by the wind into a jungle! Oh no! Jake lands in the desert, and meets a man eating a cactus. The man introduces himself as Eric Johnson, and offers to take Jake to the jungle to find his friends. Jake accepts, and follows Eric into the desert. Because there is no way this man would ever consider waiting until they're alone, then raping him. Nope. Never.
In the jungle, Jake sees another cabin, and enters it, which, obviously, would NOT give Eric the perfect opporotunity to rape him. Nope. Inside he finds a box! Inside is a jar of jizz, a picture of Tom Scholz, and a note. The note reads "I Can Still See You - Tom Scholz". Jake immediately disregards this, and exits the cabin.
Outside, Jake finds Brandon and Eifion! Oh my God! They're playing Blackjack with a bunch of dolphins. Jake, thinking this would be funny, snuck up on Eifion, and yelled "Hey, Eifion! We're kicking you out of the band for using our profits to buy food for you! And we're gonna replace you with Glen Drover!" in a voice that sound suspiciously like Drummer's. Eifion, scared out of his mind, and thinking he was destitute, turned around, and said "But food is so deliciously yummy! I couldn't help myself! Please forgive me!" Then he opened his eyes and saw Jake. Jake burst out in hysterics, as did Brandon, and Eifion began to say that he knew it was Jake all along, and that he was only joking. You know, trying to remain 'ard.
The heroes hoof it back up to the ski resort, but wind up falling into a random pit disguised as a pile of Playboys. Bummer. Inside said pit, they see another man named Alex Hart. "Alex?
" "Alex." Alex nods, and casts a cool levetation spell to get 'em out, then the continue until the find a small merchant town. Inside, they find a man named Taylor Maddox picking out bows. "Taylor?
" "Taylor." Taylor nods. He joins the four, and the classic line-up is almost complete. Wow. This is weird. "What's next? Will we find Anthony trying on women's-..." "WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU DON'T SELL WOMEN'S PANTIES TO MEN?" They see Anthony and he joins the group. As if nobody saw this
Climbin' up the mountain some more, they see a man eating prunes. He introduces himself as "Dude", and asks for an autograph. They give it to him, right on his fucking balls
, and continue on. The man passes out and dies from ink poisoning.
While climbing the mountain, the heroes stumble upon two people. One saying "I love him but I'm too shy to tell him", which makes complete sense, and the other saying "I love her, but she's too much of a pussy to ask me out". So they grab the woman, and hold her down, while Jake violently rapes her. Then they shove the woman at the man, and she tells him she loves him. Success!
Next, the heroes see a castle. Because they know that the ski resort will be safe from the villian revealed last game, they check it out. Inside, they see all sorts of weapons, which they pick up. Because every weapon anybody ever sees is better than their current one. Jake's is, like, huge. I mean, it's bigger than he is. And he's kinda scrawny. How does he lift it?! Eifion's is a slightly smaller sword, but it's pointy. Like, you could put an eye out with it. But since he's 'ard, he can lift it. Brandon's is a normal-size sword. Because he's a pussy. Nobody else got weapons, because they suck.
They see a small door. They open it, because they think they could walk on a woman in the shower. They do. She has, like, really long hair. Down past her knees. Jake seems to fall in love, and the rest of the gang throws him into the shower. The woman freaks out, then proceeds to break down and have sex with Jake. Because he's the main character, and no matter how much you dislike the main character, he always gets the chick. The rest of the party is literally clawing their eyes out, and running in circles.
After that ordeal is over, the woman introduces herself as Shit, and says that this is Tom Scholz's castle. He gives them a note that reads "Can You Still See Me? - Tom Scholz", and a jar of Scholz's own semen. Then she totally hits on Jake, and says he's welcome any time and that shit. The rest of the party offers to let him stay there, because they're mad at him for having sex twice in a row, and Jake declines, because there are still several Joey Cosentinos to deal with. But, out of spite, Eifion shits in Jake's mouth. Then, out of spite, Jake rinses his mouth out! And, um... cuts off Eifion's favourite hair. Yeah. One hair. Then Jake kisses Shit goodbye, and the party leaves the castle, and Jake gets the shit beaten out of him.
Outside, a man named Brandon Agnew runs toward the party, and asks for help. His sheep are dying because of bandit attacks. This is even deeper than the Joey Cosentinos! They rush to his aid, and slaughter his sheep. Now the bandits can't kill them! Oh, and one of the bandits is apparently King Tony Manotas of Cumville. He's alive! He, like, runs away like a pussy because he thinks everyone hates him. And that is unbearable. Oh, and the rest of the bandits are
clones. They kill 'em, and then decide to continue climbing the mountain. And Jake is all better from his beating now. Because he's the main character.
Next, they see Antony Lusmore from Cumville asking for help moving a boulder perched on top of a cliff to the ground so that no one gets crushed. Eifion swiftly asks him for his bank account details, and recieves them. Then he runs into the cliff, and gets crushed by the boulder. But, luckily, he doesn't die. He rolls it off of him, and runs to the bank, with the others trailing him.
At the bank, there's this teller that Brandon thinks is cute. So, being the Cassanova that he is, he randomly yells "PIKA!". Then the teller starts making out with him. Yeah. Eifion runs up to another teller, and starts smashing the teller's head into the desk, yelling for his money. The teller said that his name was Colin Lehman, and Brandon immediately got up, and spanked Colin. Long and hard. In retalliance, a man came up behind them and tranquilized them! Oh no!
They walk into Dickinson's cabin, and give him the Queen CD. He thanks them, and sends them to an Aerosmith concert so they can do stuff. He, like, chucks them onto another boat, and this time Taylor almost falls off from his AIDS! Oh no!
On the boat, they enjoy such activities as bowling, darts, pool, and killing other passengers and immediately stealing their money. Oh, then another giant thing attacks. Since Brandon, Eifion, Jake and Anthony can't hit it, they play blackjack. Brandon is 15,000 GP in the hole, when the thing drags him into the ocean. Thinking this is oddly familiar, the other heroes, besides Jake, decide to let him die. But Jake dove in and rescued Brandon as a prank.
At the Aerosmith concert, they get autographed copies of Rock Band: Aerosmith. Because they're awesome
. And then they get to perform on-stage, and the stage launches them up onto the rafters, where they see a chest and a plaque that says "Do Not Open This Chest". Taylor cringes in fear, and Anothony calls him a pussy and opens it. And by doing so, he gets his save file deleted! Oh, and he gets Gonnhorea. Yay!
After this very fortunate turn of events, they get warped back to Pete Townshend. He tells them to go to the Ban Fairy's house and get her cornea. They comply, and after several attempts that involved a South American eating Eifion's dust as he skipped merrily along, Brandon cut out the Ban Fairy's cornea. Yay! They took it back to Pete, and Pete asked one final favour of them. They were to hand out the Person of the Eternity Award!
Jake donned a Tuxedo, and groped the FIFA word cup, and listed the nominees; Eifion Lewis, Brandon Lehman, Jake Adjutant, Ronnie James Dio, Will Smith, Sebastian Bach, Brad Whitford, David Cook, and Jason Becker. The winner was Eifion. "Eifion?
" "Eifion." Jake nodded, and gave Eifion the cup. Eifion's acceptance speech was this: "Thank you for presenting me with the Person of the Eternity award. Without awards, there would be no apparent motive to act Person of the Eternity-y." Then he forced it inside him
. Oh, then the screen got all shitty again, and Tom Scholz images flashed everywhere.
Michael Schenker, Marty Friedman, Tommy Shaw, Pete Townshend, Dave Murray and Ace Frehley got up and walked outside randomly. As bestest best friends, they had hung out a lot, and felt like randomly walking towards the jails! But not before eating Soilent Green-infused pasta. Mm, mm, good. Along the way, they saw clones of the evil guitarist military captain Joe Trohman. They killed them, and walked along their merry way, while Schenker was trying to force some of the Trohman clones' equpiment inside him
Walkin' down the path some more, they came to a woman lying on the ground. Marty instantly collapsed to the ground, saying "mummy! why are you lying on the ground?! and why are you covered in cherry kool-aid?! please, mummy! talk to me! please! without you, who would make my meals?!". Then Michael said "That's what she gets for leaving the kitchen". Oh, then Marty's daddy ran up and stabbed him with a knife. "Again
They dragged Marty to a local healer, and he healed 'im up pretty good. It cost millions of dollars, but because Michael had sold his money to buy food for him, they couldn't afford it. So they ran away and were chased by dogs! "glug glug fanta" Michael drank a Fanta and was able to kill the dogs by forcing them inside him
After that horrible ordeal, Marty felt like staring at the camera and going "Mm". Everyone else found this extremely
creepy, and stuck a guitar in his skull. This didn't kill him because he's the main character. Then they all skipped towards the jails.
At the jails, they found six people in comas. Guns N' Roses music started playing, and they read the labels. They read "JAKE ADJUTANT", "EIFION LEWIS", "BRANDON LEHMAN", "ALEX HART", "TAYLOR MADDOX", and "ANTHONY BREVICK". The guitarists recognised these names, and Marty said "Jake
?", and everyone else said "Jake." and nodded back. The same went for Michael and Eifion, Tommy and Brandon, Pete and Alex, Dave and Anthony and Ace and Taylor. Then they were forced inside of the heroes that they represented
Jake, Eifion, Brandon, Alex, Taylor and Anthony were in a jail, awake, and they felt really violated. So, obviously, the first thing they did was look in a random box beside them with a jar of cum, a picture of Tom Scholz and a note. The note read "Can You See Me? I Can See You I Just Used My Tom Scholz Magic To Restore Your Souls And Now I'm Breathing Down Your Necks - Tom Scholz" They ignored this, and left the jail cell, which was left open.
Outside the cell, they realised that they were in a castle that apparently belonged to an Elidafhsdhgkgfkssfka! This was bad, as Jake had the note from the end of the last game in his bellybutton. So, obviously, they ran around in circles for several days. Then they went upstairs. There they found five doors: Ravioli Room, Hallway, Throne Room, Exit and fuck!. They entered fuck!, and were instantly warped into a fight against more
clones. When will they learn? Oh, then they were warped into a final battle that doesn't even deserve to be mentioned, so I'll just skip it.
After the boring fight, they found another note. "Teach those brats a lesson! - Vaters". They all shouted "FUCK" at once. Then Kevin J. Repp came in, and challenged Jake to a fight. Then he was crushed by the words "THE IND".
Story-writing: Jake Adjutant.
Ideas: Jake Adjutant, Eifion Lewis.
90% of the jokes and the beginning plot: Eifion Lewis.
Ideas for acts three to five: Jake Adjutant.
Tom Scholz appears, and tells the screen "See You Next Time".