The game starts off in the small village of Semenburg. There's been a tomato famine for a while now, and the Annual Spaghetti Festival is tomorrow! Oh no! Brandon Lehman's, Eifion Lewis's and Jake Adjutant's parents send them on a small journey to another village to get tomato paste for some sauce. When they get back, the village has been burned to the ground, and all the people have been slaughtered. The three friends wander around aimlessly for a few hours until they find a note that reads "I did this, try finding me, whoever finds this note! Haha! - Love Joey Cosentino". They decide to pick up their parents' weapons, because every household has several, and run towards Cumville to warn them of the assault. But first they do what their parents would have wanted them to do. They make some spaghetti, chop up the villagers' bodies, and put it in the tomato paste to make a meat sauce. Then they eat it, because it felt like the best way to honour the villagers' memories.
On the path to Cumville, they have to lie down a bit, because they forgot to cook the villagers' bodies. While they're resting, they're ambushed by what look to be clones of a bald dude. They swiftly cut them down, because they obviously know how to use swords, and read the imprint on the back of their armour, which reads "STEVO CLONE, COPYRIGHT JOEY COSENTINO, 2008". They wonder if it's the same Joey Cosentino who burned down the village, but quickly dismiss that theory.
They walk a few more centimeters, but are ambushed by a thief wanting their money. Since they don't have any, they offer him some leftover spaghetti. He takes it, and immediately gets sick from the raw human meat. He attacks them, and they injure him severely with their swords. He runs away, claiming that he'll be back. They catch a glimpse of his backpack, and it reads "KEVIN J. REPP". They wonder if he was working for either of the two Joey Cosentinos, but dismiss that theory, too.
After a few more
clone encounters, our heroes find the capital city of Cumville. They cross the drawbridge, and are strip-searched by the guards. Once inside, they are escorted to the king to tell him about the predicament and attacks.
The king introduces himself as King Tony Manotas, and says that he needs help if he's going to defend the city. He tells the heroes to go see General Jeremy Layton of the Cumville Army, and see what he has in the way of weapons and armour. They comply, and within minutes they are greeted by the general. He tells them that they will be defending the north-west corner of the wall along with the wizard Alex Hart. They are given new weapons that are built of a more sturdy material, and armour that provides protection from all sorts of weapons.
Eifion, Jake, Brandon and Alex go to the north-west corner of the wall, and see forces of what look like
clones advancing hard. A lone archer walks up to them and introduces himself as Taylor Maddox, and offers to join their group. Since the group is still pretty rag-tag at this point, they agree, and have Alex and Taylor shoot at the
clones with projectile attacks. The clones eventually do get up to the wall, and attach a ladder to said wall. They climb up it, and are beheaded by each of the heroes in turn. Obviously these clones are of the genius variety.
After all the
clones are defeated, our five heroes report to King Tony. He tells them that they did a good job, and to go through the forest to the city of Jizztopia to look for clues as to the scource of these attacks. The five heroes agree, and start to leave, when they hear a scream! It's Queen Tarja Truenen! She's screaming because she woke up in this weird castle forcably married to King Tony! Oh no! She gets up and runs toward our heroes! They run, because Tarja is, like, the ugliest thing ever.
Just outside the city, Taylor trips, falls, and skins his knee! Oh no! The heroes rush back into the city to get some hydrogen peroxide. Inside, the shopkeeper, Antony Lusmore, tells them that that'll be 15,000 GP. They go back to the castle and ask King Tony for money. He says that they have to go find some dragon eggs for him before he'll give them the money. So, leaving Taylor behind right where he fell, they head to Death Mountain to slay some dragons and steal their eggs.
But first, they need mounts. They meet up with a South American with a sombrero outside the city named Eric Camara, who offers to sell them horses for some pasta. They give him the villager pasta, and ride off on their new steeds.
On Death Mountain, the heroes evade several clever fire-based attacks, and get to a big ol' dragon nest. There, they have to face four dragons, each of a different element, at once. Alex casts a spell of the opposing element at each of them, and Brandon, Jake and Eifion just hit it with their swords. They eventually defeat them, and grab a dragon egg each. They take the eggs back to Cumville to give to King Tony, who gives them 15,000 GP, and they go back to the shop.
In the shop, Antony Lusmore tells the heroes that he misheard them, and thought they said SHEILD OF DEATH, and peroxide was actually free. They take the peroxide, and apply it to Taylor's wound. He instantly feels better, and his maximum hit points increase by 250. Then they march onward into the forest.
While marching through the forest, the hoeroes come across a small cave, which the enter, since they obviously have nothing better to do and nothing dangerous is ever in caves. Inside, they find a small plaque, which reads "Have You Seen Me?", and Boston's "More Than a Feeling" starts playing really softly. Getting annoyed at the superfluous music, the heroes exit the cave, only to be ambushed by
clones! D'oh! They defeat them with several well-placed sarcastic comments, and march onward, until they find a cabin. Inside the cabin, they decide to rest until morning. You know, because no one could possibly live in that cabin. And it surely couldn't be a creepy old man who enjoys raping teenagers. Nope.
Once they wake up, the heroes find something on the floor. They pick it up and realise it's a giant box! They open the box and find three things: A note, a jar of semen, and a photograph of Tom Scholz. The note reads "So You've Found My Cave Very Good Now Try To Find Me - Tom Scholz". The heroes don't recognise the guy in the photograph, and they decide to disregard this, because Tom Scholz couldn't possibly have information that could aid them in their journey. Nope, never.
The heroes leave the cabin, and manage to stumble upon a
clone training ground. They watch for a few seconds, then Eifion rushes in, because "he thought it would be funny". All five heroes have to face the
trainer and an army of
clones. Halfway through the battle, the
trainer splits the ground in half, and everyone falls into an underground cave. Everyone except Jake is knocked out, and Jake has to finish the battle alone. He manages to defeat the
trainer, but the real
sneaks up behind him and drugs him, then proceeds to drug his friends.
The heroes wake up just outside the forest, and see a man fighting semen monsters. They defeat the semen, and introduce themselves to the man, who introduces himself as Pete Townshend. He offers the heroes a quest, and they take it, 'cos they obviously have nothing better to do. Pete gives them boat tickets and tickets to an Iron Maiden show, and he says the assignment will become clear in time. Then he throws them all on a departing boat, and Brandon almost falls off the edge!
They go up to the captain, and he steers them into a weird island with bats and stuff. They walk along it, killin' bats, when they reach a cave with a box inside. The box has an image of Tom Scholz, a jar of reproductive juices, and a note that reads "I Am Watching... Ah, Fuck It - Tom Scholz". They disregard this, and run further in, and find a giant guy who looks like
. "lo all" "... hai" "My name is Sneevo! I'm carryin' the wheel! Thanks for all you've shown us! This is how we feel!" The heroes took this as an insult and immediately stabbed him. He killed Taylor and Alex, and Brandon, Jake and Eifion had a hard time damaging him. He had, like, ninety-nine lifebars, and a million kevlar vests, and he kept summoning Sneevo clones. The heroes eventually prevailed, and decided to sodomize his corpse for lulz. Then they woke up. Yeah.
On the boat, the heroes enjoy such leisurely activities as backgammon, bingo, and stroking Mudkipz. This all comes to an end, however, when the ship is attacked by a giant whale shark thing. Only Taylor and Alex can hit it, though, so the rest of the heroes start playing poker. Eventually, the... thing pulls Jake under, and Eifion dives in after him, because he owes him 10,000 GP. They defeat the... thing's offspring, and swim back up.
After that grizzly scene ended, our heroes walked over to the Iron Maiden concert, and, with their tickets, entered the facility. Dave Murray recognised them, and introduced himself, saying he was their biggest fan. Adrian Smith pushed him out of the way and claimed that he was their biggest fan. Then Janick Gers pushed him out of the way, and Eifion punched him in the face for being so lame. They offer the heroes a chance to play with them, and they accept. Once they all get on stage, it colapses under their combined weight. No amps, instruments or anything. There they find a plaque that reads "Don't Open This Chest" and a chest. Taylor, never being one to follow directions, opens the chest, and has his save file deleted! Oh no! And he gets AIDS. Oh well.
Immediately after that unfortunate turn of events, three dragons attack, each representing Eifion's, Jake's and Brandon's biggest fears. Jake's isn't recieving disability payments, Eifion's is destitute, and Brandon's isn't wearing a really tall hat. Eifion, Jake and Brandon all roll up into little balls and suck their thumbs, leaving Taylor and Alex to kill them.
After what seemed like forever, the dragons are slain, and the heroes are warped back to Pete Townshend. He commemorates them on their job well done, and tells them to go to Bruce Dickinson's cabin in the forest and give him his Queen CD. He gives them the CD, and marches them off into the forest, where they find the cabin immediately. Once they got to the door, they froze in place, and the world got all blurry and distorted. Images of Tom Scholz flashed everywhere, and Jake woke up. He was all sweaty and woke everyone up by screaming that Tom Scholz was gonna kill him. Everyone else apparently had the same dream, and realised all at once that they were in jail. D'oh!
After being in prison for what felt like centuries (and was actually thirty seconds), a thief broke them out of jail and gave them some
clone equipment. He introduced himself as Anthony Brevick, and led them across the hall to the dining area, where they enjoys such fine cuisine as KFC chicken, McDonalds hamburgers, and Burger King onion rings.
After eating that fine, fine cuisine, the six heroes went out through the front door. Yeah. They were instantly discovered by
, and forced into battle. The battle raged on for several furious seconds, after which
transformed into his final form:
B. Goode. This
had super speed and the ability to annoy our heroes with Chuck Berry music. Oh no! They eventually triumphed, but not without getting several bruises and paper cuts. Oh, and after that, they exited through the front door. Yeah.
They all decided to go back to Cumville, because they needed a lot of free peroxide. When they got there, they discovered that Cumville had been burned to the ground! Oh no! The only survivor, General Jeremy Layton, told them in a rather lengthy dialogue that it was Joey Cosentino, and gave them a note that read "I did this. Just try to find me! Haha! - Joey Cosentino, who lives at 36 Private Hill Lair Drive". The heroes sighed, as now they had three Joey Cosentinos to deal with, and depaired of ever finding any of them. So, they decided to go to Jizztopia for clues.
Opting to cut through the forest again, the re-enter the cave with the plaque. The plaque is still there, but now it reads "I'm Getting Pretty Impatient Go And Find Me Already". The heroes ignore this, seeing it as a small child trying to get attention. They exit the cave, and find the cabin again. They go in, and find another box. This one has another note, a copy of "cum! THE MUSICAL", and another picture of Tom Scholz. The note says "I'm Always Watching You Even When You Sleep Even When You're On The Toilet - Tom Scholz". The heroes find this a bit creepy, but nevertheless ignore it.
Once they reached the
training camp, which was empty, they noticed that the hole pit thing was gone. They merrily skipped across the training ground, and headed towards Jizztopia, which was also burned to the ground. They found another note, this time saying "Come one, why haven't you found me? - Joey Cosentino, 35 feet west, 500 north". Our heroes, now fearing the threat of four Joey Cosentinos, still had no idea where they were. The followed the directions on the card, expecting to be raped, but instead found a castle. The gates were locked, and they couldn't climb over them, so they waited until a supply truck came in, and stowed away in it, in the process, getting covered in semen.
They jumped out of the semen truck, and just in the nick of time! The truck was vapourized five seconds later! Yay! But the heroes are still all sticky! They see a small cabin on the grounds, and go into it. Inside, they find a box, and inside the box is a note, a towel, and another picture of Tom Scholz, this time in lengere. The note read: "Can You See Me? I Can See You". The heroes thought this was, again, creepy, but ingored it, again.
After towelling off, the heroes made their way to the main castle. They were greeted by a giant
Mech, which had a button on it's crotch. Jake and Eifion both kicked the button at the same time, and the mech blew up, but caused no harm to our heroes. They entered the building, and saw five doors. They were labeled "Meat Grinder", "Ravioli Room", "Hallway", "Dining Room", and "Swirling Vortex". Thinking the "Swirling Vortex" door sounded fun, they entered it, and were instantly sucked into millions of battles against
clones. Then they appeared right next to Joey Cosentino, who paralyzed Taylor, Alex and Anthony. After a massive battle that isn't even worth mentioning, letalone writing an entire paragraph about, the heroes killed Joey.
With the reign of the evil Joey Cosentino over, the heroes finally realised something. They were the only people on the planet left besides Tom Scholz. So they searched around for a bit, until they found a set of orders that read "Joey, make sure to give those kids some headaches, or I won't let you do the ravioli thing. ~.^ - Ellidsfbkjdafjsd". Oh no, it looks like they have a new enemy. Well, better start looking for him, bu- no, wait, here are the credits. Guess we'll have to leave that to the sequel, huh?
Oh, and that thief Kevin finally showed up, saying how he finally found them and was gonna kill our heroes, but he was crushed by the words "THE END".
Story-writing: Jake Adjutant.
Ideas: Jake Adjutant, Brandon Lehman, Eifion Lewis.
Tom Scholz appears, and tells the screen "See You Next Time".