You wake up from a year-long coma. Your band has already moved on, replacing you with Jaleel White from the hit '90s sitcom, Family Matters. It turns out that he tests much better with focus groups, so you've been left on your own, like a rainbow in the dark. Determined to show your former band who's the real King Shit, you form your own band, with blackjack, and hookers. In fact, you decide to forgo the band entirely.
Apparently, the blackjack game won you more than money and rolexes; you also won a team of superstar musicians: SAMMY HAGAR, PHIL COLLINS, and GEDDY LEE. Unfortunately, you lose more money than you had, so you have to sell them into slavery. Oh well; easy come, easy go. You eventually find a few drunks and give them instruments. Since you're already in a casino, you say "hey why not".
01: Opening Licks (Casino)
Huey Lewis and the News/"Hip to be Square", 1986
The Doobie Brothers/"China Grove", 1973
Billy Idol/"Dancing with Myself", 1981
T.Rex/"Telegram Sam", 1972
The Presidents of the United States of America/"Lump", 1995
The crowd cheers at your performance. Unfortunately, before you get an opportunity to play an encore, an Elvis impersonator drunkenly stumbles on-stage and yells at you for encroaching on his territory.
Guitar Battle vs. Elvis Impersonator
Beaten, the Elvis impersonator turns to leave the stage, then quickly turns back to strike while your guard is down. Luckily, one of the audience members chucks a bottle at him, knocking him out. You stand on his unconscious body and play an encore.
Encore: Yes/"Owner of a Lonely Heart", 1983
A man approaches from out of the crowd and introduces himself as Jay Leno. He is excited about your comeback after seeing you at SeaWorld last year, and asks you to go on his show with your band. You accept and head out to the television studio, where you are informed that the interview/performance isn't for another week. Drat. You can't wait a whole week; you have no money and are out of milk. And a lot of other things. Most things, actually.
You dejectedly walk to the cold, unforgiving homeless shelter. Unfortunately, it is quite full, and will only accept the most talented of hobos.
02: Amp Warmers (Homeless Shelter)
Whitesnake/"Fool for Your Loving", 1980
The J. Geils Band/"Centrefold", 1981
Stone Temple Pilots/"Unglued", 1994
The Who/"The Seeker", 1970
In the end, it comes down to you and Hobo Sam, who can make a truly exquisite rat stew. You buckle down and try your best not to be intimidated by the best thing you've ever eaten.
Encore: Radiohead/"My Iron Lung", 1995
Unfortunately, you lost. You can't hold it against anyone, though. That rat stew was fucking delicious. Slightly upset, you lie down on the pavement in an alley, next to a nice dumpster. As you start to drift to sleep, you are approached by a band of thugs. Thinking quickly, you grab your guitar and start playing.
03: Axe-Grinders (Back Alley)
Bad Religion/"Big Bang", 1989
The Doors/"Break on Through", 1967
Foo Fighters/"I'll Stick Around", 1995
Green Day/"Hitchin' a Ride", 1997
Queens of the Stone Age/"Make it wit Chu", 2007
One of the thugs takes off his ski mask and reveals himself to be John Fogerty. Barely moved by your grooves, he challenges you. The stakes? Your money or your life (your choice).
Guitar Battle vs. John Fogerty
Defeated, John Fogerty calls off his thugs. He and his thugs join you for an encore.
Encore: Creedence Clearwater Revival/"Travelin' Band", 1970
John Fogerty backs off and leaves you to sleep. You fall into a deep slumber, or so you're told. You feel like you've had deeper.
You startle awake as Face-Eatin' Steve hovers over you. It's apparently been a week, and it's time for your appearance on The Tonight Show. "just five more minutes" Face-Eatin' Steve grabs your slumber mat and drags you onto the set.
04: String-Snappers (The Tonight Show with Jay Leno)
Weezer/"My Name is Jonas", 1994
Van Halen/"Unchained", 1981
The Steve Miller Band/"Rock'n Me", 1976
Muse/"Supermassive Black Hole", 2006
Queen/"Fat-Bottomed Girls", 1978
You realise that Jay Leno no longer hosts the Tonight Show. You also realise that you aren't playing in a television studio, but, rather, small brown cubicle held together with duct tape. You then realise that the cubicle is not, in fact, brown, but rather, hot pink. Feeling an overwhelming sense of deja vu, you decide to let things play out and not challenge the situation. Then you decide, "fuck that".
Encore: Audioslave/"Doesn't Remind Me", 2005
Standing in the ruins of what was once a small pink cubicle, you see only a lighthouse off in the distance. You wander inside and find that the lighthouse light is out of power, and see a vaguely ship-shaped shape in the distance. Fortunately, the lighthouse's lightbulbs are powered entirely by music. You wonder in silence who would have invented such a thing, and why they haven't been given the Nobel Prize.
05: Thrash and Burn (Lighthouse)
Black Sabbath/"The Mob Rules", 1981
Lenny Kravitz/"Are You Gonna Go My Way?", 1993
Journey/"Stone in Love", 1981
The Strokes/"Reptilia", 2003
The Black Crowes/"Remedy", 1992
The light flashes a bright white, and the ship begins to steer to the dock. You decide to keep playing to be on the safe side.
Encore: Nirvana/"Breed", 1991
You exit the lighthouse and go over to speak to the captain. He thanks you for your lighthouse-keeping skills, and informs you that he and his boat are part of a luxury cruise, but his boat got tired and needed a nap. He invites you on the cruise as an entertainer, and you gladly accept.
06: Return of the Shred (Cruise Ship)
Aerosmith/"Back in the Saddle", 1976
Pearl Jam/"Even Flow", 1991
Lynyrd Skynyrd/"Call Me the Breeze", 1974
Stevie Wonder/"Superstition", 1972
Poison/"Look What the Cat Dragged In", 1986
The crowd seems impressed, except for one man. You wonder what his problem is, but those thoughts are quickly replaced with wondering why he's coming up to the stage and whether or not you're about to die. The man pulls out his guitar and reveals himself to be Jimmy Page. You quickly calculate your odds of death as slightly lower than before.
Guitar Battle vs. Jimmy Page
Defeated somehow, Jimmy Page looks down and remembers that he's right-handed. After flipping around his guitar, he decides to play a song with you.
Encore: Led Zeppelin/"The Ocean", 1973
If you're playing on easy, you become starstruck and stumble overboard into the briny deep. You realise that you forgot to wear your water wings, and thus die.
If not, Jimmy Page shakes your hand and leaves. Suddenly, the ship stops and begins to fall downward. It seems that you have hit a large rock, and are about to die. Thinking quickly, you hop onto the large rock and calm everyone with a song(s).
07: Fret-Burners (Giant Rock)
Scorpions/"Rock You Like a Hurricane", 1984
Smashing Pumpkins/"Geek U.S.A.", 1993
The Jimi Hendrix Experience/"Fire", 1967
Steely Dan/"Do it Again", 1972
Everyone has successfully been calmed down. Unfortunately, they sink into the ocean and presumably die. Oops. Luckily, a rescue helicopter passes by and decides to pick you up.
Encore: Boston/"Foreplay/Long Time", 1976
The helicopter drops you off back at the homeless shelter, which has recently had a drop in tenants due to most of the tenants having their faces eaten. You think nothing of it, and plop into bed.
You are standing in another sold-out arena. Fans are cheering your name, and you are ready to take the stage and perform the biggest set of your life. Again.
08: Relentless Riffs (Harmonix Arena the Third)
Bon Jovi/"Lay Your Hands on Me", 1988
Great White/"Once Bitten, Twice Shy", 1989
Arctic Monkeys/"Brianstorm", 2007
Tesla/"Modern-Day Cowboy", 1986
The Allman Brothers Band/"Ramblin' Man", 1973
Jack White comes on-stage and calls you not-that-cool. This will not stand.
Guitar Battle vs. Jack White
Defeated, Jack White apologises and tries to make it up to you by playing a song with you.
Encore: The White Stripes/"Icky Thump", 2007
If you're playing on medium, your face is eaten while you are sleeping.
If not, you wake up with a fully intact face. This is good, because you'd grown quite attached to your face. Unfortunately, Face-Eatin' Steve was not so lucky, as his face is missing. You quickly sling him over your back and rush him to the hospital. The doctors there can give him a new face, but they're feeling pretty down in the dumps, man. You instantly know what to do.
09: Furious Fretwork (The Hospital)
Chicago/"25 or 6 to 4", 1970
Slipknot/"Before I Forget", 2004
UFO/"Rock Bottom", 1974
Thin Lizzy/"The Rocker", 1973
Ozzy Osbourne/"Flying High Again", 1981
The doctors suddenly feel a rush of inspiration and quickly attach a new face to Face-Eatin' Steve. An improvement, you think to yourself. Face-Eatin' Steve is overjoyed to have acquired a new face, and requests his favourite song. You don't know it, so you pretend you heard him wrong.
Encore: The Mars Volta/"L'Via L'Viaquez", 2005
Face-Eatin' Steve is slightly disappointed, but doesn't let it affect the celebration. You dance and sing and drink until midnight, when everyone passes out simultaneously.
You are standing in yet another sold-out arena. You wonder where they keep finding these, but you quickly turn your attention to what's important; fans are cheering your name, and you're fucking ready for that shit, dog.
10: Psycho Solos (Harmonix Arena Forever After)
Deep Purple/"Fireball", 1971
Iron Maiden/"Prowler", 1980
The Outlaws/"Ghost Riders in the Sky", 1980
Styx/"You Need Love", 1972
The Police/"Peanuts", 1978
Guitar Hero Slash stomps onstage, and wordlessly challenges you.
Guitar Battle vs. Guitar Hero Slash
Axl Rose is nowhere to be found because that shit's not going to happen even in your dreams.
Encore: Guns N' Roses/"Paradise City", 1987
If you're playing on hard, you die of alcohol poisoning in your sleep.
If not, you wake up on top of the Great Sphinx of Giza. A crowd has formed at the Sphinx's feet. You obligingly begin to play.
11: Face-Melters (The Great Sphinx of Giza)
Megadeth/"Tornado of Souls", 1990
Metallica/"Mercyful Fate", 1998
Rush/"The Spirit of Radio", 1980
Focus/"Hocus Pocus", 1971
Judas Priest/"Painkiller", 1990
The crowd cheers wildly, but not for you. You were just the opening act. You are knocked off the Sphinx by Jaleel White as your old band takes the stage. You pick yourself up as the band begins to play their song. Your song. Enraged, you climb up the Sphinx and lock guitars with Jaleel White.
Guitar Battle vs. Jaleel White
Defeated, you fall to Jaleel's unique brand of funk. As the light drains away from your eyes, you hear a voice, and suddenly feel very metal. You spring up and challenge Jaleel to a rematch.
Guitar Battle vs. Jaleel White
Defeated, Jaleel falls to the ground, the sheer weight of the metal you fought him with crushing him. The Lord of Metal himself, Ronnie James Dio, descends from the heavens (or maybe just the top of the stage; you can't really tell) and deems you worthy.
Final Encore: Rainbow/"Stargazer", 1976
Dio disappears in a flash of light. Unfortunately, playing with him has altered your genetic structure. Your bones are replaced with metal, which is pretty heavy. You fall to the ground and enter a coma that will last until they can replace your new bones with actual bones. The doctors say that it will take a year or so. The credits roll as you float above all the locations you visited and play...
Credits Song: Dio/"Don't Talk to Strangers", 1983
The credits end with an eye quickly opening. It could be yours, but, then again, it could always be Jaleel's.