Assassin's Creed III: Possibly the worst game ever

Assassin's Creed III is an abomination. This game is everything I hate about videogames. I'd like to think it's a commentary on videogames as a whole.

The game starts with a three-hour tutorial starring Haytham Kenway. Haytham is a charismatic Englishman sent here to find... a thing. Eventually, he fucks a native and inducts Charles Lee into the Templar order. OH SHIT RIGHT
The reveal that Haytham is a Templar was amazing, honestly. Everything is so vaguely worded, but you figure it's because the Assassins work in secret. BUT HOLY SHIT HE'S A TEMPLAR

Getting out of the tutorial, you are now Rhinohawk, a native boy. As Rhinohawk, you must endure another five-hour tutorial in which your mother is burned alive. Oops. Rhinohawk seeks out Achilles to become an Assassin named Connor.

After this tutorial, you are met with a barrage of unlikable characters and boring missions. Things change for the better in sequence 7, where you participate in the Battle of Bunker Hill. This is where the game hits an upswing. From there, Connor meets Haytham, and Haytham proves to be the superior character. But it's really hard not to be superior to a board. It is always a problem in a story when your villain is infinitely more likable than your hero.

The downhill slope (more like cliff face) comes when Connor kills Haytham. He says that it is OF UTMOST IMPORTANCE to find Charles Lee, but first he gets his hair and makeup done. You may think that's a joke, and you'd be wrong.

The second-to-last mission has Connor chasing Charles Lee through the city streets. The guards are positioned just so that one of the following will happen:
A: Connor will run straight into the end of their musket, causing him to stagger and Charles Lee to get away.
B: Connor will skirt around them, and begin climbing something for no reason because of the "improved" controls. Charles Lee naturally gets away.
C: Connor won't start running at all, and Charles Lee will get away while Connor shuffles forward.

After finally getting to the boat thing that's on fire, you can fail the mission in one of the following ways:
A: Connor will run straight into the fire, killing himself almost instantly.
B: The player will get lost and go the wrong way, letting Charles Lee escape.
C: The player will miss the correct way to go when the game hides it so cleverly, and Charles Lee will, again, escape.
This, naturally, sends you back to the street chase.

Once you finally catch Charles Lee, a cutscene takes over. Connor is impaled by a stick of some sort, and shoots Charles Lee in the stomach. Connor must then walk very slowly to the end of a dock (the long way), and take a ferry to a tavern. Once he slowly walks into the tavern, he meets Charles Lee, forgetting about his troubles with a bottle of whiskey. The two share a nice drink, and Connor stabs Charles Lee and steals his jewelry.

Afterward, Connor goes back to his native village and gets lectured by a goddess or something. She's really cryptic and basically says Connor can't do shit to achieve his goals, then she tells him to hide the jewelry he stole and fucks off. Connor naturally does this without question.


In the modern day, Nolan North finds three MacGuffins and the jewelry and finds a large disco ball. Touching the disco ball SAVES THE WORLD but lets some goddess rule the world. Not touching the disco ball sends the world into chaos and ruin, but lets the people find their own way after the dust settles.
Touching the disco ball would be what the Templars would do. Not touching the disco ball is what the Assassins would do. Nolan North, as an Assassin, naturally touches the disco ball, and the credits roll. 10/10 best game ever R.I.P. in peace Nolan North



As far as the gameplay, well...
They fucked the control scheme. You don't have to hold A to climb a thing any more, which sounds good, but fucks over running. The multiple ways to counter an enemy's attack were cool, though.
There's a glitch I kept enountering after I got the second pistol holster where it would just disappear randomly, leaving me with two shots instead of four.
Climbing trees and cliffs fucking sucks. They're hard to read, and are just annoying to climb.
I miss the hook blade and bomb crafting from Revelations, which I used a lot. I also miss Ezio. R.I.P.



This isn't to say that I didn't have fun with the game. The missions with both Connor and Haytham were great, and Haytham was a great character.
The naval missions were really cool, which gives me hope that AC4 isn't shit. The Homestead missions were interesting, and were probably the best examples of Connor as a character. Achilles' death was really well done, and probably the best part of the game, objectively.
The optional assassinations and mail delivery runs were great, as were the Boston Brawlers fights. The Boston and New York Underground were amazingly done, and have the best atmosphere in a game I've seen in forever.
The Captain Kidd missions were a worthy successor to the Assassin Tombs and Lairs of Romulus. All of them were great and fun and interesting and unique, and the rewards were great.
The Brotherhood feature is much improved, but easily missable.
The missions as Nolan North in the modern day are GREAT. There's no HUD, so you have to rely on catching the enemies' animations rather than RED ICON MEANS PRESS B
Honestly, I kind of want a modern day Assassin's Creed that plays like the Nolan North segments. Big fan.