Eif and the Beanstalk

CHAPTOUR ONE:
"hello sir would you like to buy some magic beans" "WOULD I" Eif plops down all of his money and grabs all of the magic beans. Eif pops a magic bean into his mouth. "YUCK" Eif spits out the magic bean. "WHAT A RIP-OFF" "no refunds" "FUCK" Eif takes the bag of magic beans and buries it in his backyard, never to be mentioned again.

CHAPTOUR TWO:
Eif wakes up at the crack of noon. "oh man that was a great night's sleep" Eif looks out the window to see a massive beanstalk. "that... is the second-largest beanstalk i've ever seen" Eif leaps to the beanstalk and begins ascending. "ugh i should have packed a snack" Eif reaches the top of the beanstalk and notices a hut. "oh man i bet that guy has food" Eif walks over to the hut, when the cloud rumbles beneath his feet. "FEE FI FO FUM I SMELL THE BLOOD OF AN ALABAMAN BE HE ALIVE OR BE HE DEAD I'LL HAVE HIS BONES TO GRIND MY BREAD" "oh fuck i love bread" "oh me too man but i need to grind it" "why not use this" Eif hands the giant a giant lead pipe. "this will do nicely!!! come let us eat bread" Eif and the giant sit down to eat bread. "oh that was so good" "well i have to be going" "same time tomorrow?" "wouldn't miss it"

CHAPTOUR THREE:
Eif climbs up the beanstalk a second time. "ughhhh" "w-what's wrong, giant" "i can't feel my legs" "oh dear" "the doctor says i'm going to die" "oh no" "eif i would like to leave you my estate" "i-i couldn't possibly-" "which includes, but is not limited to, a sack of gold coins, a hen that lays golden eggs, a self-playing harp, and an autographed copy of carly rae jepsen's hit single, 'call me maybe'" "on second thought, it would be a shame to let such a great estate go to waste" The giant dies, and Eif jumps for joy, running into the giant's house to grab the autographed copy of Carly Rae Jepsen's hit single, "Call Me Maybe". Unfortunately, it's on the top shelf. "OH GODDAMMIT"
THE END