YOU are an up-and-coming guitarist from Massachusetts who is kind of out of work, dude. Passed out in your own filth, you notice a newspaper on top of you, which is, like, totally a bummer, since you're allergic to newsprint. Just before it leaves your hand, however, you see an ad - "GUITARIST WANTED". Despite your hand swelling up to twice its size, you grab your guitar and a slice of pizza that was draped over your leg and hop into your van.
"hey i'm here about that guitarist ad" "oh yeah bro yeah totally" The singer ushers you in. "like bro so like i'm billy bob, that's our drummer, steve, and here's our bassist, gordon" "sup bro" The bassist nods. "he doesn't talk much" "so should we, like, start practicing, or..." "oh man no time we have a gig in like twenty minutes" "wat" "yeah bro it's at a 'taberna' - whatever that is" The band piles into your cramped van, and you head to the "taberna" - whatever that is.
01: Opening Licks (Mexican Bar)
Creedence Clearwater Revival/"Green River", 1969
Foreigner/"Feels Like the First Time", 1977
Franz Ferdinand/"This Fire", 2004
Billy Idol/"Rebel Yell", 1983
Mountain/"Mississippi Queen", 1970
The management stares, horrified. They wanted a mariachi band. The crowd seems to dig it, but the owner, Pedro, and his brother, Pedro, grab their guitars and attempt to bring respect back to their "taberna" - whatever that is.
Guitar Battle vs. El Mariachi
Defeated, their pride and guitars shattered, Pedro and Pedro grab the sharpest hunk of guitar they can find and commit "suicidio ritualista" - whatever that is - for that is the way of el mariachi apparently. Either way, the crowd wants another song.
Encore: Stone Temple Pilots/"Plush", 1992
The mariachis' cousin, Pedro, sees the corpses of his dead cousins. Immediately, he recognises your talent and calls his uncle, Pedro, to get you a gig at his slightly larger "taberna" - whatever that is.
02: Amp Warmers (Slightly Larger Mexican Bar)
The Doors/"Peace Frog", 1970
David Bowie/"Suffragette City", 1972
Arctic Monkeys/"The View from the Afternoon", 2006
The Steve Miller Band/"Jet Airliner", 1977
Lenny Kravitz/"Fly Away", 1998
Looking around, you realise that this "taberna" - whatever that is - isn't slightly larger at all! It's actually just an office cubicle painted a brownish colour! Upon closer inspection, it isn't actually brown at all! It's really hot pink! Feeling betrayed, you tear down the walls of the cubicle and are surrounded by an entire company of Pedro's family! Pedro's cousin, Pedro, demands reimbursement for the walls of his cubicle. Thinking quickly, you pay him in the only currency you have: music.
Encore: Oasis/"Don't Look Back in Anger", 1995
Unfortunately, music isn't an accepted currency in Massachusetts. Pedro's brother, Jonathan, happens to also be a freelance policeman and arrests you for "vandalism" - whatever that is.
Fortunately, you and the rest of the band manage to smuggle your instruments into prison. The drummer may not be able to sit down for a few months, but it's worth it to be able to get the rest of the prisoners too tired from rockin' out to make it so that the rest of the band won't not be able to sit down for a few months.
03: Axe-Grinders (Prison)
T.Rex/"Twentieth Century Boy", 1973
Huey Lewis and the News/"The Power of Love", 1985
Faces/"Stay with Me", 1971
Alice in Chains/"Dam That River", 1992
Heart/"Magic Man", 1976
Unfortunately, The Police don't like you coming in here with your contraband, and have decided to teach you a lesson.
Guitar Battle vs. Andy Summers
Unable to defeat you in amp-to-amp combat, Andy Summers and Stewart Copeland call in the chief, Sting. Despite you being criminal scum, he thinks you're all right and decides to do a song with you.
Encore: The Police/"Every Little Thing She Does is Magic", 1981
The next day is your trial. Good job the Massachusettsian justice system is so expedient! The judge declares you not guilty, and declares Pedro guilty of fraud. Pedro is thrown into prison, and you're asked to give a press conference on what just happened. You state your points eloquently, but it's apparent that the media wants something more.
04: String-Snappers (Courthouse Steps)
The Black Crowes/"Hard to Handle", 1990
Lynyrd Skynyrd/"Sweet Home Alabama", 1974
Green Day/"Minority", 2000
Red Hot Chili Peppers/"Suck My Kiss", 1991
The White Stripes/"Fell in Love with a Girl", 2001
The judge comes out and sees all this ruckus on his steps. Fortunately, he likes all music except rap and country. The judge knocks the drummer out of the way and grabs his gavel, ready for whatever song is next.
Encore: Nirvana/"You Know You're Right", 2002
After your press conference is aired on television, the phones have been LIGHTING UP with requests for you to play at places. Deciding it's only fair, you throw all the names into a hat and draw one out at random. "Red Octane" sounds like a nice enough club.
05: Thrash and Burn (Red Octane)
Eagles/"Life in the Fast Lane", 1976
The Sweet/"Fox on the Run", 1975
The Black Keys/"Your Touch", 2006
Smashing Pumpkins/"Cherub Rock", 1993
Foghat/"Fool for the City", 1975
Unfortunately, Red Octane was full of metalheads. Enraged at the lack of metal, the metalheads bumrush the stage. The band hops onto a large trailer attached to a semitruck, but the metalheads hop onto their motorcycles. You decide to do the only rational thing in this situation: play a song that is decidedly un-metal.
Encore: Boston/"Hitch a Ride", 1976
The metalheads all run out of gas and have to pull their bikes to a gas station. You and the band decide that it's time to relax and not worry about anything, and let the semitruck take you where it's headed. You close your eyes and drift to sleep.
You're standing in a sold-out arena full of screaming fans. You and your band are about to play the greatest set of your lives.
06: Return of the Shred (Harmonix Arena)
Blue Oyster Cult/"Burnin' for You", 1981
Motley Crue/"Too Fast for Love", 1981
Bon Jovi/"Bad Medicine", 1988
The Edgar Winter Group/"Free Ride", 1972
Brian May takes the stage and says he's totally better than you. Like, no way!
Guitar Battle vs. Brian May
Defeated, Brian bestows upon you the Red Special. Paul Rodgers and Roger Taylor come out from backstage and the four of you team up for an encore. Paul Rodgers is suddenly posessed by the spirit of Freddie Mercury.
Encore: Queen/"I Want it All", 1989
Brian, Roger, and Paul congratulate you on a job well done, but you are suddenly launched into a wall. Apparently, the semitruck crashed into a wall while you were asleep. If you're playing on easy, the impact kills you instantly. If not, you're mostly fine, but your guitar does not survive the landing. Fortunately, you find a replica of the Red Special nearby. Spooky.
The semitruck crashed straight into a FLOR*MART Mega-Centre, and took out the wall of big-screen televisions! And on Black Friday, too! With the customers livid at the destruction of their half-price televisions, you think fast and play a set of songs.
07: Fret-Burners (FLOR*MART)
Journey/"Any Way You Want It", 1980
Aerosmith/"Eat the Rich", 1993
Jane's Addiction/"Been Caught Stealing", 1991
Steely Dan/"Reelin' in the Years", 1972
Kenny Loggins/"Danger Zone", 1986
Unfortunately, it is one in the morning, and music does little to soothe the savage Black Friday shopper. Hastily, you purchase a 50% off Black Friday rope and swing across FLOR*MART into the parking lot. Unfortunately, several enraged Black Friday shoppers have already started their cars and have decided to play chicken, except instead of another car, their target is you, and instead of swerving to avoid the collision, they fully intend to ram into you. Only, instead of "ramming into you", they will run over you, likely killing you. Deciding that that is less than optimal, you climb onto the roof of FLOR*MART.
Encore: Pearl Jam/"Alive", 1991
Fortunately, a life-flight helicopter has come to pick up the driver of the semitruck, and you climb up onto those little ski things on the bottom - whatever those are called. You ride to the hospital, and notice that the hospital has a lot of sick people in it. How strange. You decide to cheer them up with some nice music.
08: Relentless Riffs (Hospital)
Tom Petty/"Runnin' Down a Dream", 1989
Tenacious D/"Master Exploder", 2006
Muse/"Stockholm Syndrome", 2003
The Living End/"What's on Your Radio?", 2006
Ram Jam/"Black Betty", 1977
Apparently, Eddie Van Halen was getting treated for vampirism here. He notices your Red Special replica and challenges you to a guitar battle.
Guitar Battle vs. Eddie Van Halen
Defeated, Eddie hands you a replica of the Frankenstrat. Michael Jackson moonwalks in and grabs a microphone.
Encore: Michael Jackson/"Beat It", 1982
If you're playing on medium, you contract vampirism and turn to ash as the sun rises. If not, Eddie decides to take your band on a vacation to SeaWorld! You are very excited, as you have always wanted to touch a real, live orca whale.
Unfortunately, the orca whales have all been reposessed by the bank because SeaWorld defaulted on their loan. Fuck. The owner of SeaWorld, Pedro, tells you to raise money to re-purchase the orca whales by playing a bunch of music.
09: Furious Fretwork (SeaWorld)
The Jimi Hendrix Experience/"Voodoo Child", 1968
Guns N' Roses/"Nightrain", 1987
Elton John/"Saturday Night's Alright for Fighting", 1973
Whitesnake/"Give Me All Your Love", 1987
Molly Hatchet/"Flirtin' with Disaster", 1979
Pedro pays to get the orcas back. Everyone rejoices, and you play the encore standing on the orca's back.
Encore: The Allman Brothers Band/"Whipping Post", 1969
Pedro thinks you're an amazing band, and decides to introduce you to his talent scout brother, Pedro. Unfortunately, Pedro recognises you right off and throws a flash grenade, blinding you, then he knocks the band out swiftly.
You are standing in another sold-out arena. Fans are cheering your name, and you are ready to take the stage and perform the biggest set of your life.
10: Psycho Solos (Harmonix Arena II: The Revenge)
Living Colour/"Cult of Personality", 1988
Ozzy Osbourne/"Crazy Train", 1987
Megadeth/"Peace Sells", 1986
Soundgarden/"Rusty Cage", 1991
Tesla/"Comin' Atcha Live", 1986
Tony Iommi enters the arena, ready to wreck your shit.
Guitar Battle vs. Tony Iommi
Failing to wreck your shit, Tony hands you his black SG. Ozzy stumbles onto the stage, and you decide, hey, why not.
Encore: Black Sabbath/"Symptom of the Universe", 1975
If you're playing on hard, you die peacefully in your sleep due to a concussion. If not, you wake up on Easter Island. In front of your band is a large crowd of people, waiting for you to rock their fucking socks off.
11: Face-Melters (Easter Island)
Van Halen/"Hot for Teacher", 1984
Deep Purple/"Burn", 1974
Derek and the Dominos/"Why Does Love Got to be so Sad?", 1970
Dio/"Rainbow in the Dark", 1983
Led Zeppelin/"Heartbreaker/Living Loving Maid", 1969
An imposing figure slowly walks onto the stage. "hello who are you" "it is i... pedro" "uh you're going to have to be more specific" Pedro produces an electric guitar from the inside of his long coat. "it is time"
Guitar Battle vs. Pedro
Defeated, Pedro stumbles and falls off the stage, right into the big bonfire the crowd was making. Burnt to a crisp, Pedro crawls out of the fire and produces a second, twisted, evil guitar.
Guitar Battle vs. Charred Pedro
Defeated, Pedro crumbles to ash. However, Pedro's ghost rises from the ashes. Pedro's ghost produces a third, even more evil guitar.
Guitar Battle vs. Ghost Pedro
Defeated, Pedro's ghost fades into nothing. However, Pedro's ashes begin to stir, and from the ashes rise a phoenix, which produces a fourth, flaming guitar.
Guitar Battle vs. Phoenix Pedro
Defeated, the phoenix Pedro explodes, creating a shockwave that sends you flying into an Moai head. The Moai head smiles menacingly and produces a stone guitar, as it has been taken over by the spirit of Pedro. "OH COME THE FUCK ON"
Guitar Battle vs. Moai Pedro
Defeated, the Moai head crumbles, causing Pedro's spirit to enter your body. From the crowd emerges a challenger: Janick Gers.
Guitar Battle vs. Janick Gers
Defeated, Janick falls to the ground. Adrian Smith climbs onstage and challenges you.
Guitar Battle vs. Adrian Smith
Defeated, Adrian falls on top of Janick. Dave Murray climbs onstage to try to do what his friends could not.
Guitar Battle vs. Dave Murray
Defeated, Dave falls on top of Adrian. The three pick themselves up and mount one final attack on you.
Guitar Battle vs. Dave Murray, Adrian Smith, and Janick Gers
Defeated, you fall to the floor, Pedro's spirit released from your body. Adrian picks you up, and Bruce Dickinson, Steve Harris, and Nicko McBrain hop up onstage as well. You then decide to all play one final song.
Final Encore: Iron Maiden/"Hallowed be thy Name", 1982
After the exhaustion of being posessed by a spirit, having the spirit forcefully ejected from your body, and then playing with fucking Iron Maiden, man, you collapse to the ground and enter a deep coma. The credits roll as you float above all the locations you visited and play...
Credits Song: Iron Maiden/"Wasted Years", 1986
The credits end with an eye quickly opening. It could be yours, but, then again, it could always be Pedro's.