Survivor: Vancouver

EPYSODE ONE:
"HELLO AND WELCOME TO SURVIVOR: VANCOUVER THE SHOW WHERE ORDINARY PEOPLE ARE TASKED WITH SURVIVING THE HARSH CONDITIONS OF VANCOUVER WITH ONLY WHAT THEY CAN FIND LET'S MEET OUR CONTESTANTS" "hello i am jakey and i am the only contestant with experience in the harsh canadian wilderness" "hello i am eif and i am just here for the food" "hello i am bran and i assume that my time in the harsh wasteland of chicago will help me here in vancouver" "hello i am amiee :3 and i wandered onto the set by accident" "NOW WE WILL DROP THESE PEOPLE INTO VANCOUVER WITH NOTHING AT ALL" "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA" Jakey, Bran, Eif, and Amiee :3 fall onto the pavement. "ouch" "we should probably find a hotel" "agreed" The four wander to The Fairmont Waterfront. "hello brucie we'd like a hotel room" "okay that will be 369 canadian dollars" "uh can you put it on my tab" "sure" Brucie checks them in and hands Jakey the key to room 666. "IT LOOKS LIKE THE CONTESTANTS HAVE FOUND SHELTER BUT HUNGER IS SETTING IN WILL THEY SATE THEIR RAVENOUS HUNGER OR TURN TO CANIBALISM TUNE IN NEXT WEEK TO FIND OUT"

EPYSODE TWO:
"hello domino's pizza? we'd like two pizzas; one is half skittles and m&ms, half green eggs and ham; the other is half vanilla frosting, half chocolate frosting; we're at the fairmont waterfront room 666" Jakey hangs up. "OKAY since we don't have any money we have to make it take more than half an hour" "LET'S CUT THE ELEVATOR" "great idea!!!" Jakey and Eif force the elevator doors open. Bran drops an anvil on the elevator, making it slower. Amiee :3 leaps to the elevator's wire, and cuts it, causing the elevator to fall to the basement, killing the fifteen orphans who were on a field trip. Amiee :3 swings back to the top floor and the four quietly return to their room. The doorbell rings. "JUST ON TIME" "nope" "wh-what" "you're five seconds late" "oh no" Orange falls to the floor, a single tear streaming down his face. Jakey grabs the pizzas. "i have failed" "it's not your-oh wait" Orange takes out his katana and forces it through his gut. "hey good luck with that" Jakey closes the door. "PIZZA TIME" "YEAH" "WOOH" "IT LOOKS LIKE THEY'VE SATED THEIR HUNGER BUT WITH EVERYONE ELSE LOOKING INCREASINGLY MORE APPETISING HOW WILL THEY CONTROL THEIR CANNIBALISTIC IMPULSES TUNE IN NEXT WEEK TO FIND OUT"

EPYSODE THREE:
"well we've gone through six months of surviving" "we've gone through over 180 pizza guys" "and over 2700 orphans" "so when do we get to go home" "i've got a wife and child who think i went out to get cigarettes" "YOU CANNOT ESCAPE UNTIL YOU FAIL TO CONTROL YOUR CANNIBALISTIC IMPULSES" "but human meat is so stringy" "i'm watching my figure" "THIS IS NOT HOW YOU MAKE GOOD REALITY TELEVISION" "REALITY TELEVISION?!" "i thought this was a documentary" "yeah i quit" "me too" "also me" "quitting sounds fun" "NO WAIT YOU CAN'T GO I HAVE A CONTRACT" "that's not my signature" "that's svart's signature" "NO COME BACK WAIT" "okay i'm here to start filming" "SVART YOU MUST EAT YOUR FELLOW CONTESTANTS TO WIN" "but i'm the only one here" "I DO NOT SEE HOW THAT IS RELEVANT" Svart shrugs, and gets out his knife and fork.
THE END