Another Thing (2014)

Mission 025: Hey There [Robbie]
"jakey have you solved that mystery yet" "i've solved YOUR mystery" "oh tha-" "I KNOW THAT YOUR MOTHER HAS CANCER" "how did-" "I LOOKED AT THE EVIDENCE" "goddamn you jakey you are too smart for you own good" Erin puts her face in her hands. "boy erin do you look stupid now" "anyway jakey can you not mention this to jameson; i don't want to lose my job" "only if you extend my deadline" "... fine" The time limit on the screen ticks up one second. "okay time to solve some mysteries" "i've always found the teachers' lounge very mysterious" "good thinking erin" Jakey and Erin head for the teachers' lounge. "damn it's locked" "but you didn't even try turning th-" "it's LOCKED erin" "bu-" "LOCKED erin" Erin sweats. "luckily you have your student identification card and i can use it to open the door" "uh i threw that out when i got a name due to it being outdated" "goddamn you erin and your lack of foresight" Erin sweats. "well do you at least have a key to this door" "oh yeah i do have that" Erin unlocks the door and the two go inside. "oh shit look at this place" "it's like exactly the same" Erin hangs her head in disappointment. "unless" Jakey chucks his gun at the wall, causing it to fire at the watercooler, hitting a button behind it. The ground beneath Jakey and Erin's feet flies up to a second floor. "oh shit" "INTRUDER ALERT" A giant robot falls from the ceiling. "oh shit what do we do" "try to fry its logic circuits" Jakey pushes Erin towards the robot while he plans an alternate strategy from the ladies' restroom. "um what is the square root of negative one" "kill intruders" The robot fires at Erin, but misses. "DIDN'T WORK" "TRY TO FIND THE ROBOT'S RESONANT FREQUENCY" "uh aaaaaaaaaa" The robot explodes upon hearing a Cb5, covering Erin in oil. "that was rather low for a resonant frequency" "they just don't make robots like the used to" "i couldn't have done it without your help" Erin embraces Jakey, covering him in oil. "nooooooo i just had this shirt drycleaned nooooooooo" Michelle pops out of the wrecked robot. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/oil-covered shirt/robot parts appear at safehouses]

Mission 026: There Goes the Spider-Man [Robbie]
"jakey have you solved the mystery yet" "i solved a mystery" "please this is important jakey" "what was the mystery again" "you know, THE mystery" "OH RIGHT THE MURDER" "how do we solve a murder" "i guess we should examine the body" Jakey and Erin head over to the body. "yeah, definitely a dead body" "mystery solved" Jakey calls Robbie. "hey we solved that mystery; this is definitely a dead body" "oh shit jakey thanks; i'll write the article right away" "well that was fun" "yes" Jakey, Erin, and Sheriff Antony all laugh as the screen fades out. Michelle tears open the black. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Sheriff Antony missions]

Mission 027: The Sheriff and His Buddies with Their Samurai Swords [Sheriff Antony]
"jakey i just got a call from the china branch of the sheriff's office" "oh man what's up" "their babmoo has gone missing" "OH NO" "unfortunately, we have no idea who has done such a thing" "that sounds like a MYSTERY to me" "erin shouldn't you be at school" "i dropped out because they refused to recognise my name" "cool" "let's go to china" The Sheriff Antony Symbol flashes on the screen. "hello we are here to investigate the missing babmoo" "THANK GOD YOU'RE HERE; OUR PEOPLE ARE RESTLESS" "WE WANT BABMOO" "OR ELSE" "WE WANT BABMOO" "OR ELSE" "gee" "this is where the babmoo was" The ambassador motions to an empty patch of ground. "oh hey look there are tracks leading from the spot where the babmoo was" "let's follow them" "... why didn't i think of that" "that's why we keep you around erin" The three follow the tracks to a cave, where twenty pandses are gathered around a large stack of babmoo. "GODDAMN PANDSES STEALING MY BABMOO" The pandses all turn to face the three. "oops" Twenty pandses attack the three. "oh dear oh dear" "help" The pandses are knocked off Erin and Jakey. "oh shit it's spider-man" Spider-Man launches a gob of webbing, sticking four pandses to the wall. Sheriff Antony kicks a pands off of him, and shoots it repeatedly. Erin and Jakey rush to grab the babmoo and run it out of the cave as Sheriff Antony plants dynamite along the cave walls. "thanks spider-man" "don't mention it" Spider-Man winks at Erin. "uh" "i winked but you couldn't tell because of the mask" "oh okay" Sheriff Antony walks out of the cave as it explodes, and puts on a pair of sunglasses. "WHY DID YOU DESTROY PANDS CAVE" "they stole the babmoo" "BUT THEY'RE ENDANGERED" "not any more they're not" Sheriff Antony, Erin, Jakey, and Spider-Man all laugh. Michelle leaps from a tree and gets impaled on a babmoo. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/babmoo appears at safehouses/vague relationship with Erin/Spider-Man missions]

Mission 028: Soft Drinks [Spider-Man]
"hey spider-man what's up" "if you couldn't tell i'm frowning through the mask" "what's wrong" "there's a new superhero in town and everyone loves him" "oh wow who is he" "pepsiman" "PEPSIMAN?!" Jakey straightens out his clothing. "he's been stopping crimes by refreshing criminals with ice cold pepsi cola" "brbr committing crimes" "jakey i need your help to make people love me again" "i don't know, there is a lot of competition" "please i'll do anything" "okay" Spider-Man writes Jakey a cheque for "anything". "the first step to being a great superhero is having a celebrity endorsement" "what" "look it's easy i'll just call up the biggest celebrity i know" Jakey calls Sheriff Antony. "hey sheriff antony i need an endorsement for my new business" "oh boy" Sheriff Antony teleports in. "endorse spider-man sheriff antony" Jakey starts recording. "hi, i'm sheriff antony; you may remember me from such solved crimes as 'babmoo terror in china' and 'jay leno is totally a cunt'; but today i'm here to endorse my favourite superhero, spider-man" "thanks sheriff antony" "i'll bill you later" Sheriff Antony gives Jakey the pistol fingers as he teleports out. "now we can stop pepsiman's reign of uh pepsi" Jakey and Spider-Man hop into The Motherfucker and drive to Alabama Hall. "i am here today to give the key to the country to our favourite superhero, pepsima-" "WAIT" "goddammit jakey this isn't a good time" "but spider-man has a celebrity endorsement!!!" "you have my attention" Jakey pops the tape into King Bran's VCR. "well i'm convinced" "celebrities are never wrong" King Bran walks over to Spider-Man. "i give the key to the country to our favourite superhero, spider-man" "yaaaaaaayyyy" "wooh" "thanks jakey i couldn't have done it without you" Michelle bungie jumps off of Alabama Hall. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/key to the country appears at safehouses/King Bran missions]

Mission 029: Ain't Got No Future or Family Tree [King Bran]
"hey jakey i have a sensitive diplomatic mission i'm sending my son on and i'd like you to go with him" "OKAY" Jakey grabs Prince Fww and chucks him into The Motherfucker. "so where we going" "the moon" "sweet" Jakey presses a button on The Motherfucker's dashboard, turning it into a rocket. "BLAST OFF" Jakey flies The Motherfucker to the moon. "okay what are we doing here" "we have to defeat an evil cult bent on destroying the world" "oh is that all" Jakey pressed another button on The Motherfucker's dashboard, turning it into a moon rover, and drives into the secret base. "halt" "what's the problem officer" "we are the power twins sara and tara" "we used to be triplets but there was an accident" "r.i.p." "we will never forget you, uara" "anyway we can't let you pass" "lame" "unless you wish to bear the brunt our of awesome twin power" "sounds good" Jakey hops out of The Motherfucker and shoots at Sara and Tara, who reflect the bullets. "ha" "nice try LOSER" Jakey sweats while Prince Fww presses buttons randomly in The Motherfucker, causing it to run over Sara and Tara. "ow" "my spine" "great job prince fww" "thanks" Jakey and Prince Fww run into the hideout and come face to face with the leader of the cult. "hey jakey what's up" "oh shit hey stu what's new" "i've lost control of my life" "i said what's new" "uh shouldn't we be stopping-" "who, stu? nah he's cool" "but he's threatening the wor-" "DO NOT INSULT STU IN MY PRESENCE" Prince Fww sweats. "he's not as cool as you think he is" "THAT'S IT" Jakey presses a button on the wall, ejecting Prince Fww into space. Michelle drives The Motherfucker through a wall. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Stu missions]

Mission 030: I Know What a Princely Lover Ought to Be [King Bran]
"king bran i have bad news about your son" "oh dear he's not a roman is he" "that is a distinct possibility, but i was referring to the fact that he's dead" "but he's right here" "Hello Jakey" "how did i not expect this" "Daddy And I Were Just Discussing Making It A Royal Decree That You Have To Give Me The Brick And/Or The Macguffin" "uh i'd appreciate it if that WEREN'T a royal decree" "Noted" "i've drafted the royal decree dude" Kathy folds the decree into a paper airplane and chucks it at King Bran. "all you have to do is sign it" "oh boy i sure am in the mood to sign a thing" King Bran unfolds the decree and gets out his favourite pen. "no don't" King Bran, completely in the moment, takes the cap off the end of his favourite pen. "why me" King Bran twirls his favourite pen in his hand before putting it to the paper. "please stop" King Bran makes a gigantic "K" on the paper with his favourite pen. "king bran look a sale on giant hats" King Bran doesn't hear Jakey, and instead writes "ing", followed by a giant stylised "B" with his favourite pen. "NOOOOOOOOOOO" Jakey tackles King Bran off his throne, knocking his favourite pen into a sewer pipe. "JAKEY YOU ABSOLUTE CUNT" Jakey grabs the decree from King Bran's hands and tears it into as many pieces as he can. "you know what the cost of treason is jakey" "gulp" "This Is My Favourite Part" King Bran grabs Jakey by the arm and leads him to the stocks. A man in a black hood with an axe stands over Jakey. "LET THIS BE AN EXAMPLE TO ALL WHO WISH TO LOSE MY FAVOURITE PEN" The man in the black hood slaps Jakey on the wrist. "ow" "MAY GOD HAVE MERCY ON YOUR SOUL" King Bran stomps back into his throne room. "Finally I Have Gotten My Revenge" Robert Truckdriver 43 wanders off aimlessly. Michelle takes off her black hood. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/black hood]

Mission 031: If You Want to Call Me Baby [King Bran]
"JAKEY YOU HAVE TO GET MY FAVOURITE PEN BACK" "i suppose i should" Jakey looks around the room. "do you know where it would have gone" "shrug" "SOUNDS LIKE A MYSTERY TO M-FUCK" Erin loses her balance and falls from the rafters. "i guess we ought to solve it then" Jakey drags Erin's broken body to The Motherfucker, and drives to Alabama City Planning. "hey kathy where does the sewer pipe lead" "hell itself" "oh cool thanks" Jakey hops back into The Motherfucker and drives to Hell itself. "oh hey look it's satan's sewage treatment plant" "i bet that's where king bran's favourite pen is!!!" "that is such a stupid idea that i am going to pull in and show you how stupid it is" "HELLO AND WELCOME TO SATAN'S SEWAGE TREATMENT PLANT" "hey satan" "hey have you seen king bran's favourite pen anywhere" "if it's here it's probably headed for the incinerator now" "oh cool" "thanks satan" "don't mention it" Jakey and Erin mosey towards the incinerator, and sift through the sewage. "oh shit look a rolex" Jakey puts on the Rolex. "why would someone flush this" "jakey i found king bran's favourite pen!!!" "i'm so glad i thought to pull in here" "but you sai-" "I AM SO GLAD THAT I THOUGHT TO PULL IN HERE ERIN" "..." "..." "way to go?" "don't mention it; i'm just doing my job" Erin stares at Jakey, face completely blank. "i know you're in awe but we really should be going back" "sigh" Jakey and Erin hop into The Motherfucker and drive to Alabama Hall. "hey king bran we found your favourite pen" "thanks; now to sign the first royal decree i see" "uh uh" Jakey quickly writes up a royal decree to ban the use of King Bran's favourite pen, and hands it to King Bran. King Bran instantly signs it. "man that felt great" "not for long" Michelle slides down a King Branner. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Rolex/Satan missions]

Mission 032: Got to Get Stu into My Life [Stu]
"jakey i just finished an invention" "what's it do" "it finds control of my life!!!" "oh shit does that mean" Stu nods, a single tear streaming down his cheek. "i'll finally be able to get her back" "what are we waiting for" "good question" Stu presses the button on his machine, and it begins scouring the room. Jakey and Stu follow it across town. "man where is this thing going" "it's a mystery" "DID SOMEBODY SAY MYSTERY" Erin swings from a vine and hits a building. "ow" "oh shit it's heading into that time machine" "FOLLOW IT" Jakey, Stu, and Erin run for the time machine, leaping into it as it takes off for the distant past of 1972. "oh shit it's going into that discotech" "that what" "you know, a discotech, where jive turkeys go to get their groove on" "no hablamos espanol" Sweat pours down Stu's face as he, Jakey, and Erin run into the discotech. "hello and welcome to disco stu's discotech" "disco... stu?!" Erin and Jakey look back and forth between Stu and Disco Stu. "hey did you see a machine come through here" "yeah man that turkey's jivin' on the dance floor" "thanks" "groove on my friends" Stu runs after his machine while Jakey and Erin try to make sense of what happened. "oh shit there it is" "where" "in the lost and found" Stu grabs control of his life, and rejoices for the first time in forty-two years. "can we go home now this place is making my skin crawl" "but this is the swingin' seventies; the best time ever" "yeah have fun" Jakey and Erin head for the time machine. "no wait wait for me" Stu leaps into the time machine as it takes off for 2014. "oh hey look it's us chasing after your machine" "oh god why didn't you tell me my tie and pants clashed so horribly" "i thought you did it ironically" "... uh yeah i totally tricked you into thinking i hadn't" "oh you" A large group of Michelles arrive in their own time machine. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/disco suit]

Mission 033: She Loves Stu [Stu]
"jakey it's horrible" "not again" "now that i've resolved my character arc it is simple to write my character out of the series" "OH DEAR" "WE CANNOT LET THAT HAPPEN JAKEY" "how can we prevent something like that" "i need a goal or a nemesis" "yeah without either of those, keeping you around would be like keeping the simpsons on the air" "i know right" "so what is a thing that you want to do" "i want to make the world's biggest omlette!!!" "fuck yeah" Kathy bursts through the door. "GUYS HAVE YOU HEARD" Kathy throws Stu a newspaper. "WORLDWIDE EGG SHORTAGE?!" "THE CHICKENS ARE ON STRIKE?!" "THE GOVERNMENT RATIONING OUT EGGS?!" "OMLETTE-MAKING FORBIDDEN UNTIL FURTHER NOTICE?!" "SOUNDS LIKE WE HAVE A LONG STORY ARC TO WADE THROUGH AS WE SOLVE THIS MYSTERY" "MYSTERY?!" Erin falls face-first from a vent. "load up" Jakey, Stu, Kathy, and Erin hop into The Motherfucker and head to Alabama Hall. "hey we want eggs" "For what purpose?" "we want to make the world's largest omle-ouch" "I'm afraid that I cannot let you have any eggs, sirs." "fuck" "what should we do" "steal the eggs" "I'd like to invite you to try, sirs. They are hidden behind an impenetrable security system." "you're not supposed to hear our casual asides" "Then maybe you shouldn't speak so loudly, sir." "oh shit" "he got you good" "i admit when i am defeated" Jakey trudges off, away from Alabama, away from everyone he has ever known. Unable to live out the shame of being gotten so good, Jakey lives life in seclusion in the Arctic. One day, fishing for his next meal, he catches Michelle. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/parka]

Mission 034: Think About Stu [Stu]
"jakey i have a plan now to get eggs and it is foolproof" "that is good because i am rather foolish" "we need to go back in time to before the egg shortage started" "i can see no flaws in this plan" Jakey and Stu hop into the time machine and head back in time a week. "hello we would like to buy all of your eggs" "Perhaps We Can Negociate A Trade" Jakey calmly takes out his gun, points it at his head, and pulls the trigger. Jakey's brains fly out, stop, then fly back in. "what would you like in return" "stu don't encourage him" "You Do Not Have Anything I Would Want; Your Friend, On The Other Hand" Robert Truckdriver 57 grins widely at Jakey. Jakey rummages through his pockets. "all i have is some lint, a wad of used chewing gum, a copy of madden 15, and a piece of rope" "Madden Fifteen?!" Robert Truckdriver 57 sweats, as his local GameStop ran out of copies of Madden 15 before he could secure one of his own. "I'll Give You All Of These Eggs For Your Copy Of Madden Fifteen" "well i bought it for my sister but okay" Jakey hands Robert Truckdriver 57 his copy of Madden 15 and he and Stu begin loading the time machine with eggs. "now let's go back" "to the future?" "sure why not" Stu and Jakey go forward in time to just before they left. "well that was cool" Jakey and Stu clear the time machine of eggs so that Jakey and Stu can use it to go back in time to get eggs. "um do you know how to make an omlette" "uh no" "goddammit" Stu sits at the table, staring at his eggs. Michelle hatches from one of the eggs. "where's my copy of madden 15" Michelle glances around nervously. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/egg costume]

Mission 035: Love Will Set Stu Free [Stu]
"jakey i didn't know how to make an omlette so i asked /v/" "what did they say" "omlettes aren't videogames" "WHAT since when" "and THEN someone got doubles and the whole thread went to shit" "can't knock a homeboy's doubles stu" "anyway one guy pointed me to /lgbt/ but they didn't know either" "sounds like you've had a rough day" "i know right!!! shame we don't know anyone who can cook" "lightbulb i totally know a chef" "oh boy" Jakey calls Deputy Orange. "deputy orange can you make omlettes" "uh no" "fuck" Kathy buzzes in. "stu a 'chef amiee :3' is here to see you" "send her in" "hey jakey the tracking chip i put on you said you were here; i'd like you to meet my apprentice, ainsley harriott; he says he wants to be the best chef" "oh hey chef amiee :3 i know this is out of your usual area but can you make omlettes" "i'm sorry, my deal with motherfucker omlette hasn't come through yet" "damn" "ooh ooh i know how to make omlettes" "oh man ainsley harriott can you help us make the world's largest omlette" "yeah we totally won't give you any of the credit" "sounds good" Ainsley Harriott creates a gigantic egg pouch, and cooks it for several minutes. After that is complete, he crams meat and cheese into the egg pouch with a terrifying look on his face. "this is my favourite part" "i can't bear to look yet i cannot turn away" Ainsley Harriott then seals his pouch and creates the world's largest omlette. "let's call the man from the record books!!!" Jakey, Stu, Chef Amiee :3, and Ainsley Harriott wait for hours until King Bran arrives. "hello i am the official king and i officially officiate the official record books" "cool" "check out our omlette" "hmm" King Bran pokes and prods the omlette with his favourite pen. "i'm sorry but this just barely misses the mark set by our previous record holder" "wat" "take a look" King Bran holds up the Officially Official Book of Official Records, and opens to the page about omlettes. "world's largest omlette... record set by... THE PRINCE OF WALES?!" "he requested me to give this note to any who fail to beat his record" King Bran hands Jakey a note, which reads "HA I TRICKED YOU INTO THINKING YOU HAD CREATED THE WORLD'S LARGEST OMLETTE". "THE PRINCE OF WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALES" Jakey attempts to tear the note to pieces, but his attempt ends in failure. "look at the other side" Jakey flips the note over, and new writing reads "HA I TRICKED YOU INTO THINKING YOU COULD TEAR UP THIS NOTE". "GODDAMMIT" "good day" King Bran leaves the building as Jakey falls to the floor, defeated. "he is my greatest nemesis" "but what if that's just a trick and your greatest nemesis is someone else" "fucking hell" Michelle falls from the rafters. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/The Prince of Wales' note appears framed at safehouses/Chef Amiee :3 missions]

Mission 036: Doesn't Matter to Me [Satan]
"jakey it is time for the seventy-second annual company picnic" "oh boy" "i have created the ultimate picnic basket consisting of only the finest picnicking materials" "LET'S DO IT" Jakey, Satan, and Kathy hop into The Motherfucker and drive to Mount St. Hellens. "this is the perfect spot to have a picnic" "i agree" "oh no where's the picnic basket" "OH NO" "i had it when i left the car" "ahem" "the motherfucker, i mean" "hmm" "it's a mystery" "oh no" "MYSTERY?!" Erin rises from the volcanic crater on a plume of lava. "okay that was pretty cool" "that's good because now i am going to have to have my feet amputated" "worth it i'd say" "how could our picnic basket have been stolen if no bears live anywhere near active volcanos" "look" Erin points to an arch with a portal under it. "OH NO" Jakey looks across the ledge to see Moneybags waving at him. "why me" Jakey trudges over to Moneybags. "why hello there jakey! i was just in the neighbourhood and stumbled across a picnic basket! and it looks like you're here on a picnic? what are the odds! now this picnic basket has only the finest ingredients known to man in it, so i couldn't bear to part with it... unless you were to change my mind with a few gems?" "SHUT UP AND TAKE MY MONEY" Jakey slams a bag of gems down by Moneybags' feet and grabs the picnic basket. "THERE WE HAVE A PICNIC BASKET NOW LET'S PICNIC" Satan sets out a mat and Jakey opens the picnic basket. "wait where are our drinks" Jakey looks around and sees Moneybags waving again. "GODDAMMIT" Jakey stomps over to Moneybags. "oh hello again jakey! you'll never guess what i've found this time! i have a large assortment of drinks, and, being near an active volcano like this, i could get a fortune for them! but maybe i'll give them to you for... a small fee" Jakey slams a second bag of gems by Moneybags' feet, grabs the drinks, and takes them back to the group. "THAT WAS ENJOYABLE" "i agree" "i had fun" "let's do it again next week" Michelle pops out of a bag of gems. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/empty bag of gems appears at safehouses]

Mission 037: Out of the Frying Pan [Chef Amiee :3]
"jakey it's horrible my apprentice is better than me at cooking" "what" "he has mastered my signature dish in just one day!!!" "there is no way that he replicated the subtle tastes and aromas of whatever i could find lying around thrown into a large pile" "but he has!!!" Chef Amiee :3 gives Jakey a spoonful of Ainsley Harriott's Whatever I Could Find Lying Around Thrown into a Large Pile. "excuse me while i eat this entire pile" Jakey begins shovelling the Whatever I Could Find Lying Around Thrown into a Large Pile into his mouth. "i am hopeless!!!" "not true; there is no way that ainsley harriott can match your raw charisma and keen business sense" "you're right; charisma IS my best stat" "hey guys i made the cover of 'charisma weekly'" "WHAT" Ainsley Harriott hands Chef Amiee :3 a copy of Charisma Weekly with Ainsley Harriott's face on it. "why are you cramming your hand into that turkey" "shrug" "oh come on even i've been on the cover of charisma weekly" Jakey hands Ainsley Harriott the October 2011 issue of Charisma Weekly. "oh i was also featured on the cover of kathy magazine" "WHAT" "i've known kathy for years and i've never been on the cover of kathy magazine!!!" Ainsley Harriott hands Jakey the latest issue of Kathy Magazine. "she said it was for my amazing business sense" "brbr killing myself" Chef Amiee :3 sticks her head in an oven. "is there room for two" "sure come on in" Jakey sticks his head in the oven next to Chef Amiee :3. Michelle sticks her head in the oven next to Jakey's. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/oven t-shirt/magazines and oven appear at safehouses]

Mission 038: Out of the Crying Pan [Chef Amiee :3]
"jakey we've got to stop ainsley harriott from stealing my life" "i agree" Jakey and Chef Amiee :3 hop into The Motherfucker and drive to Safez Я Us. Shopkeepour stands behind the counter, chewing a fresh stick of Stride chewing gum. "..." "..." "can i speak to your manager" "on what grounds" "this is weird and i don't like it" "fair enough" Shopkeepour enters the back room, and Manager Taylor emerges, chewing an ancient stick of Trident sugar-free chewing gum. "why did you need to see me" "i need things to stay the same forever or i get really uncomfortable" "oh is that all? thanks for your support" Manager Taylor spins around on his heel and heads into the back room, and Shopkeepour emerges. "what can i get for you" "i'd like the largest safe you have" "follow me" Shopkeepour leads Jakey and Chef Amiee :3 outside to a building. "what's this building doing here" "this is a safe" "..." "..." "i'll take it" "that will be one set of musics" "..." "..." "do we know anyone in a band" "well there's my cousin jakey but he's on tour against his will" "damn" "oh and my uncle jakey but he's busy working on reviving his bassist with black magic" "why is my life so horrible" "shrug" "how will we find a musician on such short notice" "TO STARBUCKS" The Jakey symbol flashes on screen. "hey guys who wants a gig" "me me ooh pick me" "no me pick me" "who is willing to play music for money" "ME" "NO ME" "ME" "YES ME" "okay how about if instead of playing for money you're really playing for a giant safe that you do not get to keep, look at, or even touch" "..." "..." "me pick me i've always hated that you only get money for playing musics and not unknown objects for strangers" "you're hired" Jakey, Chef Amiee :3 and Guitarist Julia hop into The Motherfucker and head back to Safez Я Us. "we have enough musics for the safe" "let's see them" Guitarist Julia tunes her guitar. "ahem; ALL LIFE IS SUFFERING; ENDLESS SINGLE TEARS OF PAIN; RAINDROPS ON MY HEART; DEATH CONSUMES ALL; I TAKE MY COFFEE BLACK LIKE MY SOUL" "..." "..." "i love it" "that was so beautiful" "if i had a record label i would totally sign you to it" "i agree" "here take the safe" Shopkeepour pushes the safe down on top of Jakey, crushing him. "pain" Michelle emerges from the safe. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/safe t-shirt/Manager Taylor missions/Guitarist Julia missions]

Mission 039: Out of the Drying Pan [Chef Amiee :3]
"jakey a thing is about to happen" "i fucking love things!!!" "chef amiee :3 i can't seem to do anything you can do any more" "that is because i locked my life in a safe to prevent you from stealing it" "but as your apprentice isn't it my duty to learn your secrets and improve upon them and then pass them down to someone who will be better than me" "no stop making sense" "okay then i'm going to start a new career as a face cream model" Ainsley Harriott runs off, practicing his creaming face. "man we sure showed him" "sure did" Michelle pops up out of a tub of face cream. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/face cream t-shirt/face cream appears at safehouses]

Mission 040: Dignified Service [Manager Taylor]
"customer service is an art jakey and i am an artist" "I DON'T WANT TO OWN THIS TOASTER" Professor Eif chucks his toaster on the ground. "I WANT TO OWN THAT I WANT A BLING BLING WILD MICROWAVE" "great" Manager Taylor sweats. "I WANT A ROTATING DISC I WANT HEAT BY WAVES I WANT MORE BUTTONS THAN YOU CAN SHAKE A PHEASANT AT" "I'VE GOT IT; A MAGIC CHEF 1.3-CUBIC FOOT DIGITAL MICROWAVE" "yessss" "get rid of those slots get rid of that lever... WELCOME TO MICROWAVES" Jakey gets out his laptop. "WE'RE GOING TO GET POPCORN SETTINGS OVER THERE I WANT THE POTATO FUNCTION RIGHT HERE" "and the small matter of breads and bagels?" "JUST MICROWAVE THEM" Jakey grabs a piece of microwaved bread from the Magic Chef digital microwave. "jakey i just don't know how i do it" Manager Taylor grins widely. "manager taylor is a genius" Michelle pops out of the microwave. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Magic Chef digital microwave appears at safehouses/Professor Eif missions]

Mission 041: A Man Selling Ice Cream [Guitarist Julia]
"so uh this is where you live?" "yeah it may not look like much but it's mine" "this is a public park" "fuck off it's mine" Jakey looks over at the entrance and spots a sign that says "Peter Stillman Memorial Park (owned by Guitarist Julia)". "i'm sorry i doubted you" "hey what day is it" "saturday" "oh right it's the fourth of july isn't it?" "it's cinco de mayo" "same thing" "uh" "now help me set up for my the fourth of july show" "but it's-" "JAKEY I DO NOT THINK YOU ARE VERY PATRIOTIC TOWARDS THE COUNTRY YOU ARE PRESIDENT OF" "oh that" Jakey sweats. "i'd completely forgotten" Jakey and Guitarist Julia set up some amps. "now to set up my favourite amp, charlie" Guitarist Julia attempts to grab Charlie, but grabs nothing but air. "WHAT" Guitarist Julia searches frantically for Charlie, but no no avail. "have you checked under the rug" "GOOD IDEA" Guitarist Julia tears the rug up from her van. "NOPE" "let me run around and find it in a very silly/unlikely place" Jakey runs to the Peter Stillman Memorial Statue. "hey jakey check out this statue" "what's up with- OH MY GOD JC A BOMB" "A BOMB" Jakey climbs to the top of the Peter Stillman statue. "get out of there" Jakey grabs the bomb, and chucks it down to JC Denton. "oh so that's where i left charlie!!!" Guitarist Julia grabs Charlie out of JC Denton's hands. "um why is it shaped like a bomb" "A BOMB" "i have a better question: why didn't you expect it to be shaped like a bomb" "A BOMB" "good question" Michelle falls from the sky, and her skirt gets caught on the Peter Stillman Memorial Statue's hand. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/A BOMB]

Mission 042: Singing Italian Songs [Guitarist Julia]
"HELLO AND WELCOME TO MY THE FOURTH OF JULY SHOW" "IT'S MAY" "FUCK OFF" "NO" "FUCK" Guitarist Julia tunes her guitar. "now for my latest single ahem; BLOOD STAINS MY SOUL; SCARS ON MY HEART; DARKNESS IMPRISONING ME; CRAWLING IN MY SKIN; THESE WOUNDS THEY WILL NOT HEAL" "wooh yeah wooh" "I LOVE YOU GUITARIST JULIA" "I LOVE HER MORE" "WANNA BET" "wooh" "yeah!!!" "now for my breakthrough hit, a cover of queen's radio gaga" Guitarist Julia plays an impassioned cover of Queen's Radio Gaga, truly capturing the pained lyrics. "thank you good night" "encore!!!" "encore yeah good idea" "play freebird" "FREEBIRD" "if i leave here etc." Guitarist Julia drops her guitar at her feet and leaves the stage, exhilarated. "my show was the best show" "i agree i especially liked the part where you cut your wrists onstage and bled on the crowd" "can't beat the classics" Sheriff Antony comes backstage from the crowd. "hey i would like to be your manager and shit sign here" Sheriff Antony produces a contract. "uh no thanks" "WHAT you can't be a musicguy without a manager!!!" "well uh i already have one" "WHAT who" "uh jakey" "fuck" Sheriff Antony mopes off, depressed. "wait really" "sure why not" "yay!!!" "i can't pay you though" "dammit!!!" Michelle falls from the top of the stage holding a spotlight. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/vague relationship with Guitarist Julia/Sheriff Antony missions]

Mission 043: Why Can't We be Friends [Professor Eif]
"jakey satan is still looking for that soul i owe him" "hmm" "do you have any souls i can have" "i have three, but they won't come cheap" "oh dear" "the price is a friendly handshake" Professor Eif sweats, as he has only given one friendly handshake in his life. "any chance of getting a professor's discount" "I HAVE CLEARLY LAID OUT MY TERMS PROFESSOR EIF" A knock is heard at the door. "professor eif i am here to break your legs" "uh uh" Professor Eif sweats as he stares at Jakey's outstretched hand. "i-i i can't" "then i guess you don't like your legs very much" "why me" Professor Eif firmly grabs Jakey's hand and shakes. "THERE" "that didn't feel very friendly to me" "still here to break your legs" Professor Eif grabs Jakey's hand with all of his strength and shakes. The sheer force of the friendship dislocates Jakey's arm. "that's more like it" Jakey hands Professor Eif Professor Eif's soul. "hey this is my soul" "sure is" Professor Eif opens the door and hands Adolf Hitler his soul. "aw i was looking forward to breaking your legs" Adolf Hitler walks off, dejected. Michelle falls from the ceiling and breaks Professor Eif's legs. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/friendly handshake]

Mission 044: 15-Love [Professor Eif]
"jakey the final sportsball game of the season is coming up" "oh you don't mean THE BIG GAME MATCH do you" "i certainly do" "oh shit who are you playing against" "the robert truckdriver seven" "but they're undefeated!!! you cannot hope to defeat a team that is undefeated!!!" "but the motherfuckers are also undefeated" "just because you are undefeated does not mean that you cannot be defeated in the future" "oh that sounds logical" Professor Eif sweats. "i need your help training my team" "but i've never even watched a sportsball game" "just wing it" "fine" Jakey walks off to the Sportsball Diamond. "okay team we're going to have to use strategies never seen before in the world of sportsball" "but we have done everything within the laws of physics" "then we will have to work outside of the laws of physics" "good idea" Jakey draws a crude diagram of the Sportsball Diamond. "first we drink a lot of red bull" "but red bull tastes horrible" "but red bull also gives you wings" "i guess it's sort of worth it" "then you will fly over the net with the puck and drop your ball past the checkered flag for a touchdown" "i see no flaws in this plan" "meanwhile, professor eif and i will be covering you with the sniper rifles" "i am growing more and more confident" "now let's get out there and win this thing tomorrow" "okay" Michelle falls from the sky holding a puck. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/whiteboard appears at safehouses]

Mission 045: 30-Love [Professor Eif]
"AND WELCOME TO OUR SPORTSBALL MATCH TODAY I'M YOUR HOST STEVE" "AND I'M STEVE" "PLEASE DON'T" "TODAY WE ARE BRINGING YOU AN EXCITING MATCHUP OF THE TWO BEST SPORTSBALL TEAMS IN THE LEAGUE, THE MOTHERFUCKERS AND THE ROBERT TRUCKDRIVER SEVEN" "RIGHT YOU ARE BOB" "EXCEPT I'M STEVE" "BOB PLS GO" "IT LOOKS LIKE THE PLAYERS ARE MARCHING ON THE FIELD AND PROFESSOR EIF IS INSISTING THAT THE ROBERT TRUCKDRIVER SEVEN GET A FREE TOUCHDOWN" "A GUTSY MOVE IF I DO SAY SO MYSELF BOB" "RIGHT YOU ARE BOB, BUT THE MOTHERFUCKERS DID QUALIFY FIRST SO THEY GET TO START ON THE POLE TODAY" "AND LOOK AT THE KICKOFF FYLLOUR OF THE MOTHERFUCKERS IS CHUGGING A RED BULL" "THOSE WINGS WILL GIVE HIM AMAZING TACTICAL ADVANTAGE BOB" "HE JUST HAS TO REFRAIN FROM THROWING UP BOB" "RIGHT YOU ARE BOB AND NOW FYLLOUR IS FLYING OVER THE ROBERT TRUCKDRIVER SEVEN AND TOUCHDOWN" "I DON'T KNOW IF ROBERT TRUCKDRIVER PRIME TRAINED HIS CLONES FOR THIS STRATEGY BOB" "HOLD ON A SECOND BOB I AM GETTING A REPORT THAT WE HAVE BEEN TRICKED AND ROBERT TRUCKDRIVER PRIME IS NOT THE COACH OF THE ROBERT TRUCKDRIVER SEVEN AND THEIR COACH IS IN FACT THE PRINCE OF WALES" "THAT'S A DISQUALIFICATION IF I'VE EVER SEEN ONE BOB" "WAIT A MINUTE BOB I AM GETTING ANOTHER REPORT THAT WE HAVE BEEN TRICKED AND THAT IS NOT ACTUALLY AGAINST THE RULES" "HOLD ME BOB" "WAIT BOB I AM GETTING ANOTHER REPORT THAT WE HAVE BEEN TRICKED AND ARE NOT IN FACT NAMED BOB AND STEVE BUT RATHER FRANCIS AND EUGENE" "HOLD ME EUGENE" "ONLY IF YOU HOLD ME TOO EUGENE" "NO I'M FRANCIS" "WAIT EUGENE I AM GETTING YET ANOTHER REPORT STATING THAT WE HAVE BEEN TRICKED AND ARE NOT IN FACT NAMED FRANCIS AND EUGENE AND THAT WAS A TRICK" "I TOTALLY KNEW THAT ALL ALONG BOB" "AND NOW I AM GETTING ANOTHER REPORT STATING THAT WE HAVE BEEN TRICKED AND THE PRINCE OF WALES FORFEITS" "WHAT A LONG ROLLERCOASTER OF TRICKS AND TRAPS EUGENE" "NO I'M BOB" "SO YOU ADMIT IT THEN BOB" "DAMMIT YOU GOT ME" Michelle walks into the announcer's booth. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Sportsball Championship trophy]

Mission 046: Wrapped Up Like a Douche Another Runner in the Night [Professor Eif]
"well it's been a long hard road but i finally have a trophy to show for my efforts" Professor Eif sets his trophy in his trophy case. The champion plate on the trophy falls off, revealing a second plate that says "HA I TRICKED YOU THIS ISN'T REALLY THE CHAMPIONSHIP TROPHY". "THE PRINCE OF WAAAAAAAAAAAAALES" "wait what does this say" Professor Eif dusts off the base of the trophy, revealing directions to The Prince of Wales' hideout. "let's go jakey!!!" "it's probably just another trick though" "but what if he's tricked you into thinking that" "..." "..." "fuck my life" Jakey and Professor Eif hop into The Motherfucker and head to The Prince of Wales' hideout. "this must be the place" Jakey opens the door to the building, and the lights flick on. "hello?" Jakey steps inside and falls into a pit. "jakey what happened" "i fell in a pit" "cool" "help i'm trapped" The wall in front of Jakey crumbles away to reveal a computer screen that says "HA I TRICKED YOU INTO THINKING YOU WERE TRAPPED", and the floor rises up to ground level. "gee that was convenient" Jakey takes another step forward and falls into another pit. "goddammit" "stop falling into pits jakey" "it's not my fault that they're everywhere" The ceiling lights up, revealing the words "HA I TRICKED YOU INTO THINKING THE PITS WERE EVERYWHERE" "great" Jakey rises up from the pit. "GEE I GUESS THE PRINCE OF WALES ISN'T HERE" "..." "..." "... i guess he really isn't" "HA I TRICKED YOU INTO THINKING THAT I WASN'T HERE" "DAMN YOU AND YOUR SENSE OF TIMING" "so uh the prince of wales do you have my trophy" "oh yeah it's right over there" The Prince of Wales points to the left. Professor Eif walks to the left. "HA I TRICKED YOU THE TROPHY IS ON THE RIGHT" Professor Eif walks to the right. "HA I TRICKED YOU I REALLY HAVE IT IN MY HANDS" "can i have it" "no" "aw" "HA I TRICKED YOU INTO THINKING I WASN'T GIVING YOU THE TROPHY" The Prince of Wales chucks the trophy at Professor Eif and teleports off. "well that was eventful" Michelle pops up from one of the pits. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/real Sportsball Championship trophy? maybe?]

Mission 047: This is Really Happening [Sheriff Antony]
"jakey i am receiving reports of a guy who is shrugging off bullet wounds and i would like to use you as a meat shield to disable him" "cool" Jakey and Sheriff Antony hop into The Motherfucker and drive across town. "go jakey go" Jakey walks up to Robert Truckdriver 47. "hello" "Hello" "why aren't these bullets hurting you" "Oh I Drank From Some Pond In Japan And Now I Have Super Powers" "... fuck" Jakey calls Doctor Vladimir on his cell phone. "hey doctor vladimir this guy has super powers and i need to make him not-have that" "are you being trying being making him be throwing up" "you're a genius doctor vladimir" "then you can be absorbing super vomit into your body and be neutralising their forces" "yuck" "also you will be being vulnerable to wandering spirits" "cool" Jakey hangs up and walks over to Robert Truckdriver 47. "hey do you know what was even in that pond" "No But The Robert Truckdriver Handbook States That All Unknown Fluids Should Be Internalised Without Second Thought" "well the main ingredient was" Jakey leans in closer. "oreos" Robert Truckdriver 47 begins vomitting all over the ground. Jakey flops down on the vomit and absorbs it into his body. Jakey passes out, his body struggling to dillute the toxic Oreos. "hey jakey are you okay" "SACREBLEU" "..." "WHERE AM I" "uh alabama?" "ALABAMA? I SHALL CONQUER IT FOR FRANCE" "uh" "VIVE LA FRANCE" Jakey walks around and trips over his own feet. "HOW DOES THIS OAF WALK AROUND WITH THESE GIANT FEET" "i've always wondered that myself" Jakey hops into The Motherfucker and switches it to horse mode. "VIVE LA FRANCE" Jakey rides The Motherfucker to Alabama Hall. "I AM HERE TO TAKE OVER THIS PITIFUL LAND IN THE NAME OF FRANCE" "do you have an appointment" "uh no" "then i'm afraid i can't let you in" "but-" "sorry no entry" Kathy continues reading the latest issue of Pudding Club Weekly. "v-vive la france" Jakey walks off, dejected. "if i am unable to conquer this pitiful land in the name of france, i have nothing to live for" Jakey draws his gun and puts it up to his temple. "vive la france" Jakey pulls the trigger, expelling Napoleon's spirit. Jakey's brains fly back into his head. "how'd i get here" Jakey shrugs and moseys off. Michelle rides in on a pale horse. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Napoleon outfit/vive la France poster appears in safehouses]

Mission 048: What a Nice Surprise [Sheriff Antony]
"jakey i am receiving reports of a hotel that is not letting its occupants leave" "hmm i suppose they want to increase revenue by not letting people check out?" "that's the weird part; you can check out any time you like, but you can never leave" "hmm what a mystery" "MYSTERY?!" Erin crashes through a window. "LET'S GO" Jakey and Erin hop into The Motherfucker and drive to Mojavistan's largest highway, where they find the hotel. "we should stop for the night" Jakey and Erin pull over and head to the doorway, where they meet Kathy. "oh hey kathy what's up" "would you like to stay here" "sure why not" "follow me" Kathy leads Jakey and Erin down a long corridor. "welcome to the hotel california" "what who said that" "oh you get used to it" Kathy leads them into the dining hall. "wait here for a moment while i get you your room" "okay" Kathy walks off. "YO CAPTAIN" "what's up" "BRING ME MY WINE DOG" "we haven't had that spirit here since 1969" "that's like a thousand years ago!!!" "shrug" "oh jakey look it's jakey" "oh shit it IS jakey" "sup jakey" "oh nothing how have you been jakey" "oh you know how it is; i've been catching up with our cousin jakey" "oh how is he" "he still hates his career" "don't we all" Jakey and Jakey laugh. "well bye jakey" "see you later jakey" "man that guy is such a card" "come we've set up your room" Kathy leads Jakey and Erin to their room. "now that we're alone..." "GOOD NIGHT" Jakey falls asleep. "... o-okay" "psst hey hey" "fuck off spirits" "no" "fuck" "hey hey come on wake up this is important" "FINE WHAT DO YOU WANT" "WELCOME TO THE HOTEL CALIFORNIA" "AUGH" Jakey falls off the bed. Jakey looks at the ceiling and sees himself reflected. Jakey looks out his windows at the master's chambers, where everyone is gathered for a feast. Unfortunately, It has invaded the chambers and is wreaking havok. They stab It with their steely knives, but they just can't kill the beast. "ERIN WAKE UP IT IS ATTACKING" "OH NO" Erin and Jakey run for the door. "WE HAVE TO FIND THE PASSAGE BACK TO THE PLACE WE WERE BEFORE" "YEAH WHERE WAS THAT" "SHRUG" Jakey runs straight into George. "Relax, sir. We are programmed to receive." "WE HAVE TO LEAVE" "You can check out any time you would like, but you can never leave, sir." "what if you move slightly to your left" "..." "..." "You are a genius, sir." George steps slightly to the left, and Jakey and Erin hop into The Motherfucker and drive as far away from the hotel as they can. Michelle gets thrown out of the hotel by It, and splatters on the windshield of The Motherfucker. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Hotel California t-shirt/steely knives appear at safehouses/Jakey missions]

Mission 049: Keeping My Eye to the Keyhole [Sheriff Antony]
"jakey the pepsi cola corporation has stopped producing pepsi cola!!!" "OH NO" "we ha-" Sheriff Antony hears a burnout. "-ve to solve this mystery" "MYSTER- hey where'd jakey go" "shrug" Jakey crashes into the wall of the Pepsi Cola corporation. "DIRECTOR BENDIK WHAT IS HAPPENING" "oh everything is happening now; for everyone should know the consequences of crossing the pepsi cola corporation" Director Bendik presses a button on the console in front of him, summoning an army of Pepsimen. "pepsiman was created to make world peace through soft drinks; it's a shame you had to ruin that by promoting that wretched spider" "pant pant oh hey jakey i finally found you now come on we have to solve th-" Erin gets blasted away by a geyser of Pepsi Cola. "how freshing" "NOW YOU AND EVERYONE YOU KIND OF LIKE SORT OF WILL KNOW MY WRATH" "i'm still kind of fuzzy on your motivations" "well it's mostly a revenge thing" "oh okay" "NOW FOR EVERYONE TO FEEL MY WRATH" The Pepsimen begin firing blasts of Pepsi Cola at Jakey and Erin. "oh man this is so freshing" "i am feeling fresher and fresher" "... i probably should have thought this through better OH WAIT I DID" Director Bendik smashes a button on the console, turning the Pepsi Cola into highly corrosive acid. "OW MY SKIN" "HELP" "THERE IS NO HOPE FOR YOU NOW" "i wouldn't say that" Spider-Man webs up the Pepsimen, causing the acid to stop. Jakey's skin grows back. "h-how do i look" "having no flesh is a great look for you" "..." "..." "jakey pls" Jakey cuts his arm off and grows a new one. Jakey uses the discarded arm to bathe Erin in his own blood, healing her wounds. "wow thanks" "you can keep the arm as a souvenir" "... i'd rather not" Jakey shrugs and tosses his arm into The Motherfucker while Spider-Man pummels Director Bendik. Michelle falls into a vat of Pepsi Cola. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Jakey's arm appears at safehouses]